ABC diet

Also known as the "Ana Boot Camp" diet.

I kind of do this already, but since I'm a great lover of structure and organization, it would be nice to have a planned schedule.  Have any of you guys tried it? I'm thinking I'll start on Monday, when my dad goes home after Parents' Weekend...

Thoughts?

Let's try something...

I weighed myself for the first time in a while last night, and promptly got up and grabbed my knife to cut. Realizing that mt roommate was in the room and cutting would be illogical, I crawled into my bed and silently cried myself to sleep.

Black coffee for breakfast this morning.

I'm going to try to do a liquid fast, maybe things will start melting off again...That number on my scale terrified me, I have to start doing something. I've gotten lazy.

I love you guys. Let me hear your voices <3

Almond Boy

Hello lovelies.

So this was the post that I meant to do about a week or two ago, but since I was still confused about the whole breaking up with E thing, I figured I should cool off a bit before posting this.

There's a boy.

I found a post on "Letters to Crushes" that completely summarizes my feelings:

So maybe I have this teeny tiny microscopic crush on you and I think about you all the time and my heart beats super fast when I see you and people can catch my attention just by saying your name.  Yup, that's right. Nothing serious.

My roommate and I call him Almond Boy, so that's what his name shall be on here.

We met at orientation.  I was sitting on the grass with my roommate, listening to one of the million speeches that we had to go to, and he just sat down next to me, leaned over, and offered me some almonds.  No introduction, just an adorable smile and a little gesture.  I turned towards him and whispered "No, thank you."  I quickly turned back around and introduced myself.  He smiled and told me his name.  He has sparkling hazel eyes, short brown hair, and a facial expression that seems to be somewhere between a smirk and a smile all the time.  We sat in companionable silence for the rest of the presentation.

Later, we had to go to a speech in the chapel, and we coincidentally sat next to each other.  Over the course of the next two hours, we whispered back and forth about everything and nothing, our shoulders occasionally brushing as we leaned in to say something.  At one point, the speaker told us that we needed to move to sit next to someone that we'd never met before.  At this point, he leaned over and said quietly, "I want to stay sitting with you..." I rolled my eyes at him, but made no move to get up as everyone around us shuffled to new seats.  We again went our separate ways, and I didn't see him much for the next day or so, except when we'd occasionally wave and smile to each other in passing.  Then when we ere lining up for convocation, he randomly showed up behind me in line and we started talking.  Unfortunately, due to the number of seats in each row, he couldn't sit next to me, which was "quite a shame" according to him.  I don't think I've ever been so hyper aware of someone else's presence before.  It's addicting, way more than I ever felt with E.  I didn't see him for a few days, and then one day I shoed up to dinner, and he was eating with the two friends I was joining.  Again, conversation ensued; but then he had to go.  But as he started walking away, he noticed my tattoo and came back to ask me about it, like what inspired it.  I told him it was a long story, and he smiled and said, "You can tell me about it later." Then he left.

Ran into him again about a week later, and he asked to have dinner with me.  I was already eating with my friends, so he joined us, and it was really nice.  Guys, I really like this guy.  I wasn't allowed to admit it when I first met him during orientation because I was technically still with E.  He was part of the reason I broke up with E...not because I thought I'd have a better shot with Almond Boy, but because I figured that if I could fall that hard for a guy after just a couple of conversations with him, I must not be as infatuated with E as I thought, and it wouldn't be fair to him to stay together when I was clearly falling for someone else....

Stupid boys.  I don't know what emotion is stronger; fear that when I finally see Almond Boy again, he wont really care; annoyance with myself (and him) that we didn't exchange numbers; pure attraction...I don't know, but I'm a jumble of crazy emotions right now.

I am losing weight noticeably now.  I was in ballet class, and my arms are starting to get that thin toned look again...I almost jumped for joy.

My friend A saw that I was posting on a blog, and now he's trying to find it....He was going to ask my sister what it was called, but she doesn't know that I still post on here (I told her awhile ago that I deleted it).  I pretty much had to steal his computer to keep him from sending her a Facebook message.  But I doubt he'll find it. I guess we'll see...

I had something else that I wanted to tell you guys, but I'm forgetting right now.

I love you all, thank you for listening to my mindless ramblings.  Especially when I go off about a boy like that.

Let me hear your voices, I really need a reminder more than ever that I'm not rambling into cyberspace.

Oh,wow,lovely.   (clipped to polyvore.com)

A little angel in Chemistry...

The TA for my chemistry lab is like me. She's ana. When I saw her, we just locked eyes and I gave her a sad smile.  We share a secret. She's tiny; barely over 5 feet tall, and her bones stick out of her figure, gently wrapped by thin layers of skin that barely conceal them.  I could see scars on the inside of her left arm, like mine. A ladder of delicate white lines. In our lab, we were weighing cookies, and I could see the steel determination in her eyes, reflecting my own, as the aroma of fresh chocolate chip cookies filled the small space.  We stayed strong, unknowingly helping each other along.

987 cals today. Not as low as I want (my daily goal has been 600 to 800 daily), but still under 1000.  I'm getting there again, I could see it in the mirror of my dance studio today.  I'm starting to look graceful again. I missed that.

I love you all.

Interesting

I was sitting at dinner with my friends last night (3 carrots and hummus, what WHAT), and we all noticed how one of our friends eats soooooo much food. I said that I had a calorie counter on my phone, so my friend decided to record how much this guy had eaten today. By the end of it, the guy with my phone wanted us to guess how many calories the other guy had eaten, and I guessed it exactly (it was 5320 calories. Holy shit.).  He accused me of looking at the number, but I didn't look.  I just know foods and their calories like nobody's business.  There was an odd sense of pride that I felt in being able to guess that number; if I know my food that well, I should be able to keep it under control.

This entry probably made no sense, but whatever...It made sense in my head.

Love you.

Out of control

2124 calories today. FML.

I. WANT. NOW.

I need to be skinny. Right now. I hate myself for being so fatfatfat, MAKE IT STOP. I'm constantly rubbing the scars on my arms as if somehow I could just rub away the fat and muscle and finally see the bones.  I need that.

Pulling out my hair.  Trying not to cry. No one here knows, I'm a master of deceit and putting on a happy facade.  But I'm exhausted, cracking slowly....

Well....hmm.

I broke up with E.

It was just getting to hard to make time for him given that we're both at different schools and trying to find our own new lives. I still care for him immensely, but we agreed that it'd be better if we just try to stay friends for now. He is too much of a reminder of what I moved to the other side of the country to get away from.  I just want a fresh palette.  I hope he understands that. He was upset (hell, so was I), but it was a very necessary thing to do. I think we both knew it was coming, given we didn't have the same history as some of our friends who are trying to stay together in college.

I'm finally making friends here, and it's starting to feel like home.  I've lost weight.  Not like 10 pounds or anything, but I'm getting there. I go to the gym every day, and on Mondays and Wednesdays I have my ballet class.  It's wonderful to be dancing again, I can't even begin to describe it.

I hope you are all doing well....there is some other stuff going on here that I'll fill you guys in on once I'm less confused about it in congruence with breaking up with E.  It pretty much has me in a complete emotional roller-coaster, so brace yourselves for my next post.

I love you all with my whole heart.  You little angels are my anchors.

Hello lovlies.

As you know, I am now at University, and it's....not what I expected. I'm thousands of miles from home and the culture shock is almost unbearable. I am slowly making friends, but I'm not a naturally outgoing person so it's tough. I miss E. I miss my sister.

But it is so easy to not eat here. No one knows about my problems here, so on that front it's a fresh start.

Love you guys <3

Goal

You know the Freshman 15 that girls supposedly gain in college? I'm going to lose it. Maybe I'll make it the Freshman 20 or 30.

That's all.