Bad News and Thank Yous

First, I just want to say thank you for all of those comments.  After a few months of getting now feedback, hearing all of the little supportive tidbits from you guys helped immensely.  I love you all so much <3

On a less-happy note, I am not going to Russia.  Well, not this year, anyways.  I had a few things in my family go down, one of them being that my family car completely died, so we need to buy a new one.  This and a couple of other things made it so that going would be financially impossible, especially since the school I'm going to next year is $53,000 a year (HOLY SH*T I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I'M GOING TO PAY FOR COLLEGE!!!!!).  The good thing is that I will go to Russia eventually, whether it be when I go to Europe next year to visit my mom or when I go there to do study abroad in the AMAZING russian studies program at Bates (thats the college I got into...).

Today, I started off well with a 1/4 cup of kashi cereal, which was about 70 calories.  However, my mom ordered pizza for lunch for all of the people that are staying with me at my house, so in order to not draw attention from my parents or my parents' friends, I had half of a piece.  I sat there while everyone ate their 3 and 4 pieces of pizza, while daintily nibbling on my piece.  I made it last for awhile, so it looked like I was eating constantly, which is always a good thing.  My mom didn't even notice that I hardly ate anything (well, in her book I hardly ate anything.  In my book, every bite of that pizza was a struggle....I felt like I was shoving unwanted calories in my mouth).  I made up for the pizza later by just drinking water for the rest of the day.  I don't know how many calories that half a piece was, but I know that my caloric intake for the day was less than 200, which is always good.  I just finished doing 5 sets of 100 crunches, and now I'm getting ready for bed.  I hope tomorrow goes as well as today (hopefully there won't be any pizza either).

Ughhhhhhh so it's time for me to vent a little bit to you guys.  I hope you don't mind.  If you do, just skip this next little paragraph.  So, anyways, tomorrow is New Years Eve.  And guess what??? I am going to be home, by myself, like an idiot.  My sister is with friends, skiing, and my parents are going to our property, just the two of them.  I'm not that upset that my parents are leaving because, I mean, I didn't really want to spend New Years with them.  However, none of my friends are having/going to parties because all of their college applications are due at midnight on January 1st.  Since I already have been accepted, I am not in this predicament, and therefore, I have no one to hang out with.  This is going to suck.

Alright, I'm done feeling sorry for myself.  I'll just look at the bright side: with no one here, I can get away with not eating, no questions asked :)

Love you all!!!!

Starve on, beautifuls.  Stay strong <3

Hello?

Is anyone there anymore?

I'm so scared

I'm afraid that I am losing my mind.

In other news, I am trying to earn money for a trip to Russia this summer.  I'll get away from everyone that I know.  And then next year I'll be living on the other side of the country, at university.  Oh, that's right, I haven't told you.  I got in to my top choice school, so I'm leaving the sunny beaches and crazy life in California and leaving for Maine.  I wish I could leave forever.  I need to see new people, make new friends, reconstruct my life.  Maine and Russia are two steps in the right direction.

I hope you are all doing well.  I haven't eaten hardly anything in the last few days.  Actually, I don't remember the last time that I did eat.  That's amazing.  I'm gunna go drink my tea now.

Let me hear your voices.  I have missed them so.

Stay strong, lovelies <3

whispers

I have a migrane right now.  I took my meds and they are not helping.  Went to school, stayed for an hour, came home and slept.  I feel grossanduglyandstupid.

Considered cutting this morning. bad bad bad bad bad thoughts.  I was slicing bread for my mom's breakfast (she was running late and asked for a favor), and the knife just slipped and barely grazed past my wrist.  No cut, but my stomach clenched as the blade whispered past and clattered to the ground.  scary scary scary.  Still wanting to do it.  Still sitting here thinking I should.  And what would happen if I just accidentally went too deep? Who knows....

I don't want to die.  But I am not afraid to.  And that scares me.

Stay strong, lovies. <3