Red Hair Was A Bad Choice

Hello beautifuls!

I'm sorry I haven't posted in such a long time, my life has been absolute chaos, with someone looking over my shoulder at every turn.  I haven't had a moment alone to just sit down and write to you guys in awhile.

I have had so much going on in my life, it's crazy.  First of all, I've been seeing a councillor AND a psychiatrist.  My councillor is nice, she's about 65 and kind of adorable in that old lady sort of way, but I don't feel like she's being effective at all.  But my school provides 10 free sessions, so I've been going once a week to keep my friends happy.  That's an hour every wednesday that I don't have to be studying, so I'm not complaining.  But I think my friends are disappointed that it's not being more effective.  I have still been cutting and last night I had a suicide scare, so.....

The psychiatrist has me on Lexapro.  So far it hasn't been at all helpful.  Are any of you guys on it?  Let me know, I'd love to hear your guys' experiences with it if you have any....

So yeah, basically "recovery" has been taking over my life.  This is because by "recovery" I mean putting on a front for my friends so that they think I'm okay so they'll leave me alone and I can continue to do what I want (cut and starve....it's that simple).  It turns out that, while I am a good actress and no one is suspecting me so far, this is completely exhausting as the web of lies gets more and more complex.  I feel awful for lying to my friends, even if it's only by omission, because I know that they love me and just want me to get better.

But I can't.  I need to be skinny like I need oxygen.  I see the cuts on my arms and legs and it is the only thing that truly calms me down.

I'm going to do a 3 day liquid fast, does anyone want to join me?  Lots of green tea, diet coke, and water. I might even drink some senna tea and do a real cleanse so that I'll have an accurate number at the end of everything....

On a completely random note, I dyed my hair again.  I made the mistake of 1) doing it myself and 2) dyeing it red.  It looks horrible, I'm going back to the pharmacy tomorrow to buy a box of dye in my natural color so I can just forget I ever committed this monstrosity to my hair.  My poor hair, first I chop off 10 inches, and then I go dye it a horrible color.....Bleh, sorry, ranting again.

I miss you all dearly, and I am going to try to post on a more regular basis now.  I have other things to tell you guys, but I think I'll save some of it for my next post so I don't bombard you all with my craziness.

Stay strong, darlings <3

Constantly Nauseous

My friends don't know what it feels like to be so sad that you want to die. That the thought of your continued existence makes you constantly sick to your stomach. I miss you, loves. I'll update when I have the chance.