Saturday, April 28, 2012

Thoughts

I want to cut so badly tonight.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Angry and Confused

Hello lovelies.

I said yesterday that I would update today when I wasn't feeling like looking at a computer screen was like stabbing needles into my eyes, so here I am.

I'm home now, done with my first year of university.  I wish I wasn't home.  I wish I could fly back to the other side of the country, where nothing is real.  Going to university is like a pseudo-reality, a timeless place where everything is in its own little bubble.

Well, my bubble just got burst, that's for sure.  I got home about a week ago, to find the knives in the kitchen hidden.  My dad searched my bags for any sharps I could have brought home, confiscating a pair of scissors and my leatherman.  It's good to be home.....*sarcasm*

I started a "diet" on Sunday.  It's something my dad is doing, where he's cutting out all sugars and carbs for two weeks (that includes fruit), so I decided to join him.  It's just a more valid excuse to restrict.  For example, I did not have anyone home for breakfast or lunch, so I just drank water and diet coke.  For dinner, my dad took me out, where I ate a third of a chinese chicken salad (120) and had some more diet coke.  Plus I went for a 3 mile walk today (-320), so my net was actually negative today.  Small accomplishment.

On another note, I am kind of in an argument with P.  Mostly because he thinks I'm being unhealthy by going on a diet.  Little does he know....I shouldn't be mad at him, but he made a comment that made me irrationally angry.  It shouldn't have, but it did.  He basically lectured me about how to "properly lose weight".  Please.  I've seen 4 nutritionists, I was a nationally ranked athlete, and my parents are health nuts.  Plus, OH YEAH, I have an EDNOS.  Does he honestly think I don't know what the "healthy" way to lose weight is? Seriously?  Just because I'm choosing to do things in a manner that satisfy my deranged mental needs doesn't mean I'm ignorant.  It really pissed me off.  Mostly because, although he is wonderful, P can be so fucking condescending that I really can't handle it.  I hate condescension, it is really one of the worst traits I could possibly think of in someone. But P is so wonderful otherwise that I forgive him for this particular flaw.

I really hope P doesn't read this.  I know he knows the url for my blog, so.....I guess we'll see whether or not he has kept his promise to not look on here anymore.

xoxo

Monday, April 23, 2012

Thinspo At Its Finest

Guys, I found a tumblr completely devoted to thigh gap thinspo.  I can't even....I'm obsessed with this new tumblr.  Thigh gaps are my favorite form of thinspo.  Here's the link, if you all want to check it out....I can't stop scrolling down, it just goes on and on.

http://mind-the-thigh-gap.tumblr.com/

Update tomorrow when I'm less tired and migraine-y.  Love you girlies.

FATFATFATFATFATFAT


Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Side Note

Also, I forgot to mention that, without being able to cut, I burned the absolute shit out of my arm with my roommate's lighter.  So that's a thing......sooooo many blisters.  I finally have marks that show how disgusting I am.

Burning and Blisters

Like my alliteration in the title there? Too bad I'm not an English major, that won't get me jack shit in biology....

Anyways, update time.  I have eaten 2155 calories today.  All in one sitting. Which I then proceeded to purge within 30 seconds of taking the last bite.  I got everything up, but I think I'm still going to drink some senna later, or pop some laxatives....I'll have to go to the pharmacy to get those.  But that's okay, I need the exercise.

I sound all nonchalant about this, but I'm honestly in shock that I consumed that much food.  I haven't had that many calories in one sitting in....well, I can't even remember the last time it happened.  I'm not a binger usually, and I stay away from purging as much as possible.  Restricting is my game of choice.

Yesterday I had a full-on mental breakdown.  I was eating lunch with a couple of my friends, and at some point I was just overcome with rage at all of them.  I wanted to punch all of them, they were being so fucking infuriating.  So I got up and left.  As I was walking back to my dorm, this feeling of fire started to spread under my skin, and I had the strongest urge to cut or just beat the shit out of myself.  I needed to make that feeling go away.  Unfortunately, my sharps are being monitored, so I can't cut.  I resorted to punching and kicking a brick wall in the basement of my building.  I wanted to pull my hair out, scratch my face, cause some sort of harm.  I hate it, this mind, this body of mine.  It won't ever do what I want it to.

I texted P yesterday saying "I think I'm going fucking insane." He obviously freaked out, and by the time he found me, I lied and said that I had calmed down and was feeling fine.  I don't know why I always send these stupid texts when I'm in emotional turmoil.  I always text P when I've cut or something bad is happening in my head; it's like I relish the fact that he can't do anything about it.  It's horrible, I'm such a terrible person.  I love him so much, but he can't save me from myself.

I'm just going to liquid fast until I faint.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

AWOL

Hello beautiful girls,

I would just like to thank the lovely Rain for getting me back on here, I was lost and wandering a bit without you guys.  So, update on what's been happening....I had to go back and read my last few posts so that I knew what I have and have not told you guys.  Brace yourselves for a long post with possibly a few mindless rants....

Okay, so first of all, I should tell you about this friend of mine.  I have referred to him once or twice, he's the one that I consider like my brother.  For the sake of this blog, lets call him P.  So, P and I have been friends since the beginning of the year (he is one of my university friends), but we only started getting really close about 4 months ago when he started helping me clean up my cuts and I basically dumped my entire fucking life story onto his lap.  I feel bad, sometimes, I feel like I dragged him into this by telling him everything, and now since he's such a good guy, he doesn't feel like he can abandon me right now.

So, we have been getting closer.  Like really close.  First, you should know that he has a girlfriend.  Second, you should know that I'm still desperately crushing on W (who I'm still good friends with, and who is also still taken), which P knows about.  These two things have made it so that we have emotional barriers that keep us from looking at each other as anything but friends.  But in some ways that makes our relationship more dangerous.  It's almost like, since we know that anything we do will not have romantic implications, there is a lack of boundaries between us.  Sometimes on the weekends, he will just fall asleep in bed with me.  Other times, like last night, we'll just spend hours hugging each other and just staring at each other, playing with each other's hair and whatnot.  We also spend pretty much any time that we don't have class together.  Breakfast, lunch, dinner, studying, chilling.  All. The. Time.

From what I've just described, to the outside observer it could be seen that we are sort of a thing.  I have had several people come up to me at parties and ask me if we are together, because we'll just chill with his arm around me and my head on his shoulder.  Even my friends have started to be a little bit weirded out, I think.  They don't say anything to me directly, but I feel like I'm always getting looks from them and I always have to assure them that I don't have any romantic feelings for him.  He's not my type, he's just my rock right now.  I love him to death, he truly is the bestest friend ever.

So, now that you have all of the background, here is what I actually was going to talk about.  So, last weekend, P's girlfriend came and visited.  I like her a lot, I had never officially met her, but I had talked to her online a couple of times, and video chatted with her over P's shoulder occasionally.  While she was here, I had a really close family friend die (which I'm not going to talk about because it was just too fucking hard I don't want to deal with it right now), and I basically had an emotional breakdown.  I could have just gotten a hug from anyone, I was crying so hard that I couldn't really register anything, but P just happened to be the one in the room when that happened.  So he was comforting me, and finally I decided to go to bed and he left.  So I turned off my light to sleep, and he came back in and sat on my bed, just sort of stroking my hair to get me to calm down.  Our friends came in and checked on us, because his girlfriend was wondering where the hell he was, and they saw the lights off and expected the worst.  His girlfriend was not happy, and I'm kind of afraid that I blew it with her. I really wanted her to like me, because he is such a big part of my life, but I think things will always be strained between us, and that makes me sad.

Wow, I'm so sorry about how long that was.  But now you all know about P, so for future reference when I talk about him....haha

About my weight.  Last weekend, I was the lowest weight I have been since before Christmas, which makes me......I don't want to say happy, because I will never be happy with my weight.  But it makes me feel motivated to keep going.  Also, W has been trying to coax me into joining the track team, so I have started training and running everyday so that when I actually do go and talk to the track coach, he won't think it's just a joke.

The liquid fast I talked about the last time I posted I think is what finally pushed me to lose a few more pounds.  I'm thinking of doing another one this week, anyone want to join?

Love you all so much, and I'm seriously going to start posting more.  If I had long drawn out posts like this every time, I'm pretty sure I would lose all of my followers.