Contradictions

Okay, for the first time I am going to have a post that has nothing to do with my ED.  Absolutely nothing.

So I went to my Senior Farewell tonight, and E played in a lot of the sets.  He was...breathtaking.  I actually couldn't take my eyes off of him whenever he was on stage.  Fuck. And, dammit, I'm falling for him.  Hard.  And I can't afford to do that right now, not since after next Thursday I probably won't see him ever again.

This is so hard, guys.  I have so many emotions pent up right now that I feel like I'm going to explode.  I have tears streaming down my face because I'm sad and crazed and fucking bursting with about a million different emotions because I can never let anyone see how passionate I am about everything.  You know how there are people who have absolutely no filter between what they think and what they say?  I think mine's defective.....it's too thick.  I can't even respond to a simple question about school without frantically weighing my words and their effects on everyone around me, and how I'll look if I mess up.  That filter isn't letting me out, and whenever I manage to squeak past and put something out there, I have a backlash and I close in on myself again.

The way I'm phrasing this isn't exactly how I mean it; I'm not accusing some force outside of my control of not letting myself show.  I'm the one that's doing that, and I take full responsibility.  I'm just so scared.

Tonight, I had such conflicting emotions I swear I was about to rip apart.  I wanted to grab the front of E's shirt, pull him towards me, and never let go.  I've never wanted to do that so badly.  But that level of feeling scared me, so I wanted to push him and everything else as far away as possible, turn around, and run away.  Just keep running, and maybe I'll leave these crazed emotions and thoughts behind with E and the rest of my classmates.

Thanks for putting up with me, guys, I love you all so much.