Contradictions

Okay, for the first time I am going to have a post that has nothing to do with my ED.  Absolutely nothing.

So I went to my Senior Farewell tonight, and E played in a lot of the sets.  He was...breathtaking.  I actually couldn't take my eyes off of him whenever he was on stage.  Fuck. And, dammit, I'm falling for him.  Hard.  And I can't afford to do that right now, not since after next Thursday I probably won't see him ever again.

This is so hard, guys.  I have so many emotions pent up right now that I feel like I'm going to explode.  I have tears streaming down my face because I'm sad and crazed and fucking bursting with about a million different emotions because I can never let anyone see how passionate I am about everything.  You know how there are people who have absolutely no filter between what they think and what they say?  I think mine's defective.....it's too thick.  I can't even respond to a simple question about school without frantically weighing my words and their effects on everyone around me, and how I'll look if I mess up.  That filter isn't letting me out, and whenever I manage to squeak past and put something out there, I have a backlash and I close in on myself again.

The way I'm phrasing this isn't exactly how I mean it; I'm not accusing some force outside of my control of not letting myself show.  I'm the one that's doing that, and I take full responsibility.  I'm just so scared.

Tonight, I had such conflicting emotions I swear I was about to rip apart.  I wanted to grab the front of E's shirt, pull him towards me, and never let go.  I've never wanted to do that so badly.  But that level of feeling scared me, so I wanted to push him and everything else as far away as possible, turn around, and run away.  Just keep running, and maybe I'll leave these crazed emotions and thoughts behind with E and the rest of my classmates.

Thanks for putting up with me, guys, I love you all so much.

Down, down, down I go

falling falling falling.......relapse.

Work in Progress.

Having troubles eating.  It's really scary to sit down and eat a "healthy" meal.  I'm really trying, I truly want to get better.  Right now I feel like I'm scaling the side of a cliff, my hands are barely holding the rocks with scrapes and cuts all over.  It would be so much easier to just push off the side and fall down......but I won't.  I can't.  I've come this far.  I can see the sharp rocks below growing ever distant, and I think I see a hint of a grassy top up above me.  I will not stop.  I can do this.  I can, I can, I can.  No one said it would be easy.......

Thank you for the beautiful comments a couple of you left.  I love you girls so much.

This post is more of a pep-talk for me than anything else, sorry 'bout that.

<3

I'm here...and I'm going to be alright.

At least, that's what I have to keep telling myself.

I know that I haven't posted in awhile.  I'm sorry about that.  Master Cleanse was a bust.

But that's not what I want to post about.  I would just like to tell you that I am actively seeking recovery.  I want to get away from this horrific monster that has controlled my life for years and years.  I am beautiful.  I am worth it.  I love my family, and I am re-learning to love myself.  Today, I had a raspberry smoothie and avocado toast for breakfast.  That was a little scary, so I only had an apple for lunch....but I'm working on it.  I'm talking to my parents and my sister, and they are being amazingly supportive, especially my mom.

For those of you who are still struggling, I just have this to say: I love you guys.  You understood me when I was going through my darkest of times, and for that all I can do is thank you.  I hope that one day you all can learn to love yourselves, and recognize how beautiful and amazing you are.  I stopped listening to that voice that kept telling me you can't and you're fat fat fat fat....and it has made all the difference.  I'm not saying that I'm miraculously better; I know that probably will never be true.  But I've finally discovered that I deserve to live the life that I want to live, and I don't want those shadows steering me around for the rest of my life.

I may not post again for awhile.  I'll occasionally check in, respond to comments or messages.  But I want to go live my life, as cliche as that sounds.  Just one small step at a time.

Much love <3