Saturday, July 30, 2011

Just Thoughts

Do you ever feel like your life isn't real?

I have so much trouble looking at my life as anything other than some course of events that I have no control over. I can't feel anything deeply. What is wrong with me? A friend hugs me; I put my arms around them, but it's as if the swell of affection comes from some source that isn't me. A boy who I like (a lot) repeatedly tells me that he loves spending time with me, and he wants to see me in college. Why is it that, when he kisses me, there is no uprising of emotions? Or if there are, why does it feel like I'm observing those emotions from afar, rather than experiencing them? It's as if I'm watching my own life from behind a curtain, like I'm backstage at the performance of my existence. I have the access to the dramatically ironic emotions that the audience cannot see. I know what's going on onstage. But I can't reach out and join the show.

Just sharing what's on my mind. I spent past weekend with E at one of our friend's cabins. No parents. But he was super respectful; we didn't do anything except kiss and cuddle all weekend (which is good; I don't think I'd be able to handle a healthy physical relationship with my head in the state that it's in. TMI? Maybe. Sorry.)

I hope you all are doing splendidly. I lost 4 pounds last weekend. Happy about that (as happy as I am about anything these days...)

Take care, loves.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Paper Bag

Helloooooo!

I have that song "Paper Bag" by Fiona Apple stuck in my head, which reminded me of the fact that I haven't posted on here in forever.  Which I don't really need to be reminded of; I think about you guys and this blog every day.

My weight is steadily dropping again.  Since my job requires a lot of hiking and backpacking and such, I've been burning so many calories, it's brilliant.  Unfortunately, where I am currently living, there is very little access to fruits and vegetables for me to control myself with, so I've pretty much been surviving on nonfat Chai Lattes and rice cakes.

E and I have been "dating" for a few weeks now.  I stayed out with him until the wee hours of the morning last night (that sentence makes no sense), just talking.  He took me out to a restaurant that specializes in salads, so it was easy for me to just slip under the radar a bit.  I had mixed greens (no dressing) and a Diet Coke (80 calories total).  It was a good night on all fronts.  Except for the fact that he now knows about my....history.  Of depression. And cutting. And not eating. And suicidal contemplations.  It was a bit of a rough conversation (with me avoiding eye contact for most of it), but he didn't run away screaming, so that's a plus. But now he knows what to look out for, so I'm a bit worried about my freedom to avoid calories when I'm around him.  I guess we'll see.

I love you guys.