Skinny, Late' s post today reminded me of one of the toughest things about being depressed and having an eating disorder. I was just thinking about this earlier, when I was sitting in my dorm. When I have a tough time, all of the people that know about my "situation" say that I should come talk to them, but how do I do that? How can I say, "Hey, can I talk to you about the fact that when I walk, the rubbing of my thighs against each other drives me to want to sprint back to my dorm room and cut my arm into ribbons? Or about the fact that sometimes I fantasize about just slipping off of the roof of my science building, by "accident" just so that I don't have to deal with this fucked up world anymore? Can I just sit and tell you about how high I feel when all I have consumed in 3 days is black coffee?" You can't do that. Those conversations just don't happen. People just say "I think you need to talk to someone about this..." (idiot, what do you think I was doing talking to you?), or they just don't even know what to say. They pat you on the arm (not the one covered in scars and cuts) and lie, saying that you're beautiful and everything is going to be alright. I have been having people tell me that everything was going to be alright for seven straight years now, and I don't see that panning out.
I can talk to my sister about everything, but I can't call her and tell her "Sometimes when I'm alone in my room, I just cry because I'm so sad all the time and I can't control it." She would freak out.
I can't tell J that when I got over one hundred percent on my midterm, I was more proud of the fact that my intake for that day had been under 500 calories.
I can't just waltz down the hallway to W's room and ask for a much needed hug, because that always leads to the questions of "why" that I can't handle.
Sometimes I just feel so fucking lonely. Hell, not sometimes. Almost all the time. I've been getting reminded so often recently of how much you little loves mean to me, in this little network of blogs. It is the one place where I can express how hopeless I feel and all I get is support, no judgement.
I sometimes don't know how much longer I'll last, I'm slowly driving myself insane.
Love you all <3
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
This brought me to tears. Lovely girl I am one of those who wants to help but isn't quite sure what to do. Please if nothing else know that we love you and want to be able to help you. And in that alone there is hope.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your beautiful honesty here - and always. You are lovely and beautiful and I know you think those are lies, but I pray that one day you'll see they're not. And there are many people who know they are true of you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJ1DHhobVVg&ob=av2e
Oh, and if I were there, I would hug you whenever you like without demanding an explanation.
Lots of love beautiful x x
No one knows what to do or say if they haven't experienced it themselves :( That's why all of us do feel so alone, because no one understands, or just thinks we are crazy and mad...It's so hard not to feel allone, thats why this blog helps, because somewhere in the world people do understand :( I get the feeling sometimes too of how much longer i'm going to last, stay strong you! xx
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like I could have written it.
ReplyDeleteYesterday I had a major meltdown because I felt so lonely and I felt like no one really cared about me. I think about something "accidentally" happening to me all the time. To be honest the only reason from keeping me from suicide is my mom and my blog. You are a lovely person, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.