Hello there.
I can't say much at the moment, but I just wanted to say hello again to you lovelies :) I had to temporarily delete my blog (for reasons I will explain later), but I wanted to let you know that I am back up and writing again. I'm happy to be back.
Let me hear your voices.
Stay strong <3
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
HOLY SHIT
Okay, bad bad bad bad thing happened yesterday. I was checking my email, and I had gotten an email about a post that my friend had put on my tumblr account. I was confused because I NEVER post on that account, so I was wondering what she could possibly have to say about a post...well, here's what she said.
"I stumbled upon your tumblr and saw your heartbreaking post :'( I don’t mean to intrude but I could completely identify with ur feeling that – nobody else understands what youre going through. Though, please don't EVER lose hope, things will change for the better (and soon) as long as you stay positive. If you need someone to talk to I’m here for ya."
SHE HAS BEEN ABLE TO READ THIS BLOG. I don't know how it happened, but somehow my Fading Whispers posts were being posted on my tumblr as well, and she was able to read all of them. I'm not sure if she did, so I gave her a super spastic reply in the hope that she hadn't, but I am so shaken up. And the first thing I thought was I need to tell someone about this...Until I remembered that I couldn't. I can't tell my sister because she would flip. I can't tell my friends because they already suspect that I am Loco with a capital "L". I obviously can't tell my parents because they would probably throw me in a hospital. I have NO ONE TO TALK TO. I mean, posting on here helps (so much, I can't even say how much), but I can never utter aloud what I tell you guys. The realization of that hit me like a battering ram yesterday after the whole tumblr debacle. I feel so lonely.
So. Lonely.
I love my friend to death. Her comment warmed my heart because it is clear that she does care about me. The fact that she posted that comment after I haven't seen her or really talked to her for over a year is so sweet. But I don't know if our friendship could handle something this big. I'm so afraid.
I'm grasping in the dark for someone's hand, but there is no one there.
Help.....
Stay strong <3
"I stumbled upon your tumblr and saw your heartbreaking post :'( I don’t mean to intrude but I could completely identify with ur feeling that – nobody else understands what youre going through. Though, please don't EVER lose hope, things will change for the better (and soon) as long as you stay positive. If you need someone to talk to I’m here for ya."
SHE HAS BEEN ABLE TO READ THIS BLOG. I don't know how it happened, but somehow my Fading Whispers posts were being posted on my tumblr as well, and she was able to read all of them. I'm not sure if she did, so I gave her a super spastic reply in the hope that she hadn't, but I am so shaken up. And the first thing I thought was I need to tell someone about this...Until I remembered that I couldn't. I can't tell my sister because she would flip. I can't tell my friends because they already suspect that I am Loco with a capital "L". I obviously can't tell my parents because they would probably throw me in a hospital. I have NO ONE TO TALK TO. I mean, posting on here helps (so much, I can't even say how much), but I can never utter aloud what I tell you guys. The realization of that hit me like a battering ram yesterday after the whole tumblr debacle. I feel so lonely.
So. Lonely.
I love my friend to death. Her comment warmed my heart because it is clear that she does care about me. The fact that she posted that comment after I haven't seen her or really talked to her for over a year is so sweet. But I don't know if our friendship could handle something this big. I'm so afraid.
I'm grasping in the dark for someone's hand, but there is no one there.
Help.....
Stay strong <3
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Sorry guys....
Hello...
I know I've already posted today, but I have a lot on my mind. I don't really have anyone else that I can vent to. I'm sorry if my ramblings are annoying.
So, first of all, I cannot wait until I leave for university next year. The freedom from family meals will save me so much. Right now everyone is trying to feed me, and I hate the guilt that runs through me when I say "no, I'm not eating that." It's tearing me up inside...Once I'm on the other side of the country, they can't monitor my every move, and the people I meet won't know about my eating habits. I'll just be that ethereally beautiful thin girl with the wide eyes and delicate features. I'll be able to get away with eating less because, let's face it, there is SO MUCH MORE going on a campus than there is in this dead little town I live in. I wont have time to eat. I'll be reading, studying, going to the gym, hanging out with friends, going to classes, spending time with a new boyfriend...the possibilities are endless. Eating will not fit into my college lifestyle. I'll make sure of it.
Alright, the other thing that I want to talk about is my annoyance with my parents. I really want to do this Master Cleanse thing (once I'm done with my fast), but they wont let me. For those of you who don't know about the master cleanse, here is a little summary: You don't consume anything except for this "lemonade", which consists of lemon juice, water, grade B maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. You drink a lot of water, consume a bunch of laxatives, and do this salt water flush every night. The cleanse lasts for about two weeks, for a normal person. I want to try doing it for a month, maybe longer. I obviously didn't tell my parents how long I wanted to do it, just that I wanted to. They flew off the handle and were like "why do you need to do this? Are you trying to lose weight?" "YES!!!" I want to shout at them. All of the fat inside me is holding me back from being everything that I want to be. But I can't tell them that.
So back to the cleanse. My parents don't want me to do it, AT ALL, even though both of them used to do it on a regular basis, and my sister has been allowed to do it a million times (even though she always gives up after day 1. She gets too hungry). I mean, I kind of understand why they don't want me to do it, with my track record and all, they don't want me "falling into my old habits." Uhhhhh too late. So I'm trying to explain to them that it isn't a method for weight loss (although it really sheds pounds like it's nobody's business), its just a challenge that I need in my life right now. I really hope that I can convince them.
I just re-read those two paragraphs, and they're a little spastic. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say, because right now I'm just too tired and defeated to go back and edit it.
S never called today to confirm us hanging out tonight. But why should he even care about me? Why does anyone care? I'm not special. I'm just a trembling, lost girl, with no sense of herself. Who would find that attractive? I am a black hole, sucking all emotion and joy from the atmosphere around me.
I've been exhausted for the past few days. And not just in the "duh, you aren't eating, of course your exhausted" sort of way. Like mentally, I have no drive to keep going. With anything. With life. My thoughts of suicide keep haunting my dreams, turning them to nightmares, and I can't make them stop. I'm freaking out. A beautiful little voice keeps saying "Just let go, no one will notice if you leave..." It's so tempting. Why is it so tempting? I have a family and friends that love me...why do I want to leave? Because when you're gone, you are truly free from this turmoil... she whispers.
I wish someone could save me from myself.
Just let go......let go.........
I think I'll go mad.
Let me hear your voices. Stay strong <3
I know I've already posted today, but I have a lot on my mind. I don't really have anyone else that I can vent to. I'm sorry if my ramblings are annoying.
So, first of all, I cannot wait until I leave for university next year. The freedom from family meals will save me so much. Right now everyone is trying to feed me, and I hate the guilt that runs through me when I say "no, I'm not eating that." It's tearing me up inside...Once I'm on the other side of the country, they can't monitor my every move, and the people I meet won't know about my eating habits. I'll just be that ethereally beautiful thin girl with the wide eyes and delicate features. I'll be able to get away with eating less because, let's face it, there is SO MUCH MORE going on a campus than there is in this dead little town I live in. I wont have time to eat. I'll be reading, studying, going to the gym, hanging out with friends, going to classes, spending time with a new boyfriend...the possibilities are endless. Eating will not fit into my college lifestyle. I'll make sure of it.
Alright, the other thing that I want to talk about is my annoyance with my parents. I really want to do this Master Cleanse thing (once I'm done with my fast), but they wont let me. For those of you who don't know about the master cleanse, here is a little summary: You don't consume anything except for this "lemonade", which consists of lemon juice, water, grade B maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. You drink a lot of water, consume a bunch of laxatives, and do this salt water flush every night. The cleanse lasts for about two weeks, for a normal person. I want to try doing it for a month, maybe longer. I obviously didn't tell my parents how long I wanted to do it, just that I wanted to. They flew off the handle and were like "why do you need to do this? Are you trying to lose weight?" "YES!!!" I want to shout at them. All of the fat inside me is holding me back from being everything that I want to be. But I can't tell them that.
So back to the cleanse. My parents don't want me to do it, AT ALL, even though both of them used to do it on a regular basis, and my sister has been allowed to do it a million times (even though she always gives up after day 1. She gets too hungry). I mean, I kind of understand why they don't want me to do it, with my track record and all, they don't want me "falling into my old habits." Uhhhhh too late. So I'm trying to explain to them that it isn't a method for weight loss (although it really sheds pounds like it's nobody's business), its just a challenge that I need in my life right now. I really hope that I can convince them.
I just re-read those two paragraphs, and they're a little spastic. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say, because right now I'm just too tired and defeated to go back and edit it.
S never called today to confirm us hanging out tonight. But why should he even care about me? Why does anyone care? I'm not special. I'm just a trembling, lost girl, with no sense of herself. Who would find that attractive? I am a black hole, sucking all emotion and joy from the atmosphere around me.
I've been exhausted for the past few days. And not just in the "duh, you aren't eating, of course your exhausted" sort of way. Like mentally, I have no drive to keep going. With anything. With life. My thoughts of suicide keep haunting my dreams, turning them to nightmares, and I can't make them stop. I'm freaking out. A beautiful little voice keeps saying "Just let go, no one will notice if you leave..." It's so tempting. Why is it so tempting? I have a family and friends that love me...why do I want to leave? Because when you're gone, you are truly free from this turmoil... she whispers.
I wish someone could save me from myself.
Just let go......let go.........
I think I'll go mad.
Let me hear your voices. Stay strong <3
Control+Alt+Delete
Do not think of today's failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourself a difficult task, but you will succeed if you preservere and you will find a joy in overcomming obstacles.
I'm starting my fast over..I failed miserably. Don't really want to talk about it. So.......TAKE TWO!
Stay strong, little angels <3
I'm starting my fast over..I failed miserably. Don't really want to talk about it. So.......TAKE TWO!
Stay strong, little angels <3
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