Friday, February 24, 2012

Monday, February 20, 2012

Shock

I came back to check up on you guys, because I hadn't in a few days, and I came back to a horrible shock.  It's not my place to talk about it, but if you all could send little Rose as much love and support as you can, I have a feeling that it would help.  Honey, if you're reading this, just know that you're in my thoughts.

New York as been pretty good. Not fasting, but I have been restricting, splitting a non-fat muffin with my sister for breakfast every morning, and then not eating until dinner when all I eat is some lettuce and cucumbers.  And I'm walking everywhere, which has actually meant walking all day, so that's good :) Burning lots of calories.  I'll fast tomorrow because I hate eating at the airport/when I'm traveling, so when I weigh myself at home, it should be a fairly accurate number!

My friend is trying so hard to heal everything that is wrong with me.  I haven't really talked much about him, I just call him "my friend', but really he is like my brother.  I swear, if he could, I bet he would do anything it took so that I could be happy with myself.  The thing is, I don't even know what that is anymore.  What is life without that bitch hissing in your ear that you're stupid/ugly/fat/disgusting/horrible? I don't know.

I like where I'm at.  Correction: I like how where I'm at is going to get me to where I want to be.  Skinny. Beautiful.  Untouchable.  Fearless.

I'll be able to fly.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Updateeee

Hello lovelies <3

So I have finally reached 50 followers.  I know that some of you have a LOT more than that, which is wonderful, but it means so much to me that all of you guys read what I have to say.  You are all so lovely and wonderful and thank you so so so so much for putting up with my crazy.

I have some news from this weekend.  Long story short, I shouldn't drink when I am an emotional wreck. Which is all the time.  So on Friday night, I got very drunk on a bottle of wine that my friend got for me and him to split, which I ended up drinking by myself.  I was a very large bottle, bigger than your average 5 glasses....Anyways, I ended the night crying, scratching at the scabs on my arms, and trying to go to the bathroom to purge all of the wine I drank.  I was out of control, and my friend had to basically hold my hands behind my back to keep me from doing anything.  He tried to stay with me all night, but he had to go to the bathroom for a moment, and while he was gone I purged into my garbage can.

I went to the councillor thing on Wednesday.  Turns out that my psych evaluation isn't for another two weeks.  This evaluation was just to make sure I needed one.  Conclusion? Yes, yes I do.  Crap.

I'm staying at a friend's house for the night, but then tomorrow morning I'm getting on a train to the Big Apple to spend a few days with my sister :) I'm so excited, I've never been there! And with her on her crazy audition/ballet diet, I can surely get away with eating quite minimally.  Maybe even fast for the weekend!

It's been a dreary past few weeks, so I'm glad that I finally have a chance to get off campus and do something fun.  I'll try to post a little more often, I miss you guys when I don't!

<3

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Decision

Thank you Astra, for your advice.  I think I am going to go to the appointment tomorrow.  I think it will be best for everyone...if I stay on my friends' good side, and they think I'm going to see someone about this....stuff, then I think I am going to have a little bit more freedom.

I don't even want to talk about my intake today.  It was horrible.  And I'm so sick so I haven't been able to do anything except lay in bed.  My nightstand has three empty boxes of tissues, and almost two empty bottles of NyQuil.  Although the part of my illness where I have no appetite hit me this evening, so all I had for dinner was some water.  What a relief, after the crap I've been eating these past couple of days....I've been trying to talk to my friend about it, because I have been going absolutely crazy with no outlet (because they took my razor blades), so I just needed to VENT to someone, but I'm horrible at bringing this stuff up and so I've just been stuffing it and I haven't been posting here as much as I should and I feel like I'm about to explode!!!!

I'm depressed and angry and scared and anxious and I just want it to stop.  Just STOP.

But what would I do without the madness?


Just something to think about.... Stay strong loves.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Fluxuations

I hate when my weight goes all crazy.  So what happened after my last post was that I gained back three pounds, although I'm pretty sure it was all muscle weight, because then I proceeded to lose 5 pounds. That was just in one week!  So it was a net loss of 2 pounds, which is good because as soon as I discovered I had gained back 3 pounds, I freaked.

I'm getting leaner again, from working out.  My roommate and I do this workout thing every day now, and it absolutely kills. It's kind of a combination of ballet, yoga, and orthopedic exercises.  I love it! So I do that every day and then I do cardio on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  I don't remember if I've told you guys this already, so bear with me if I have.  I've been a little scatterbrained as of late.

So my friends have said that they want me to start seeing someone, for treatment and stuff.  I don't know why they are doing this, I have made it pretty clear (or as clear as I could without being a bitch to them), that I do not want treatment, that I am just fine with how things are right now, thank you very much.  But they have somehow got me an appointment for an evaluation on Friday... I don't know how I'm going to get out of it.  I guess I could just disappear after my classes on Friday... that's what I did the morning after my incident a couple of weeks ago.  I have a bad habit of running away from problems rather than confronting them, but in this situation I don't know what else to do... I have already seen people for my eating disorder and depression (not helpful at all), and while I haven't officially been diagnosed for some of my other neuroses, I'm pretty sure that I have symptoms of a manic depressive with some OCD tossed in there.  Yippie.  I don't need some evaluation to tell me that I am indeed quite fucked up.

Any ideas on what I should do?  If I don't go, I'm pretty sure my friends will feel a bit betrayed, but I'm sure they'll understand, even if I did want treatment I wouldn't rush into things like that.

Having lunch with my bestie in about an hour.  Probably just going to drink some water. I've been pretty sick, so I'll just use that as an excuse for not eating.

Stay strong, lovelies <3

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Finally getting over my plateau

Hey girlies!

So, I've lost two pounds in two days, so you know, that's awesome.  Also, I started working out again, which means that my metabolism is picking up again.  Finally.

I did two hours on the elliptical today, burned 1230 calories.  I probably should have stopped when I started seeing black spots in my vision, but I couldn't feel the burn so I just kept going.  I'm exhausted now, but really happy that I pushed through.  I'm unstoppable!!!!

It's only been a few days since my last post, so why does it feel like it's been weeks?  I'm about to go check up on you all, love you!!

Stay strong <3