Hello lovlies!
Long time no post, I know. I've been trying to catch up in school recently. I had to give all of my attention to this Calculus exam because I failed the last one. If I failed this one, chances are that my acceptance to college would be rescinded. That would be bad. I need to get out of here, and college is my ticket out.
But, luckily I got an A on that test, so all is well for now...I've been staying pretty solidly in the 500 calorie range on a day to day basis. My lovely literature teacher is getting worried about me (she's the only one at school who knows about my eating disorder), but I've been kind of blowing her off, telling her that I'm fine. I hate lying to her; she knows that I haven't been eating. I just hope she doesn't tell my parents.
Right now I'm trying to convince my parents to let me go on a raw food diet. I'm pretty much doing that already, but if I make it official, it means that they can't give me a hard time for just eating some celery or carrots. I'll have the excuse: "I'm not allowed to eat that other stuff." They are hesitant to let me, but I think they're caving. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
Do you ever just feel like you hate your life? I've been feeling like that for the past few months. And it's not like the "I'm mad at everyone, life is awful, it needs to go die in a hole" kind of hate. I've just been so depressed that I have trouble getting up in the morning, or doing anything. I just feel so dejected and defeated all the time, and it's starting to take it's toll. My life has become monotonous. Sometimes as I'm falling asleep, I feel tears running down my cheeks onto my pillow without even realizing that I'm crying. I have nothing to look forward to anymore, except for that next goal weight on the scale. Even when I do "fun" or "relaxing" things with my sister, I am constantly thinking about how I don't deserve to have fun or relax, because I'm too fat/stupid/lazy/awful/ugly....I don't feel alive anymore.
I hope that you all are not tired of my pathetic ramblings. Nevertheless, I'm going to keep posting them. I have nowhere else to go.
"Tired of trying, sick of crying...yes I'm smiling, but inside I'm dying."
Stay strong <3
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Poppin' those little white pills...
I'm on my iPod so this will be short....I didn't eat anything today except for a side salad at dinner and those wonderful slimquick pills. I got in a fight with my mom at dinner because she said the salad wasn't enough food (little does she know...) but I don't care cuz I'm on a role!
Love you guys! Stay strong <3
Love you guys! Stay strong <3
Sunday, February 13, 2011
ballet...
I went to see the ballet again yesterday....it was exquisite. My sister is gorgeous, beaming and skinny and absolutely perfect. I love her so much :) I'm so proud of what she has accomplished these past two years in ballet, it's really quite something. The ballet was supposed to be sad at the end, but I didn't cry when everyone else did; I cried when my sister was dancing...happy tears. She's just so amazing.
Since I've pretty much boycotted all of the lame-ass guys at my high school, I've decided that I'm going to bring my sister and her ballet friend to prom with me, and just party. Have a girls' night :D I'm excited.
So, update on what happened last weekend....my teachers pretty much said "Why are you at school if you have a concussion?" so I stayed home for a few days last week. It was nice...I watch Pride and Prejudice twice (I'm such a hopeless romantic, I love that movie/book so much...) and I read three books. I have a 4 day weekend coming up, and my parents are going out of town for most of it :) yaaaaaaaaay! So it'll be just my sister and me, and we'll get to have some fun.
I hope you all are doing alright. I've been eating about 500-600 calories a day, running, and popping diet pills like candies...I haven't stepped on the scale though, not for about a week. I'm afraid that all of this work that I've been putting in wont show :(
Stay strong <3
Since I've pretty much boycotted all of the lame-ass guys at my high school, I've decided that I'm going to bring my sister and her ballet friend to prom with me, and just party. Have a girls' night :D I'm excited.
So, update on what happened last weekend....my teachers pretty much said "Why are you at school if you have a concussion?" so I stayed home for a few days last week. It was nice...I watch Pride and Prejudice twice (I'm such a hopeless romantic, I love that movie/book so much...) and I read three books. I have a 4 day weekend coming up, and my parents are going out of town for most of it :) yaaaaaaaaay! So it'll be just my sister and me, and we'll get to have some fun.
I hope you all are doing alright. I've been eating about 500-600 calories a day, running, and popping diet pills like candies...I haven't stepped on the scale though, not for about a week. I'm afraid that all of this work that I've been putting in wont show :(
Stay strong <3
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Well that sucked...
Hello beautifuls.
I've had an interesting day....
This morning, I decided to go to this workout class with my mom, because she said it's really hard. I didn't eat breakfast before hand because, well, I don't have to tell you guys....So anyways, I was working out in the class (which was freaking HARD), when I started to feel really light-headed. I stopped doing the exercise and tried to regain composure so I could continue, but the feeling wouldn't go away. The last thing I remembered was looking at my face in the studio mirror, and it was white as a sheet. Like seriously, I looked dead. Next thing I know, I'm opening my eyes, laying on the ground, shivering and not remembering where I am. I figured out where I was in a couple of seconds, but I've been really out of it for the rest of the day.
Since my mom was there, she took me to Urgent Care (they called the paramedics, but I told them that I didn't need it). Apparently, I passed out, smacked my head on the floor, and then had a mini-seizure. I was out for a good minute.
So yeah, that was my day. My head is pounding, and I shake every time I walk now. Lesson? Eat at least a little bit before exercising, even if it's just half an apple. This whole thing scared the shit out of me...I'm still on track, no worries, but I'm going to be careful to eat before working out from now on, I don't want to draw attention to the fact that I'm starving myself on a regular basis.
Love you all, and I hope your days were better than mine.
Stay strong <3
I've had an interesting day....
This morning, I decided to go to this workout class with my mom, because she said it's really hard. I didn't eat breakfast before hand because, well, I don't have to tell you guys....So anyways, I was working out in the class (which was freaking HARD), when I started to feel really light-headed. I stopped doing the exercise and tried to regain composure so I could continue, but the feeling wouldn't go away. The last thing I remembered was looking at my face in the studio mirror, and it was white as a sheet. Like seriously, I looked dead. Next thing I know, I'm opening my eyes, laying on the ground, shivering and not remembering where I am. I figured out where I was in a couple of seconds, but I've been really out of it for the rest of the day.
Since my mom was there, she took me to Urgent Care (they called the paramedics, but I told them that I didn't need it). Apparently, I passed out, smacked my head on the floor, and then had a mini-seizure. I was out for a good minute.
So yeah, that was my day. My head is pounding, and I shake every time I walk now. Lesson? Eat at least a little bit before exercising, even if it's just half an apple. This whole thing scared the shit out of me...I'm still on track, no worries, but I'm going to be careful to eat before working out from now on, I don't want to draw attention to the fact that I'm starving myself on a regular basis.
Love you all, and I hope your days were better than mine.
Stay strong <3
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
aaaaaaaand......CRASH!
I knew that the good days wouldn't last.
I had a slimquick drink mix for both breakfast and lunch, but I still had that headache. When I got home from school I gorged on seaweed snacks and dried apricots and artichokes and chips and a protein bar and raisins. I don't even like artichokes, and the protein bar tasted like shit. Why did I eat it all???? I feel sick. I'm out of laxatives and I have no money right now to get more...purging is really not an option for me. I wish I could cut open my stomach and just remove all of the food. I should just remove my stomach while I'm at it, then there would be nothing to give me these sick pains.
Sometimes I wish I could just slit open my skin and let the fat ooze out. Then I would zip myself back up and see my pure bones and empty skin. I would be free and clean....beautiful.
I wish.
Stay strong, beautifuls <3
I had a slimquick drink mix for both breakfast and lunch, but I still had that headache. When I got home from school I gorged on seaweed snacks and dried apricots and artichokes and chips and a protein bar and raisins. I don't even like artichokes, and the protein bar tasted like shit. Why did I eat it all???? I feel sick. I'm out of laxatives and I have no money right now to get more...purging is really not an option for me. I wish I could cut open my stomach and just remove all of the food. I should just remove my stomach while I'm at it, then there would be nothing to give me these sick pains.
Sometimes I wish I could just slit open my skin and let the fat ooze out. Then I would zip myself back up and see my pure bones and empty skin. I would be free and clean....beautiful.
I wish.
Stay strong, beautifuls <3
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