Saturday, November 26, 2011

Breakfast: Kashi (85 calories)
Lunch: large Diet Coke (0 calories)

Sorry I haven't been around for so long. I missed you guys.

I bought rice cakes to take back to my dorm. I'm going to start using the
as meal replacements like I used to.

I'll post later, when I'm on my computer. Love you guys.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Restart

Hello lovelies :)

So, I did the liquid fast this weekend.  But I forgot that I had a geology field trip (where I burned 3000 calories each day from hiking....that's not an exaggeration, I actually calculated it).  Needless to say, I ran into some problems.  I may or may not have passed out on the trail.  Moral of the story, I was forced to eat some solid food this weekend in order to function.  But I still lost three pounds in two days!!!

I'm going to restart the liquid fast tomorrow, and go for a week.  I don't have any crazy physical stuff that I need to be doing (although a couple of visits to the gym will definitely be happening, along with my ballet classes), so I won't be forced into having more than a liquid fast can provide.

I'm going to go check my dashboard to see how your guys' weekends went.  Love you lots <3

Thursday, November 3, 2011

One Week Liquid Fast

Yes, yes, I know, I stole this idea from the lovely Ell (if you are not following her, you should.  She is one of the most lovely human beings on the planet).  She was such an inspiration, so starting tomorrow I am going to do a one week long liquid fast.

I just went and  weighed myself between ^that paragraph and this one, and I'm actually crying.  Well, crying is not exactly how I'd describe it.....sobbing is probably a better word.  Trembling with horror.  Biting my lip in agony.  I'm so disappointed in myself.  I want to cut, but I can't find my knife and I think W hid it from me.  I'm mad that he did that, he can't control things like that.  I need some sort of release right now.  Oh god.  How could I have let this happen?

Words can't even describe the state of despair I'm in right now.  I love you girlies, I promise I'll be back on track soon.  No more despairing posts, the next time I post I'll be shining and strong, I promise you all <3

I don't care

Monday, October 31, 2011

My food today started off horrible, but I got everything under control by the end of the day.....

Intake:
Bagel (340 cals)
Lentil soup (100)
Apple (80)


I skipped dinner, and W noticed, but I honestly to not give a fuck right now.  I don't want to talk to anyone, I'm in such a bad mood and all I want to do is sleep for days and days and days and maybe when I wake up again I'll be skinny and in a better mood and all of the work that is piling up will have done itself.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Good News and Bad News

Hello loves.

So, the good news is that I have managed to hydrate enough and rest enough that the effects of overdosing on those pills seems to be wearing off.  I have a bit of a headache and a fever, but my heart has settled down and I've stopped shaking.

Tonight I threw a party in my dorm room in the spirit of halloween, and Almond Boy finally came to my party.  He was putting his arm around me and definitely seemed interested, but since I was freaking out about the whole pills thing, and I wasn't drinking so I was generally a little bit subdued, I think I screwed things up.  I couldn't make conversation to save my life, and he left with his friend after about half an hour. I think he thought that I wasn't interested, and so he just gave up.  So that's the bad news.  I wish he had come on a night when I wasn't feeling quite so crappy and confused about life.  I don't think I'll get another chance, and I'm really upset.

Tonight did not turn out the way that it was supposed to.  This sucks.

I didn't mean to, it just happened....

I took too many diet pills again.  Was supposed to take only two today, but I took 10.  My heart's feeling a bit funny..... I hope it'll pass soon.  This is scary.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Not doing that again....

Ouch.

My throat hurts.  Like, my muscles on the inside of my throat hurt.  I've never felt that before...I think that I'm going to stick to what I'm good at, which is restricting.  My little run in with purging was not very good for me.

I talked to W last night.  I told him everything.  I just broke down and told him.  Well, I didn't cry, but my resolve broke.  He was telling me that he had never known anyone with problems like me.  He never had a friend with depression, or who cut, or who had a raging eating disorder.  He told me that he had been doing research to see what he could do to help me.  What a sweetheart.  Too bad I'm probably going to try to avoid that help.....that's how fucked up I am.  When the guy that I sort of like decides that he's going to take it upon himself to make me better, I'm just going to throw it back in his face.

I'm going to feel horrible about it.  But that doesn't make it okay.

I told him that I would start blogging only every other day instead of every day, but we see how well that turned out....

<3

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I did it.

I have a confession to make.....

I purged for the first time.  Ever.  I was having such a good day, just an apple for breakfast and no lunch (I even hung out with Almond Boy today!), but then dinner came around....and I wouldn't say I binged, because that scares me so fucking badly, but I ate more than I was intending to.  And so I came back to my dorm and I forced myself to throw it up.  I've never done that before.  I've always been so good at the restricting, I never felt like I needed to purge, and when I did, I could never actually get myself to throw up.  But I did tonight and...well, it felt shitty, but it also felt good.  I'm all empty now, and I think I did it soon enough that I didn't absorb too many calories from dinner.

I want to talk to W.  But I shouldn't.  I can't.  But I need to talk to someone, not so they can convince me to stop, but so that I can....talk! I just need to vocalize what's going on right now, and maybe that will make me feel less out of control.  I don't know.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

That reminded me....

Skinny, Late' s post today reminded me of one of the toughest things about being depressed and having an eating disorder.  I was just thinking about this earlier, when I was sitting in my dorm. When I have a tough time, all of the people that know about my "situation" say that I should come talk to them, but how do I do that? How can I say, "Hey, can I talk to you about the fact that when I walk, the rubbing of my thighs against each other drives me to want to sprint back to my dorm room and cut my arm into ribbons? Or about the fact that sometimes I fantasize about just slipping off of the roof of my science building, by "accident" just so that I don't have to deal with this fucked up world anymore?  Can I just sit and tell you about how high I feel when all I have consumed in 3 days is black coffee?"  You can't do that.  Those conversations just don't happen.  People just say "I think you need to talk to someone about this..." (idiot, what do you think I was doing talking to you?), or they just don't even know what to say.  They pat you on the arm (not the one covered in scars and cuts) and lie, saying that you're beautiful and everything is going to be alright.  I have been having people tell me that everything was going to be alright for seven straight years now, and I don't see that panning out.

I can talk to my sister about everything, but I can't call her and tell her "Sometimes when I'm alone in my room, I just cry because I'm so sad all the time and I can't control it." She would freak out.

I can't tell J that when I got over one hundred percent on my midterm, I was more proud of the fact that my intake for that day had been under 500 calories.

I can't just waltz down the hallway to W's room and ask for a much needed hug, because that always leads to the questions of "why" that I can't handle.

Sometimes I just feel so fucking lonely.  Hell, not sometimes.  Almost all the time.  I've been getting reminded so often recently of how much you little loves mean to me, in this little network of blogs.  It is the one place where I can express how hopeless I feel and all I get is support, no judgement.

I sometimes don't know how much longer I'll last, I'm slowly driving myself insane.

Love you all <3

Monday, October 24, 2011

I'm sorry

My distraction methods didn't work. As soon as I got back from my ballet class, I took out my leatherman and now my arm is....well, you guys know. Mylo Xyloto is amazing, I've already listened to it twice all the way through. I highly recommend giving it a listen....

Love you guys, and thanks to all of my new followers, you're wonderful human beings.

Mylo Xyloto

Intake today:
Rice cake- 35 calories
Salad- 280 calories
Muffin- 120 calories
Water, water, more water
Diet coke

Simple post today, lovelies.  The newest Coldplay album was released today, so I'm going to go listen to it to distract myself from the knife sitting on my desk.  Love you all.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Oh, and thank you to all of my new followers. I love you guys.

No More

Alright, girlies, I have to promise myself something, and the only way I'm going to hold myself to it is if I tell you guys about it, so here goes.

I promise to stop drinking alcohol.  Not indefinitely, but until I have a little bit more control over my emotions and such.  It will probably just be for a few months, but it'll be a good thing for me.  Last night I drank 800 calories worth of alcohol, and while I wasn't even hungover this morning, I couldn't erase those calories from my system.  I also tell people things that I regret when I sober up, so the solution to that is to just be sober all the time.  I don't mind hanging out with drunk people; I know that my roommate will still want to throw parties in our room, and I'm fine with that, but I won't partake in the drinking.

Think of how many calories I'm going to save.  And all of the money I've wasted over the past few weeks....no more, we're done.

Maybe W can help me keep this promise....he doesn't drink (he kind of has an all-or-nothing personality, and he's afraid that if he starts drinking, he's going to go hardcore).  That's why he always ends up taking care of me when I'm drunk.

Anyways, thanks for listening to my spastic thoughts.  Love you.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Heyyyyyy

I probably shouldn't be posting right now, because I'm reallyyyyyyy drunk.  I told my friend that I like W, and she isn't judging me, but she's pretty drunk, so we'll see in the morning.

I ate too much today.  I'm sorry guys, I feel like sometimes I fail at life.  I haven't looked at my schedule in a couple of days, so tomorrow we'll be back on track.

Love you all!!!!!

Monday, October 17, 2011

Better...

Things today have been better than yesterday.  I went over on my calories for the day again, but I just whipped my ass in ballet instead of taking to the knife.  J texted me this morning and all he said was "I love you, be strong today." I love him so much, I'm so glad that he's in my life, and that he's chosen to forgive me for now.

Much love to Just Me and Astra, your guys' comments made my day a little brighter.  I love you guys.

So there's another guy....I promise that I'm not boy crazy, but being in college now, I have so many more new dating opportunities, so I'm trying not to limit myself.  This guy is the one that I told you about before, who took care of me when I was really drunk and who found out about my problems and wants to help me.  He lives on my floor, and his name starts with an "E", but since I already have a person on here designated to that name, we'll call him W.  He and I don't exactly see eye-to-eye on everything, but I love talking to him.  He's tall, dark hair, a little bit more athletic and muscle-y than my usual type, but he's not bulky, just lean.  He has a habit of walking around our dorm without a shirt on, which I don't complain about *drool*.  Some of the other people on my floor thought he was a little weird at first, but he isn't at all, actually.  He is super energetic and friendly, and he takes care of me.

The other night, when I was really drunk and I was mad that I had drunk so many calories, I was sitting on a couch in our common room just staring at my cuts and scratching at them.  He came in and pulled my hand away and just put his arm around me, stroking my hair and rubbing my shoulders, trying to get me to calm down.  We had a really good talk about life.  Then he started talking to me about how his girlfriend broke up with him now that they're at different schools, but she keeps calling him and telling him that she misses him, she's messing with his head.  When he was telling me about all of this, he put his head in his hands and was tearing up a little bit and I was just so astounded that he felt comfortable enough to tell me that.  Maybe he thought I was too drunk to remember....we haven't talked about it since.  But he is always looking out for me, and I think it was that night that I started developing a little crush.  I don't even know if I'll ever act on it or anything, but I just get really happy when I see him, and I love spending time with him.  I'm not as blatantly attracted to him as with Almond Boy, but we'll see...

I have a paper to finish and a few classes tomorrow, but then I have fall break! All of my friends are going home, except for me, so I'll basically have the entire campus to myself.  That'll be weird.  But I'll figure out ways to occupy my time...

Love you guys, thanks again for the comments <3

Sunday, October 16, 2011

I broke a promise.

It is official. I am a horrible person.
I haven't talked about J on here in awhile, but basically he's my best friend.  Or was, until I told him that I cut my wrists again tonight, after promising him that if I had the knife in my hand again, I would call him and have him talk me out of it.  Now he is pissed at me, and I think he's just upset, but this has happened before and I've completely ruined his trust in me.  I've wadded it up and thrown it in his face.  Then stomped on it and spit on it for good measure.  He says he doesn't know if he can forgive me for this.  He just keeps asking me why, and I don't have a good enough answer for him.  He doesn't understand that, for me, responding with "I ate too much at dinner" is a perfectly viable reason to turn my arm into mincemeat.
I don't know what I'm going to do without him.  It's hard enough that we're living on opposite sides of the country right now, but if he shuts me out of his life.....I don't know how I'll cope.
My left arm currently has more cuts than skin, it seems like.  I almost had to call my friend Eric to help me bandage it up because it wouldn't stop bleeding and I couldn't do it with one hand.  That's the low that I've reached.
I think I'll fast tomorrow.
Oh god, what will I do without him?
Trying so hard not to break down right now, guys.  I'm only being mildly successful.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Ouch.

Hunger hurts.


Since I was being such a lazy fat ass for a couple of weeks, I forgot how much hunger pains hurt.  Right now I'm laying in bed, and I can't sleep.  My body is in agony.  Shooting pains through my ribs and stomach.  Lucky for me, when I'm in pain I lose my appetite, so I'm not even a little bit tempted to go eat right now.  Maybe I'll get up and eat an apple or something so that I can fall asleep....

I ran into Almond Boy about two seconds ago.  I had pretty much written him off, due to the fact that I was basically initiating every contact that we had for a bit there, and it was getting embarrassing.  But just now, when I saw him, he said hi first and was all happy to see me, gave me a big hug and everything.  What. The. Hell.  And now I'm just as hung up on him as I was before. Fuck.

Ouch.  I'm in so much pain right now.  This is scary.

Love you guys <3

Uh ohhhhhhh

I did it again.  Except this time I actually cut a word into my arm.  I've never done that before.  I've reached a new level of despair.  Big red lines dash across my skin to form the word "FAT". After I promised my friend that I wouldn't do it again.  After I told my other friend that I would call him to have him talk me out of it next time I had the knife in my hand.

Oops.

I went over my calories for the day for the first time since I started ABC.  They were all calories from alcohol.  Shit.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

I had forgotten how tired fasting makes me....I've been really low energy, despite my five cups of coffee.

Longer post later...Love you guys.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

On a High

You know those days where you just wake up and feel invincible? I'm having one of those :D

I woke up early, did my hair and makeup, then put on an awesome outfit.  While everyone else was still rubbing sleep from their eyes on the way to breakfast, I was strutting my stuff in my Steve Madden boots, already on a high from my first cup of coffee for the day.

Since today is technically a fast, I had another cup of black coffee at breakfast, along with some water.  At lunch, I had some diet coke and more water.  Then I went to my ballet class.  I forgot the high that you get when you do a fast, it's such a thrill.  I love it! Instead of doing the 120 calories that I'm supposed to for my ABC tomorrow, I think I might just fast again.  It's amazing.

I still have volleyball to go to tonight, so that's even more calories burned....So excited!!!!

Love you girlies <3

Monday, October 10, 2011

He didn't come on Saturday.  Almond Boy, that is.  He texted me and said he was sick, so he couldn't go.  I saw him the next day, and I hate to say this but I was really happy to see him looking like shit.  I mean, I obviously felt really bad for him, but when he texted me the night before, I thought that he was just coming up with some bullshit excuse not to go.  But since he was actually sick, I felt a little better....does that make me a horrible person?

Other shenanigans went down on saturday as well.  I got pretty drunk and I was careless about my cuts and my friend saw them (and of course HE was sober) and he asked me what they were and I said "nothing" but obviously he knew.  And then there reached a point where I started counting how many calories were in the alcohol that I had just consumed, and he was just like "Is there something you need to tell me? I'm here for you, whatever you need..." and I basically just spilled my entire history of everything.  I've only known the guy for like a month and a half, and he helped me out like a trooper, just hugging me and telling me that he was there for me.

And then today, my two other friends saw that whole breakdown and they pulled me aside and were like "We're your friends through good times and bad times.  We just want you to know that we're here for you." So, somehow, after a weekend of drinking and loose tongues, I managed to go from having no one at college knowing about my history, to almost all of my new friends knowing.  It was nice to know that they are all here for me, but it's going to make the rest of this ABC thing harder....we'll see.

Today was a 400 calorie day.  Tomorrow is 500 calories, and then Wednesday is a fast, my first one of the diet.  So far I've been coasting, but I know that the days will get harder now.  Wish me luck.

I love you guys <3

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Breathe Me

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
hurt myself again today
and the worst part is 
theres no one else to blame


That moment when you are sitting in the bathroom, knife in hand, you don't go back.  Soon, the scars on your left arm are no longer white lines.  The ladder is interrupted by little red lines, slowly expanding by the minute.

I told my friends that I tripped and fell on the sidewalk.  They haven't seen the actual cuts because I have them wrapped up, but I think my friend A was a bit suspicious.  Whatever, they don't know about my past, I can feed them the lies for now.  A knows about my ED, but I think he's too scared to say anything about it.  I'm afraid that if they find out about my history of depression and suicidal tendencies and cutting they will run away, thinking I'm some sort of disease that can be caught.  I'm contagious.

I'm so sad that I can't even cry.  It's the kind of sad that seeps into your bones, weighing you down and dragging you to the ground.  The corners of your mouth have hooks in them, so every smile quivers with the pain and effort.

Hello again, darkness.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Days two and three and other news....

I had the same sort of day yesterday as the day before, so that was good.  I lost two pounds in the first day :) Today was supposed to be a 300 calorie day, so I had just black coffee for breakfast and I had a 300 calorie lunch. Skipping dinner.  I had ballet today as well, and volleyball tonight, so my net calories will end up in the negative range.

I got over a 100 percent on my chemistry exam, so that was amazing. I'm so happy about that.

And I'm throwing a birthday party for my roommate on Saturday, and guys, guess who said he's coming???? Almond Boy :) I may have squealed and danced around a little bit when I found out. Maybe....

This party is also a good distraction from the fact that I haven't been eating that much.  I love being in charge of organizing these kinds of things, I pretty much fill my schedule with running little errands that make my day full of activity.  I hate being solitary when I'm fasting/eating 500 calories or less.

Oh, and when I walked into dance today, my dance teacher said that I smelled good.  Great day? I think yes.

Skinny, here I come.  I can't wait to see you again.  Love you, lovelies!

Monday, October 3, 2011

Day 1- 500 calories

Breakfast- apple (80 calories)
Lunch- Carrots and hummus (120 calories)
Dinner- mixed greens salad (280 calories)

Total: 480 calories

Success :)

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Tomorrow

And I want to believe you
When you tell me that it'll be okay
yeah, I try to believe you
but I don't


When you say that it's going to be
it always turns out to be a different way
I try to believe you...not today.
Tomorrow may change


I start my ABC diet tomorrow, lovelies.  I spent a good part of the afternoon typing up an eating schedule so I will not cheat.  I love structure....Wish me luck, girlies!!!

Let me hear your voices.

Monday, September 26, 2011

ABC diet

Also known as the "Ana Boot Camp" diet.

I kind of do this already, but since I'm a great lover of structure and organization, it would be nice to have a planned schedule.  Have any of you guys tried it? I'm thinking I'll start on Monday, when my dad goes home after Parents' Weekend...

Thoughts?

Let's try something...

I weighed myself for the first time in a while last night, and promptly got up and grabbed my knife to cut. Realizing that mt roommate was in the room and cutting would be illogical, I crawled into my bed and silently cried myself to sleep.

Black coffee for breakfast this morning.

I'm going to try to do a liquid fast, maybe things will start melting off again...That number on my scale terrified me, I have to start doing something. I've gotten lazy.

I love you guys. Let me hear your voices <3

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Almond Boy

Hello lovelies.

So this was the post that I meant to do about a week or two ago, but since I was still confused about the whole breaking up with E thing, I figured I should cool off a bit before posting this.

There's a boy.

I found a post on "Letters to Crushes" that completely summarizes my feelings:

So maybe I have this teeny tiny microscopic crush on you and I think about you all the time and my heart beats super fast when I see you and people can catch my attention just by saying your name.  Yup, that's right. Nothing serious.

My roommate and I call him Almond Boy, so that's what his name shall be on here.

We met at orientation.  I was sitting on the grass with my roommate, listening to one of the million speeches that we had to go to, and he just sat down next to me, leaned over, and offered me some almonds.  No introduction, just an adorable smile and a little gesture.  I turned towards him and whispered "No, thank you."  I quickly turned back around and introduced myself.  He smiled and told me his name.  He has sparkling hazel eyes, short brown hair, and a facial expression that seems to be somewhere between a smirk and a smile all the time.  We sat in companionable silence for the rest of the presentation.

Later, we had to go to a speech in the chapel, and we coincidentally sat next to each other.  Over the course of the next two hours, we whispered back and forth about everything and nothing, our shoulders occasionally brushing as we leaned in to say something.  At one point, the speaker told us that we needed to move to sit next to someone that we'd never met before.  At this point, he leaned over and said quietly, "I want to stay sitting with you..." I rolled my eyes at him, but made no move to get up as everyone around us shuffled to new seats.  We again went our separate ways, and I didn't see him much for the next day or so, except when we'd occasionally wave and smile to each other in passing.  Then when we ere lining up for convocation, he randomly showed up behind me in line and we started talking.  Unfortunately, due to the number of seats in each row, he couldn't sit next to me, which was "quite a shame" according to him.  I don't think I've ever been so hyper aware of someone else's presence before.  It's addicting, way more than I ever felt with E.  I didn't see him for a few days, and then one day I shoed up to dinner, and he was eating with the two friends I was joining.  Again, conversation ensued; but then he had to go.  But as he started walking away, he noticed my tattoo and came back to ask me about it, like what inspired it.  I told him it was a long story, and he smiled and said, "You can tell me about it later." Then he left.

Ran into him again about a week later, and he asked to have dinner with me.  I was already eating with my friends, so he joined us, and it was really nice.  Guys, I really like this guy.  I wasn't allowed to admit it when I first met him during orientation because I was technically still with E.  He was part of the reason I broke up with E...not because I thought I'd have a better shot with Almond Boy, but because I figured that if I could fall that hard for a guy after just a couple of conversations with him, I must not be as infatuated with E as I thought, and it wouldn't be fair to him to stay together when I was clearly falling for someone else....

Stupid boys.  I don't know what emotion is stronger; fear that when I finally see Almond Boy again, he wont really care; annoyance with myself (and him) that we didn't exchange numbers; pure attraction...I don't know, but I'm a jumble of crazy emotions right now.

I am losing weight noticeably now.  I was in ballet class, and my arms are starting to get that thin toned look again...I almost jumped for joy.

My friend A saw that I was posting on a blog, and now he's trying to find it....He was going to ask my sister what it was called, but she doesn't know that I still post on here (I told her awhile ago that I deleted it).  I pretty much had to steal his computer to keep him from sending her a Facebook message.  But I doubt he'll find it. I guess we'll see...

I had something else that I wanted to tell you guys, but I'm forgetting right now.

I love you all, thank you for listening to my mindless ramblings.  Especially when I go off about a boy like that.

Let me hear your voices, I really need a reminder more than ever that I'm not rambling into cyberspace.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

A little angel in Chemistry...

The TA for my chemistry lab is like me. She's ana. When I saw her, we just locked eyes and I gave her a sad smile.  We share a secret. She's tiny; barely over 5 feet tall, and her bones stick out of her figure, gently wrapped by thin layers of skin that barely conceal them.  I could see scars on the inside of her left arm, like mine. A ladder of delicate white lines. In our lab, we were weighing cookies, and I could see the steel determination in her eyes, reflecting my own, as the aroma of fresh chocolate chip cookies filled the small space.  We stayed strong, unknowingly helping each other along.

987 cals today. Not as low as I want (my daily goal has been 600 to 800 daily), but still under 1000.  I'm getting there again, I could see it in the mirror of my dance studio today.  I'm starting to look graceful again. I missed that.

I love you all.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Interesting

I was sitting at dinner with my friends last night (3 carrots and hummus, what WHAT), and we all noticed how one of our friends eats soooooo much food. I said that I had a calorie counter on my phone, so my friend decided to record how much this guy had eaten today. By the end of it, the guy with my phone wanted us to guess how many calories the other guy had eaten, and I guessed it exactly (it was 5320 calories. Holy shit.).  He accused me of looking at the number, but I didn't look.  I just know foods and their calories like nobody's business.  There was an odd sense of pride that I felt in being able to guess that number; if I know my food that well, I should be able to keep it under control.

This entry probably made no sense, but whatever...It made sense in my head.

Love you.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Out of control

2124 calories today. FML.

I. WANT. NOW.

I need to be skinny. Right now. I hate myself for being so fatfatfat, MAKE IT STOP. I'm constantly rubbing the scars on my arms as if somehow I could just rub away the fat and muscle and finally see the bones.  I need that.

Pulling out my hair.  Trying not to cry. No one here knows, I'm a master of deceit and putting on a happy facade.  But I'm exhausted, cracking slowly....

Well....hmm.

I broke up with E.

It was just getting to hard to make time for him given that we're both at different schools and trying to find our own new lives. I still care for him immensely, but we agreed that it'd be better if we just try to stay friends for now. He is too much of a reminder of what I moved to the other side of the country to get away from.  I just want a fresh palette.  I hope he understands that. He was upset (hell, so was I), but it was a very necessary thing to do. I think we both knew it was coming, given we didn't have the same history as some of our friends who are trying to stay together in college.

I'm finally making friends here, and it's starting to feel like home.  I've lost weight.  Not like 10 pounds or anything, but I'm getting there. I go to the gym every day, and on Mondays and Wednesdays I have my ballet class.  It's wonderful to be dancing again, I can't even begin to describe it.

I hope you are all doing well....there is some other stuff going on here that I'll fill you guys in on once I'm less confused about it in congruence with breaking up with E.  It pretty much has me in a complete emotional roller-coaster, so brace yourselves for my next post.

I love you all with my whole heart.  You little angels are my anchors.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Hello lovlies.

As you know, I am now at University, and it's....not what I expected. I'm thousands of miles from home and the culture shock is almost unbearable. I am slowly making friends, but I'm not a naturally outgoing person so it's tough. I miss E. I miss my sister.

But it is so easy to not eat here. No one knows about my problems here, so on that front it's a fresh start.

Love you guys <3

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Goal

You know the Freshman 15 that girls supposedly gain in college? I'm going to lose it. Maybe I'll make it the Freshman 20 or 30.

That's all.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Freedom

I'm moving in to my dorm tomorrow. I can almost taste freedom. It tastes like... Rice cakes and chai lattes. I'm so ready for this.

E and I have decided to try to stay together, even though we're at different universities. The thought fucking terrifies me, but we'll see how it goes...

Love you all. I'll post more, I promise.

Friday, August 5, 2011

List of Reasons Why This Has Been The Worst Summer Ever

  1. I walked in on my mom kissing a guy that wasn't my father. My parents are not divorced.
  2. I have been away from E all summer because of this stupid job that I hate.
  3. I'm living in the middle of nowhere at a shit-hole of a research station, studying beetles that I care absolutely nothing about.
  4. I don't have my computer, which isn't a big deal, but it means that I can't blog. Or write my stories. Both of which are the only things keeping me sane.
  5. I have been away from my twin sister all summer, and she is going through a really tough time. And this is only the beginning; I'm abandoning her to go to college in a few weeks too.
  6. I can't fucking drop my current weight.
  7. I cut my thumb open and got 6 stitches, because I'm a klutz.
  8. I have been very, very ill multiple times this summer. Like vomiting and blacking out and fevers and shit.  MORE THAN ONCE.
  9. I'm having a complete identity crisis because I don't like science anymore (see #3), but my mom won't let me study english or viniculture like I want to.  My dream is to be a world-renowned author who owns a vineyard on the side; my mom's dream is for me to be a replica of her. Therefore, a biology major I shall be.
  10. I CAN'T DROP MY CURRENT WEIGHT. I hate plateaus.  It's adding to my current insanity. I've been hiking and restricting and hiking and not eating. Nothing.
So, this list is very random and rather incoherent, but basically I have had a really crappy summer.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Just Thoughts

Do you ever feel like your life isn't real?

I have so much trouble looking at my life as anything other than some course of events that I have no control over. I can't feel anything deeply. What is wrong with me? A friend hugs me; I put my arms around them, but it's as if the swell of affection comes from some source that isn't me. A boy who I like (a lot) repeatedly tells me that he loves spending time with me, and he wants to see me in college. Why is it that, when he kisses me, there is no uprising of emotions? Or if there are, why does it feel like I'm observing those emotions from afar, rather than experiencing them? It's as if I'm watching my own life from behind a curtain, like I'm backstage at the performance of my existence. I have the access to the dramatically ironic emotions that the audience cannot see. I know what's going on onstage. But I can't reach out and join the show.

Just sharing what's on my mind. I spent past weekend with E at one of our friend's cabins. No parents. But he was super respectful; we didn't do anything except kiss and cuddle all weekend (which is good; I don't think I'd be able to handle a healthy physical relationship with my head in the state that it's in. TMI? Maybe. Sorry.)

I hope you all are doing splendidly. I lost 4 pounds last weekend. Happy about that (as happy as I am about anything these days...)

Take care, loves.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Paper Bag

Helloooooo!

I have that song "Paper Bag" by Fiona Apple stuck in my head, which reminded me of the fact that I haven't posted on here in forever.  Which I don't really need to be reminded of; I think about you guys and this blog every day.

My weight is steadily dropping again.  Since my job requires a lot of hiking and backpacking and such, I've been burning so many calories, it's brilliant.  Unfortunately, where I am currently living, there is very little access to fruits and vegetables for me to control myself with, so I've pretty much been surviving on nonfat Chai Lattes and rice cakes.

E and I have been "dating" for a few weeks now.  I stayed out with him until the wee hours of the morning last night (that sentence makes no sense), just talking.  He took me out to a restaurant that specializes in salads, so it was easy for me to just slip under the radar a bit.  I had mixed greens (no dressing) and a Diet Coke (80 calories total).  It was a good night on all fronts.  Except for the fact that he now knows about my....history.  Of depression. And cutting. And not eating. And suicidal contemplations.  It was a bit of a rough conversation (with me avoiding eye contact for most of it), but he didn't run away screaming, so that's a plus. But now he knows what to look out for, so I'm a bit worried about my freedom to avoid calories when I'm around him.  I guess we'll see.

I love you guys.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Back from Russia

Hello loves,

I just got back from my trip to Russia and I am so jet lagged.   I came home and slept for 14 hours with the intention of just taking a one hour nap. Oops.

I couldn't eat anything in Russia, it was ridiculous.  I mean, I haven't been eating much at all recently because I'm in such an emotional turmoil that I tipped back over the edge, but I would usually have an apple for breakfast and a salad for dinner.  No lunch.  I had learned to work my routine to my advantage.  But in Russia, I had absolutely no control.  None.  Our group leader would take us to restaurants where they would just keep bringing out random food, fried with potatoes and meat and cream and fatfatfat, and I'm not going to lie, I freaked out.  I had to get up and leave the table more than once on this trip.  My roommate got a little worried, but she is such a bitch and I really didn't feel like talking to her about my issues.  She's one of those people who is super fake and tries to be nice to your face, but you know that as soon as you leave the room she'll be trash talking you.  I hate people like that.  My one friend on the trip did try to walk me through eating while I was there, but there were just too many options that I refused to even look at, so she eventually gave up.  I apologized later to her, because I know she was just trying to help.  But I had absolutely no control over the situation, so I was feeling defensive.  I definitely lost weight on the trip, on the plus side.....

Oh, more news about E.  I told him that I like him (it was a much more articulate way of saying that, but that was the gist of it), and he told me he was flattered.  And that he thought I was wonderful.  And he wants to spend time with me this summer, and hopefully next year too.  He doesn't care that we're going to different schools.

Yeah, cue me falling just a little farther for this guy.

I will probably get to post more, now that I'll just be living with my mom and not my whole family.  We'll see.  I always forget how much I love talking to you guys, it's so wonderful to know that I have support no matter what.  I love you all, you are my stability right now.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Contradictions

Okay, for the first time I am going to have a post that has nothing to do with my ED.  Absolutely nothing.

So I went to my Senior Farewell tonight, and E played in a lot of the sets.  He was...breathtaking.  I actually couldn't take my eyes off of him whenever he was on stage.  Fuck. And, dammit, I'm falling for him.  Hard.  And I can't afford to do that right now, not since after next Thursday I probably won't see him ever again.

This is so hard, guys.  I have so many emotions pent up right now that I feel like I'm going to explode.  I have tears streaming down my face because I'm sad and crazed and fucking bursting with about a million different emotions because I can never let anyone see how passionate I am about everything.  You know how there are people who have absolutely no filter between what they think and what they say?  I think mine's defective.....it's too thick.  I can't even respond to a simple question about school without frantically weighing my words and their effects on everyone around me, and how I'll look if I mess up.  That filter isn't letting me out, and whenever I manage to squeak past and put something out there, I have a backlash and I close in on myself again.

The way I'm phrasing this isn't exactly how I mean it; I'm not accusing some force outside of my control of not letting myself show.  I'm the one that's doing that, and I take full responsibility.  I'm just so scared.

Tonight, I had such conflicting emotions I swear I was about to rip apart.  I wanted to grab the front of E's shirt, pull him towards me, and never let go.  I've never wanted to do that so badly.  But that level of feeling scared me, so I wanted to push him and everything else as far away as possible, turn around, and run away.  Just keep running, and maybe I'll leave these crazed emotions and thoughts behind with E and the rest of my classmates.

Thanks for putting up with me, guys, I love you all so much.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Down, down, down I go

falling falling falling.......relapse.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Work in Progress.

Having troubles eating.  It's really scary to sit down and eat a "healthy" meal.  I'm really trying, I truly want to get better.  Right now I feel like I'm scaling the side of a cliff, my hands are barely holding the rocks with scrapes and cuts all over.  It would be so much easier to just push off the side and fall down......but I won't.  I can't.  I've come this far.  I can see the sharp rocks below growing ever distant, and I think I see a hint of a grassy top up above me.  I will not stop.  I can do this.  I can, I can, I can.  No one said it would be easy.......

Thank you for the beautiful comments a couple of you left.  I love you girls so much.

This post is more of a pep-talk for me than anything else, sorry 'bout that.

<3

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I'm here...and I'm going to be alright.

At least, that's what I have to keep telling myself.

I know that I haven't posted in awhile.  I'm sorry about that.  Master Cleanse was a bust.

But that's not what I want to post about.  I would just like to tell you that I am actively seeking recovery.  I want to get away from this horrific monster that has controlled my life for years and years.  I am beautiful.  I am worth it.  I love my family, and I am re-learning to love myself.  Today, I had a raspberry smoothie and avocado toast for breakfast.  That was a little scary, so I only had an apple for lunch....but I'm working on it.  I'm talking to my parents and my sister, and they are being amazingly supportive, especially my mom.

For those of you who are still struggling, I just have this to say: I love you guys.  You understood me when I was going through my darkest of times, and for that all I can do is thank you.  I hope that one day you all can learn to love yourselves, and recognize how beautiful and amazing you are.  I stopped listening to that voice that kept telling me you can't and you're fat fat fat fat....and it has made all the difference.  I'm not saying that I'm miraculously better; I know that probably will never be true.  But I've finally discovered that I deserve to live the life that I want to live, and I don't want those shadows steering me around for the rest of my life.

I may not post again for awhile.  I'll occasionally check in, respond to comments or messages.  But I want to go live my life, as cliche as that sounds.  Just one small step at a time.

Much love <3

Friday, April 15, 2011

GUESS WHAT???

MASTER CLEANSE!!!!!!!! :D

Starting tomorrow :) I finally convinced my parents.

Love you guys.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Sparkling....

I got up at 5:00 this morning for a run, and decided to go to the pond near my house.  Since it was so early, I got to see the sunrise, which was beautiful.  The light reflecting off of the water resembled gold and silver scattering into little beads.  It was so peaceful....I think I'm going to make a habit of doing that every morning from now on.

I ate breakfast and dinner yesterday.  Breakfast was 1/2 cup of Kashi GO LEAN cereal (70 cals), and dinner was fish and asparagus with spinach pasta.  I had to eat it because we had a family meal, although my mom noticed me cutting my food to pieces, and then proceeding to eat clockwise around my plate.  She raised her eyebrows at me, but didn't comment.  Thank goodness.

I finally read Wasted.  It was incredible.  And intense.  I loved it, she is such an amazing writer.  My favorite english teacher noticed that I was reading it, and she knows about my "past", so she was a little bit worried, but I just told her a friend wanted me to read it, not to worry.  I hate lying to her.

I have my senior meeting at school to go to, so I better get offline.  Oh, and by the way, I have a goal to lose 13 lbs by May 16th.  Wish me luck!

Love you guys <3

Friday, April 1, 2011

prom

Prom sucked.  My dress was too tight, E didn't even seem to notice me, and there were no good parties to go to afterwards.

But I didn't eat all day.

Love you all <3

Thursday, March 31, 2011

E.....and prom

I wrote a really long post yesterday, but as I was about to finish it up, my dad came home, so I had to close the window really fast.  So I lost my post!

I'm so tired right now....prom is tomorrow night, and right now I don't feel excited.  I should be excited.  The guy that I like is going with my group.  Huh, it's so weird, I just realized that it's been so long since my last post that I haven't told you about him :)  It makes me smile just to think about him.  For the sake of this blog, we'll call him E.  E is in my Russian Lit class, and I've kind of had a thing for him for almost 4 years now.  But recently he's actually started to notice me.  Like the other day, we hung out after school, just walking around campus and talking for almost 2 hours.  Then, instead of letting me walk home (I live about 2 blocks away from campus) he insisted that he drive me home.  I discovered that he has the same taste in music as me (which is awesome!)  He's so smart, too; he got into Stanford, and yesterday he found out that he got into Harvard. Harvard.  I fail at life in comparison to him, but he's super humble and doesn't rub it in your face, you know?  He's our class president and he's in journalism and he's a freaking amazing basketball player....There's pretty much nothing he can't do.  Which is why this little crush hasn't really moved past that point.  I know that I'm not good enough for him, no way.  Me with my B+ average and my quiet personality and my totally fucked up mind....

My dress for prom comes tonight.  I don't even know if I want to put it on; I don't want to see the fat pressing against straining seams, I don't want my legs bared for the world to see my trunk-like thighs.  It's going to be horrible.

I did a fast today, so if I can carry that through until tomorrow, maybe I'll feel better.  I doubt it, but it's worth a shot.

I'm sorry for the crappy post.  My mind is not all here today, so this is just some unfiltered garbage.

I love you all, and I'll try to post more, I promise <3

Stay strong, my dears.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Raw Food

Hello lovlies!

Long time no post, I know.  I've been trying to catch up in school recently.  I had to give all of my attention to this Calculus exam because I failed the last one.  If I failed this one, chances are that my acceptance to college would be rescinded.  That would be bad.  I need to get out of here, and college is my ticket out.

But, luckily I got an A on that test, so all is well for now...I've been staying pretty solidly in the 500 calorie range on a day to day basis.  My lovely literature teacher is getting worried about me (she's the only one at school who knows about my eating disorder), but I've been kind of blowing her off, telling her that I'm fine.  I hate lying to her; she knows that I haven't been eating.  I just hope she doesn't tell my parents.

Right now I'm trying to convince my parents to let me go on a raw food diet.  I'm pretty much doing that already, but if I make it official, it means that they can't give me a hard time for just eating some celery or carrots.  I'll have the excuse: "I'm not allowed to eat that other stuff."  They are hesitant to let me, but I think they're caving.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Do you ever just feel like you hate your life?  I've been feeling like that for the past few months.  And it's not like the "I'm mad at everyone, life is awful, it needs to go die in a hole" kind of hate.  I've just been so depressed that I have trouble getting up in the morning, or doing anything.  I just feel so dejected and defeated all the time, and it's starting to take it's toll.  My life has become monotonous.  Sometimes as I'm falling asleep, I feel tears running down my cheeks onto my pillow without even realizing that I'm crying.  I have nothing to look forward to anymore, except for that next goal weight on the scale.  Even when I do "fun" or "relaxing" things with my sister, I am constantly thinking about how I don't deserve to have fun or relax, because I'm too fat/stupid/lazy/awful/ugly....I don't feel alive anymore.

I hope that you all are not tired of my pathetic ramblings.  Nevertheless, I'm going to keep posting them.  I have nowhere else to go.

"Tired of trying, sick of crying...yes I'm smiling, but inside I'm dying."

Stay strong <3

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Poppin' those little white pills...

I'm on my iPod so this will be short....I didn't eat anything today except for a side salad at dinner and those wonderful slimquick pills. I got in a fight with my mom at dinner because she said the salad wasn't enough food (little does she know...) but I don't care cuz I'm on a role!

Love you guys! Stay strong <3

Sunday, February 13, 2011

ballet...

I went to see the ballet again yesterday....it was exquisite.  My sister is gorgeous, beaming and skinny and absolutely perfect.  I love her so much :)  I'm so proud of what she has accomplished these past two years in ballet, it's really quite something.  The ballet was supposed to be sad at the end, but I didn't cry when everyone else did; I cried when my sister was dancing...happy tears.  She's just so amazing.

Since I've pretty much boycotted all of the lame-ass guys at my high school, I've decided that I'm going to bring my sister and her ballet friend to prom with me, and just party.  Have a girls' night :D I'm excited.

So, update on what happened last weekend....my teachers pretty much said "Why are you at school if you have a concussion?" so I stayed home for a few days last week.  It was nice...I watch Pride and Prejudice twice (I'm such a hopeless romantic, I love that movie/book so much...) and I read three books.  I have a 4 day weekend coming up, and my parents are going out of town for most of it :) yaaaaaaaaay! So it'll be just my sister and me, and we'll get to have some fun.

I hope you all are doing alright.  I've been eating about 500-600 calories a day, running, and popping diet pills like candies...I haven't stepped on the scale though, not for about a week.  I'm afraid that all of this work that I've been putting in wont show :(

Stay strong <3

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Well that sucked...

Hello beautifuls.

I've had an interesting day....

This morning, I decided to go to this workout class with my mom, because she said it's really hard.  I didn't eat breakfast before hand because, well, I don't have to tell you guys....So anyways, I was working out in the class (which was freaking HARD), when I started to feel really light-headed.  I stopped doing the exercise and tried to regain composure so I could continue, but the feeling wouldn't go away.  The last thing I remembered was looking at my face in the studio mirror, and it was white as a sheet.  Like seriously, I looked dead.  Next thing I know, I'm opening my eyes, laying on the ground, shivering and not remembering where I am.  I figured out where I was in a couple of seconds, but I've been really out of it for the rest of the day.

Since my mom was there, she took me to Urgent Care (they called the paramedics, but I told them that I didn't need it).  Apparently, I passed out, smacked my head on the floor, and then had a mini-seizure.  I was out for a good minute.

So yeah, that was my day. My head is pounding, and I shake every time I walk now.  Lesson?  Eat at least a little bit before exercising, even if it's just half an apple.  This whole thing scared the shit out of me...I'm still on track, no worries, but I'm going to be careful to eat before working out from now on, I don't want to draw attention to the fact that I'm starving myself on a regular basis.

Love you all, and I hope your days were better than mine.

Stay strong <3

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

aaaaaaaand......CRASH!

I knew that the good days wouldn't last.

I had a slimquick drink mix for both breakfast and lunch, but I still had that headache.  When I got home from school I gorged on seaweed snacks and dried apricots and artichokes and chips and a protein bar and raisins. I don't even like artichokes, and the protein bar tasted like shit.  Why did I eat it all???? I feel sick.  I'm out of laxatives and I have no money right now to get more...purging is really not an option for me.  I wish I could cut open my stomach and just remove all of the food.  I should just remove my stomach while I'm at it, then there would be nothing to give me these sick pains.

Sometimes I wish I could just slit open my skin and let the fat ooze out.  Then I would zip myself back up and see my pure bones and empty skin.  I would be free and clean....beautiful.

I wish.

Stay strong, beautifuls <3

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Headacheeeeeee

Ouch. My head is hurting like a biznatch.  Yes, I did just say (actually, type) biznatch.  I'm that cool ;)

Intake today:
vegetable soup (130 calories, for breakfast)
black coffee (5 calories)
seaweed snacks (30 calories)
water
water
more water

Both of my parents are home so it'll be hard to skip dinner again...I'll eat as little as possible to get by.  I should still be under 500 calories for the day though, so that's good :)  How are you all doing?

I've been reading Wintergirls for about the billionth time.  I always stop before I get to the end, is that bad?  I'm thinking of getting Wasted by Marya Hornbacher....I heard it's good.  Have you guys read it? If you have, tell me what you think, I'd love to hear your opinions...

Let me hear your voices.

Stay strong <3

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Three little words...

Must. Not. Eat.
Must. Not. Eat.
Must. Not. Eat.


Today's damage:
Earl Grey Tea
one rice cake with hot sauce

maybe I can "feel sick" and get out of eating dinner....

Stay strong, dear ones <3

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

RUNNING!

Sooooooo I'm in a good mood today :) I'm going for a run here in a few minutes, and it is a beautiful, sunny day here in California.

I have a stupid Calculus quiz that I have to study for when I get back, but I'm not going to let that darken my mood right now. Maybe later, when I'm actually doing it, I can feel sullen and annoyed ;)

Love you all, I hope your guys' days are at least as good as mine has been <3

Intake today:
1/4 cup of Kashi cereal
Roasted Seaweed (sounds gross but it's actually really good.  Plus, and entire package is only 30 calories)
Diet Coke

Let me hear your voices.

Stay strong, little angels <3

Monday, January 24, 2011

Another post before I fade back into the darkness again...I'm trying to stay here, I promise...

Hello there :)

I just want to say that I am soooo sorry that I haven't been posting recently.  My family's computer broke, so now my desktop computer is the home desktop computer, so I have little to no privacy any more.  My dad or my mom is constantly looking over my shoulder, saying, "Are you done with the computer yet? I need to check something..." grrrrr.  As per usual, when I leave this little haven, the bigbadscary food demons come back.  I have been keeping the intake to 700 to 800 calories a day, but it's awful.  I'm not losing weight, and I haven't for a few weeks.  I hate hate hate it! Why am I such a failure?!?  I want to be thin.  I need to be thin.  I looked at myself in the mirror the other day and started crying at what I saw. I'm fat fat fat fat fat when all I want to be is a delicate little nymph.

Intake today....
Breakfast:

  • 1/2 of a tofu scramble (190 calories)
Lunch:

  • 1 blood orange (70 calories)
  • Fage yogurt and raisins (228 calories....ouch)
  • Seaweed snacks (30 calories)
Dinner tonight is supposed to be stuffed peppers, but I'm going to skip and just drink some green tea..... I hate days like this.  Tomorrow is going to be no breakfast, no lunch, and only a little for dinner.  I'll drink a lot of water and tea all day, but nothing solid until dinner. I'm sticking to this plan.

I have been catching up on all of your recent updates, and I must say that you are inspiring little loves, did you know that? I love you all <3

So, recent news in my life....I was lamenting before how I wasn't going to be able to go to Russia but GUESS WHAT???? I'm going :D It makes me so happy.

I need to get out of this town.  I need to get out of high school. I just keep telling myself just a few more months, then you'll be on the other side of the country......

More updates from me later.  I'm sorry that this is such a boring post, but my sister will be home any minute now, so I need to log off.

Let me hear your voices.

Stay strong <3