Just Thoughts

Do you ever feel like your life isn't real?

I have so much trouble looking at my life as anything other than some course of events that I have no control over. I can't feel anything deeply. What is wrong with me? A friend hugs me; I put my arms around them, but it's as if the swell of affection comes from some source that isn't me. A boy who I like (a lot) repeatedly tells me that he loves spending time with me, and he wants to see me in college. Why is it that, when he kisses me, there is no uprising of emotions? Or if there are, why does it feel like I'm observing those emotions from afar, rather than experiencing them? It's as if I'm watching my own life from behind a curtain, like I'm backstage at the performance of my existence. I have the access to the dramatically ironic emotions that the audience cannot see. I know what's going on onstage. But I can't reach out and join the show.

Just sharing what's on my mind. I spent past weekend with E at one of our friend's cabins. No parents. But he was super respectful; we didn't do anything except kiss and cuddle all weekend (which is good; I don't think I'd be able to handle a healthy physical relationship with my head in the state that it's in. TMI? Maybe. Sorry.)

I hope you all are doing splendidly. I lost 4 pounds last weekend. Happy about that (as happy as I am about anything these days...)

Take care, loves.