Bad News and Thank Yous

First, I just want to say thank you for all of those comments.  After a few months of getting now feedback, hearing all of the little supportive tidbits from you guys helped immensely.  I love you all so much <3

On a less-happy note, I am not going to Russia.  Well, not this year, anyways.  I had a few things in my family go down, one of them being that my family car completely died, so we need to buy a new one.  This and a couple of other things made it so that going would be financially impossible, especially since the school I'm going to next year is $53,000 a year (HOLY SH*T I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I'M GOING TO PAY FOR COLLEGE!!!!!).  The good thing is that I will go to Russia eventually, whether it be when I go to Europe next year to visit my mom or when I go there to do study abroad in the AMAZING russian studies program at Bates (thats the college I got into...).

Today, I started off well with a 1/4 cup of kashi cereal, which was about 70 calories.  However, my mom ordered pizza for lunch for all of the people that are staying with me at my house, so in order to not draw attention from my parents or my parents' friends, I had half of a piece.  I sat there while everyone ate their 3 and 4 pieces of pizza, while daintily nibbling on my piece.  I made it last for awhile, so it looked like I was eating constantly, which is always a good thing.  My mom didn't even notice that I hardly ate anything (well, in her book I hardly ate anything.  In my book, every bite of that pizza was a struggle....I felt like I was shoving unwanted calories in my mouth).  I made up for the pizza later by just drinking water for the rest of the day.  I don't know how many calories that half a piece was, but I know that my caloric intake for the day was less than 200, which is always good.  I just finished doing 5 sets of 100 crunches, and now I'm getting ready for bed.  I hope tomorrow goes as well as today (hopefully there won't be any pizza either).

Ughhhhhhh so it's time for me to vent a little bit to you guys.  I hope you don't mind.  If you do, just skip this next little paragraph.  So, anyways, tomorrow is New Years Eve.  And guess what??? I am going to be home, by myself, like an idiot.  My sister is with friends, skiing, and my parents are going to our property, just the two of them.  I'm not that upset that my parents are leaving because, I mean, I didn't really want to spend New Years with them.  However, none of my friends are having/going to parties because all of their college applications are due at midnight on January 1st.  Since I already have been accepted, I am not in this predicament, and therefore, I have no one to hang out with.  This is going to suck.

Alright, I'm done feeling sorry for myself.  I'll just look at the bright side: with no one here, I can get away with not eating, no questions asked :)

Love you all!!!!

Starve on, beautifuls.  Stay strong <3

Hello?

Is anyone there anymore?

I'm so scared

I'm afraid that I am losing my mind.

In other news, I am trying to earn money for a trip to Russia this summer.  I'll get away from everyone that I know.  And then next year I'll be living on the other side of the country, at university.  Oh, that's right, I haven't told you.  I got in to my top choice school, so I'm leaving the sunny beaches and crazy life in California and leaving for Maine.  I wish I could leave forever.  I need to see new people, make new friends, reconstruct my life.  Maine and Russia are two steps in the right direction.

I hope you are all doing well.  I haven't eaten hardly anything in the last few days.  Actually, I don't remember the last time that I did eat.  That's amazing.  I'm gunna go drink my tea now.

Let me hear your voices.  I have missed them so.

Stay strong, lovelies <3

whispers

I have a migrane right now.  I took my meds and they are not helping.  Went to school, stayed for an hour, came home and slept.  I feel grossanduglyandstupid.

Considered cutting this morning. bad bad bad bad bad thoughts.  I was slicing bread for my mom's breakfast (she was running late and asked for a favor), and the knife just slipped and barely grazed past my wrist.  No cut, but my stomach clenched as the blade whispered past and clattered to the ground.  scary scary scary.  Still wanting to do it.  Still sitting here thinking I should.  And what would happen if I just accidentally went too deep? Who knows....

I don't want to die.  But I am not afraid to.  And that scares me.

Stay strong, lovies. <3

BAD NAUGHTY BADNESS

I screwed up today. Big time. And last night too.  Guess whose mom decided that an impromptu, early Thanksgiving dinner would be cool? You guessed it.  So last night I had turkeyandgravyandstuffingandpotatoesandpumpkinandcranberries.  It was bad.  Then I had the same thing for lunch today. OH and to top it all off, I had breakfast at Starbucks.  Can you say biggest idiot ever? Turns out two doughnuts isn't really part of a nutritious breakfast.  Neither is that grande chai latte.....stupidstupidstupid.

I wish I could just say "hahaha, just kidding!!!" but I can't, and I won't.  You all deserve the truth of my crazy ups and downs, because I know that we all have these days.  Yours may or may not be as bad as mine was today, but this struggle is a bond that we share every day.  I love you guys, and I missed you so much!  I'm glad I'm back :)

After a day like today, I'm sticking to my SlimQuick drink mixes tomorrow....no solid food. aaaaaaaand.......GO!

Hopefully this entry wasn't too spastic.

Love you all.  Stay strong, my darlings <3

It has been awhile

Hello lovely ones.

I must say that I do not know how long I am going to be able to post here before I have to delete my blog again.  My sister found the blog, and in her hope to make me better (for which she is an angel), she deleted it.  I have changed some of the settings in the hope that I can stay posting for as long as possible.  If I do disappear again, however, I invite you all to send me emails at analove202@yahoo.com

I have been rather lose in my eating, I must tell you.  Without your support, it has been hard to find my way.  But no matter, I have found my way back to strong footing, and I am shedding pounds again.  It is a wonderful feeling.

I will also have you know that I have a little....thing for this guys at my school.  We'll call him D, because although his name starts with an S, I don't want him to be confused with the other S that I mentioned.  Let's just say that this boy is beautiful; deep voice, strong body, perfect manners, dark eyes....he is pretty much amazing.

I will give more of an update when I can.  After being away for so long, it's the least I can do.

Let me hear your voices.

Stay strong, beautiful girlies <3

I'm back :)

Hello there.
I can't say much at the moment, but I just wanted to say hello again to you lovelies :)  I had to temporarily delete my blog (for reasons I will explain later), but I wanted to let you know that I am back up and writing again.  I'm happy to be back.

Let me hear your voices.

Stay strong <3

HOLY SHIT

Okay, bad bad bad bad thing happened yesterday.  I was checking my email, and I had gotten an email about a post that my friend had put on my tumblr account.  I was confused because I NEVER post on that account, so I was wondering what she could possibly have to say about a post...well, here's what she said.


"I stumbled upon your tumblr and saw your heartbreaking post :'( I don’t mean to intrude but I could completely identify with ur  feeling that – nobody else understands what youre going through. Though, please don't EVER lose hope, things will change for the better (and soon) as long as you stay positive. If you need someone to talk to I’m here for ya."

SHE HAS BEEN ABLE TO READ THIS BLOG.  I don't know how it happened, but somehow my Fading Whispers posts were being posted on my tumblr as well, and she was able to read all of them.  I'm not sure if she did, so I gave her a super spastic reply in the hope that she hadn't, but I am so shaken up.  And the first thing I thought was I need to tell someone about this...Until I remembered that I couldn't.  I can't tell my sister because she would flip.  I can't tell my friends because they already suspect that I am Loco with a capital "L".  I obviously can't tell my parents because they would probably throw me in a hospital.  I have NO ONE TO TALK TO.  I mean, posting on here helps (so much, I can't even say how much), but I can never utter aloud what I tell you guys.  The realization of that hit me like a battering ram yesterday after the whole tumblr debacle.  I feel so lonely. 

So. Lonely. 

I love my friend to death.  Her comment warmed my heart because it is clear that she does care about me.  The fact that she posted that comment after I haven't seen her or really talked to her for over a year is so sweet.  But I don't know if our friendship could handle something this big.  I'm so afraid.

I'm grasping in the dark for someone's hand, but there is no one there.

Help.....

Stay strong <3

Sorry guys....

Hello...
I know I've already posted today, but I have a lot on my mind. I don't really have anyone else that I can vent to. I'm sorry if my ramblings are annoying.

So, first of all, I cannot wait until I leave for university next year. The freedom from family meals will save me so much. Right now everyone is trying to feed me, and I hate the guilt that runs through me when I say "no, I'm not eating that." It's tearing me up inside...Once I'm on the other side of the country, they can't monitor my every move, and the people I meet won't know about my eating habits. I'll just be that ethereally beautiful thin girl with the wide eyes and delicate features. I'll be able to get away with eating less because, let's face it, there is SO MUCH MORE going on a campus than there is in this dead little town I live in. I wont have time to eat. I'll be reading, studying, going to the gym, hanging out with friends, going to classes, spending time with a new boyfriend...the possibilities are endless. Eating will not fit into my college lifestyle. I'll make sure of it.

Alright, the other thing that I want to talk about is my annoyance with my parents. I really want to do this Master Cleanse thing (once I'm done with my fast), but they wont let me. For those of you who don't know about the master cleanse, here is a little summary: You don't consume anything except for this "lemonade", which consists of lemon juice, water, grade B maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. You drink a lot of water, consume a bunch of laxatives, and do this salt water flush every night. The cleanse lasts for about two weeks, for a normal person. I want to try doing it for a month, maybe longer. I obviously didn't tell my parents how long I wanted to do it, just that I wanted to. They flew off the handle and were like "why do you need to do this? Are you trying to lose weight?" "YES!!!" I want to shout at them.  All of the fat inside me is holding me back from being everything that I want to be.  But I can't tell them that.

So back to the cleanse. My parents don't want me to do it, AT ALL, even though both of them used to do it on a regular basis, and my sister has been allowed to do it a million times (even though she always gives up after day 1. She gets too hungry). I mean, I kind of understand why they don't want me to do it, with my track record and all, they don't want me "falling into my old habits." Uhhhhh too late. So I'm trying to explain to them that it isn't a method for weight loss (although it really sheds pounds like it's nobody's business), its just a challenge that I need in my life right now. I really hope that I can convince them.

I just re-read those two paragraphs, and they're a little spastic. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say, because right now I'm just too tired and defeated to go back and edit it.

S never called today to confirm us hanging out tonight. But why should he even care about me? Why does anyone care? I'm not special. I'm just a trembling, lost girl, with no sense of herself. Who would find that attractive? I am a black hole, sucking all emotion and joy from the atmosphere around me.

I've been exhausted for the past few days. And not just in the "duh, you aren't eating, of course your exhausted" sort of way. Like mentally, I have no drive to keep going. With anything. With life. My thoughts of suicide keep haunting my dreams, turning them to nightmares, and I can't make them stop. I'm freaking out. A beautiful little voice keeps saying "Just let go, no one will notice if you leave..." It's so tempting. Why is it so tempting? I have a family and friends that love me...why do I want to leave? Because when you're gone, you are truly free from this turmoil... she whispers.

I wish someone could save me from myself.

Just let go......let go.........

I think I'll go mad.

Let me hear your voices. Stay strong <3

Control+Alt+Delete

Do not think of today's failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourself a difficult task, but you will succeed if you preservere and you will find a joy in overcomming obstacles.

I'm starting my fast over..I failed miserably. Don't really want to talk about it. So.......TAKE TWO!

Stay strong, little angels <3

I'm a GEEK

So, I had a quote-off for King Lear in my English class today...I would just like to say that my friend K and I won! Yesssss....

But, since we were having a competition, of course someone brought food. Now, I had gotten out of breakfast with my mother by saying I was going to eat at school, and I got out of lunch with my friends by saying I needed to talk to my English teacher, but I was trapped in the room for the whole class. So I ate. I ate two muffins. TWO FUCKING MUFFINS. Two of them. WTF??? Where did the control that I was maintaining all this week go? Needless to say, I am NOT going to eat anything else today. I'll drink some detox tea to get it all out of my system, but there with be no breakfast tomorrow. Or lunch. Or dinner. That's right, ladies, I'm planning a fast! I want to see how long I can go on just tea and water, because my past record was a week. I want to do the whole month of October, but that's unreasonable. I cannot set goals that are impossible to achieve, because then I will have no motivation to meet them. I'll reach and reach and reach for that finish line until I pass out from the effort, and then once I regain consciousness I'll keep on crawling.

Anyone want to join me?

Stay strong, sweet peas <3

Hello.

So I've been doing really well in the area of eating, I would just like to say. I think I told you guys already, but my dad is away in Singapore for the entire week, so things are really chill and not so family centered this week. My mom is working to get a grant submitted by the end of the week, so she's been staying at work until 11:30-12:00, which means my sister and I get to make our own dinners. Well, she makes her dinner, and I just sit and read/do homework :D I haven't had lunch this week at all, and the past two nights I have gone to bed without dinner. I am only having half a Fage yogurt every morning for breakfast (45 calories) plus a little bit of Kashi cereal (90 calories), and that has been holding me over for pretty much the whole day. When I start getting hungry, I drink a bunch of water, and when I start getting a little calorie crazed towards the end of the day, I just go and curl up in my bed and fall asleep. It's been a nice little routine :)

OH! So I was talking to S yesterday, on the phone, and he told me the most outrageous thing. So, I forget if I've already said this, but the reason that S and I never hang out or see each other is because I moved about 5 years ago. But guess what I found out yesterday???? He comes by where I live EVERY WEEKEND. I have a school literally a block from my house, and he goes there every saturday and sunday for orchestra. I was like "You knew I lived there, why didn't you call me???????" I was a little pissed, but I kind of did the same thing to him two days ago...I was actually on his school campus, and he was there (even though I didn't know he was), and I forgot to call him. He ranted at me for about half and hour after he found out :P I guess it's even now. Anyhoo, the point of that rant is to tell you all that I will probably be seeing him on Sunday :)

Alright my darlings, it is that time again when I must bid you adieu.

Stay strong my lovelies <3

FREAK OUT!

Something really scary happened to me today in my Calculus class. I was sitting in the back, taking notes and doing homework, when all of a sudden my heart just took off. I don't know what caused it, but all of a sudden my breath was coming in short gasps, my hands were shaking so badly that I couldn't write anything, and I started seeing black spots in my vision. I almost fell out of my seat, I was so dizzy. But those things were nothing compared to my heart. It was beating as fast as the blades of a helicopter turning. I have heard that after someone has a bypass surgery on their heart, you can feel it beating for months afterwards because they cut off the tissue surrounding the heart that muffles the thumping. I imagine what I felt today was something close to that unmuffled pounding. I thought that it was going to literally pound through my rib cage and onto my desk in front of me. It was terrifying.

Of course, no one noticed, and it went on through the rest of the class. I had to stay in at lunch because I could barely stand, so I couldn't get up out of my seat. That meant that I didn't have to deal with my "friends" harassing me about my lack of eating, but honestly I would have rather sat through that than what had happened.

What happened to me??? All I know is that if I'm going to pass out, I hope it never happens like that again.

In other news, I had to go to the doctor today. hip hip hooray. She commented on how much weight I had lost, smiling tightly, and since I'm not 18, I know she's going to call my mom and tell her. I'll have my favorite comeback ready for her, though:

Mom- So Dr. B says you're losing weight again. Honey, I'm nervous, are you going back to your old habits?
Me- Do I look anorexic?

She'll sigh, shake her head, and then drop the subject. Her confirmation that I don't look skinny enough will give my determination a good shot of energy, and it will simultaneously console her. :)

I hope that you all are doing wonderfully.

Stay strong, my lovelies <3

Home Alone, finally....

Hello lovies!

So, my sister is at an all-day concert today, my dad has left for singapore for a week, and my mom is working late tonight, so I get my house to myself! Yaaaaay :) This means I can blast music, dance around, and not eat. It's going to be a wonderful day.

I am actually working on my University applications, so that's nerve wracking. I'm supposed to fill out this resume thingy for the people who are writing my letters of recommendation, and it's taking FOREVER. I swear, I didn't know I had so many accomplishments to record! Most of them I think are pretty much BS to include, but my mom thinks I should have them there, so I'm working at it. Then I'm starting my essays :P Do you know how hard it is to write only 250 words that will decide whether or not you get into the university? Probably. It's absolute insanity! 1,000 words would be easier, but no, I get to restrict myself to all of two paragraphs. This is silly.

BRRRRRRR It's about 32 degrees c outside, but inside my house it's like a frickin' icebox!!! I think I'll go for a walk, maybe go to the drugstore and get some hair dye....or I could go for a run. Either way, I need to go outside before I get frostbite from sitting in my house!

Oh, just a little update, S and I have figured out a time to hang out...keep your fingers crossed for me and hope he doesn't cancel again.

Starve on, lovelies. Stay strong <3

I'm sooooooo messed up :P

Hello my lovelies!!!! I have missed you.

Sorry for being AWOL this past week, I've just been under a watchful eye, and any attempt to get on the computer has been thwarted by homework, my parents, or my sister. blehhhhhh. But I don't have any homework today, and my parents won't be home for awhile, and I just dropped my sister off at school, so I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!! hahaha

Being away from you guys is actually pretty hard for me. Is that bad? Probably, but whatever, I don't really care. When I'm not reading your posts or anything, the walls start to close in and I feel completely lost. I feel weak, but you all give me strength, and for that I love you <3

I have a couple of things to talk about.....FIRST I would just like to say that I have not binged at all since my last post, so that is something to be proud of. However, I haven't been restricting as much as I'd like. I haven't been able to exercise that much because usually I go for runs and it's too cold outside now to do that. I'm researching gyms where I can go use the cardio machines on a regular basis, so that should help. Too bad the memberships are so fucking expensive, I'm going to have to ask my parents to help pay. Hopefully there won't be too many questions asked....If there are, well, then I'll just tell them that I'm trying to stay in shape. After quitting gymnastics, that has become increasingly difficult, and my metabolism is slowing down because I'm losing my lean muscle. Got to get it back!

On another note, I would just like to say that I am saving up for a trip to Europe for the end of my senior year. I'm thinking I'll go to either Ireland or England, I'm not sure yet. If I went to England I'd probably go somewhere in the country, in Kent or near the Peak District. I know that sounds kind of touristy, but I kind of have an obsession with the British countryside. Also, I know someone who lives in Dublin who says that it's beautiful there, so I'm torn between the two. Any suggestions? And this is just assuming that I actually am able to acquire the money to make such a trip...

Lastly, I am having boy issues. So, this is going to sound pathetic, and I give you permission to laugh at me, but I can't really mention this to anyone else and I am just DYING to tell someone. Soooooo....there's this guy. His name is not important, so for the purpose of me telling you this, we shall call him S. I have known S for 6 years, and I have had a crush on him for about 5 of those years. Here's the kicker: I haven't seen him in 4 years. Pathetic, right? How can I like a guy that I never see? Still, it seems to be the dilemma that I am facing. Oh, and by the way, I'm not obsessed with him or anything. The reason that this little crush has gone on for so long is that every time we talk, on the phone or online, I'm just like "Damn, this guys is so awesome and amazing. WTF?!" Another thing is, he used to have a huge thing for my sister. Great confidence booster, right? pssh. He is beautifully handsome, tall, funny, incredibly smart, witty, sarcastic, he has great taste in music, we can talk for hours on end.....the list just keeps going. And every time I meet a new guy, I always compare him to S. It's ridiculous. For the past 4 years we have been trying to hang out together, but something always comes up; I had a gymnastics meet, he had a triathalon (oh yea....he's an athletic beast), his mom wouldn't let him come to this wine bottling thing....it's bee a nightmare. So, on my birthday this year, he calls me and goes "Hey, so we REALLY need to actually hang out this year, because this is getting ridiculous." My heart flutters, but then I face the reality that nothing will ever come of this, so I just answered vaguely, "Yeah, that would be cool." FML, I need to forget about him. bleh.

Sorry for that really long rant that barely makes any sense. I've been holding it inside for awhile. Thanks for reading! haha I hope you don't think I'm crazy now :P Well, actually, I am, but hopefully you don't think less of me for it.

Love you all! Stay strong, my lovelies <3

:'(

I don't know if it's the being sick that's getting to me, or what, but I'm super sad right now. My dad said something that hurt really bad.

So basically, he gave me a hug, and he said "Wow, your as skinny as your sister was!" Then, he gives my sister a hug and says, "And your way skinnier than she is!"

Maybe I am just overreacting. Probably. But I am just upset. And what do I do when I'm upset and frustrated about my weight? I vent to you guys :) Thanks for reading my nonsensical ramblings.

Stay strong, beautifuls. <3

I'm sick

Hi my lovelies....

I'm sick. Like super sick. This always happens at the beginning of the school year because the stupid freshmen bring new germs with them, and since I have a terrible immune system, I'm pretty much fucked for the next three weeks. Bleh.

The good thing about being sick is I have an appetite of about zero, and I have a logical excuse not to eat. But thats pretty much the only thing. Right now, I'm currently curled up on the couch under a million blankets with cup of steaming hot tea in my hands.

I hope you all are doing well.

Stay strong, beautiful girls! <3

WTF

three pounds.

It's just three pounds.

Why does it feel like fifty?

Three fucking pounds.

That's above the wonderful goal weight that I had just reached. I'm tired of this crap, making excuses for myself. This weekend, I binged and binged and binged and I did not stop. I could not. I shoved marshmallows and s'mores into my fat mouth, with the chocolate dribbling down my chin like some demented sticky drool. It was disgusting. Chips. Cheese. Pizza. It is all haunting me, my mistakes reverberating through my skull like the thunderous crashing of my thighs banging together.

Ever time this happens, there is always some excuse. "I was with my family," "I am on vacation," or "I just exercised a bunch, I can have a little bit more to eat. I can take it."

NO NO NO you CANNOT take it!

After every meal this weekend I ran back to my room and cried cried cried. Rain poured down my face. I tried tried tried to purge, but I couldn't. I never can. My throat closes up and I freak out, and that's it. I left my emergency laxies at home, so all I could do was sit there and feel the sludge of sugar and fat slowly move through my veins. I couldn't go for a run because of where I was. I did a million sit-ups, and I walked walked walked. But I still gained those three pounds.

THREE FUCKING POUNDS.

So, what happened this weekend was a holiday. It entailed a giant party that pretty much lasted all weekend, with friends and family up at the property that my parents own. And of course, because I am so freaking weak, I gave in to all of the food. FML.

I'm sure you are done hearing me whine about my pitiful attempts to stay strong, so I shall bore you all with some other ramblings.

On a slightly happier note, I am reading King Lear in my English class. I love Shakespeare, so of course I've already read it, but I love talking about it.

Today I decided that I needed another good dose of Keira Knightly thinspo, so I've been watching Pride and Prejudice. Again. For about the billionth time. I love that book too. Any Austen fans out there?

Last, but most certainly not least, I would just like to devote a section here to the beloved quinn. who wrote the beautiful thoughts under "Story of a Paper Hearted Girl." For those of you who read her posts, you will know that we almost lost her on Sunday. I actually cried with joy when I found out that she was okay...well, as okay as she can be in her situation. I ask you all to keep her in your thoughts and send her as much love as you can. She is no longer posting on her page, but any happy thoughts will be a good thing. As someone who has gone through a frighteningly similar situation, I hope that she gets herself well again. I will miss reading her poetic writing, and I hope that I will get to read her posts again someday.

That is all, for now. Goodnight, my sweetums. Dream wonderful dreams of life and happiness.

Stay strong, my lovelies <3

2nd goal weight!!!!!

I know this has taken me forever to get to, but I have finally reached my second goal weight. I feel amazing. Not skinny enough yet, no, I still feel like I need to take a machete to my body to chop off all of the fat, but this is a good step in the right direction.

What I didn't tell you guys was that I had ballooned to close to my starting weight. I felt so bad, so disgusting, and so disappointed in myself. So I bypassed goal one again, and now I have finally reached goal 2. YAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope that I can keep this streak alive :) Love you all!!!

Starve on, my lovelies. Stay strong <3

Not eating again....

So my sister is driving me crazy. I love her to death, but I don't think she understands that her career is hanging on how much weight she looses. I think I've told you all this before, but K (my sister) is a ballet dancer. She was told that she is the best at her school, and she has a shot at being in the company, but the school director told her that she needed to lose some weight. Then, she comes home today, after her first day of ballet in 4 weeks, with a donut in one hand and a bag of Redvines in her purse. It's really awful to watch her spiral down like this. So here's how the conversation transpired:
Me: when did you get those?
K: Oh, I went by Safeway on the way home. You want some? (holding out the Redvines)
Me: I'm okay, just ate. Um...do you think you should be eating those?
K: Why not?
Me: Well, I just thought you were trying to lose weight....Nevermind, forget it.
K: Cut me some slack, I just danced for 4 hours straight, I can afford some sweets.
Me: But you used to do that all the time. I'm just trying to help, and eating a donut and candy isn't exactly conducive to your goals right now, okay?
K: Are you saying I'm getting fat?
Me: Did you hear me say anything like that? Of course you aren't! You're a twig, and you're beautiful, I just thought you wanted to lose weight. (I turn to walk away).
K: Just 'cause I'm not starving myself doesn't mean I'm not dieting.

I let it slide, but it hurt me, I'm not going to lie. This is the girl that I go to for support. When I was cutting my wrists and starting to scare myself, I told her. When I wanted to park my car across the train tracks and just end it, I told her and she helped me out of it. But this is something I just can't tell her. Not ever. Thank goodness I have you guys to vent to, otherwise I might go insane in this lonely fight.

I think I wouldn't have gotten so upset if it hadn't been for similar comments that have been occurring regularly this past week. At lunch, my friend "B," noticing my quarter of a rice cake that I'm nibbling on for lunch, goes "So how is that zero calorie diet going for you?" Then he laughs. Then my other friend, E, decides to put his two cents in and says, "Come on, it's not like she looks annorexic or anything, right?" They both snigger. Ever since that lunch, they've been making comments like that, and it's tearing me apart inside. I shouldn't let those assholes get to me, I know, but they do. The fact that they think me with an eating disorder is a laughable situation does nothing to stem the flow of anger and hurt. Today, after some particularly nasty comments, I ran to my next class, with half an hour left of lunch, and just silently cried at my desk. I feel so weak, so vulnerable.

Help?

My ghostly fingers are reaching into the shadows....will someone grab hold and tell me everything will be alright?

I just want to prove to those fuckers that I can be beautiful and thin, and I'll shove their laughter down their throats, in the hope that they'll choke on it.

I'm not full of much inspiration today, so I'm just going to say this: Stay strong, my darlings <3

Drowning Life

Here is a poem that I wrote....tell me what you think. I hope you enjoy it.


I am sorry that my eyes
No longer light up
No longer burn
When you are near
For I have lost
Lost more than you
You who are loved
Could ever know

My eyes are blank
They stop and stare
Now shadowed and dark
Not bright and fair
Chilling water consumes
Smothering life and desire
The ice freezes
Obstructing all emotions
I am sorry that my eyes
Lie unresponsive in your gaze
They are in a cage

I have been transformed
Once a creature of air and flame
Now of ice and rock
Cold, distant
A shell of what I used to be
Will you help me?
I am drowning
My life-fire is failing
Willpower is not enough
Will love be?
Can you offer me that?
Uncertainty is my enemy
One moment more
And I might be gone
I am sorry that my eyes
No longer light up
No longer burn
When you are near
I am now devoid of emotions
You are too late.

CLEANING!!!!

I woke up this morning, stumbled out of bed, and almost tripped over a pile of laundry and broke my neck.

Guess what guys???? It's a cleaning day!!! My parents are coming home tonight, and I gotta make the house cleaner, because right now it's driving me insane. If I had my druthers, my house would always be neat and organized. Unfortunately, my mom and my sister are absolutely CRAZY and if I tried to always keep the house clean, I would do nothing except clean up after those two. I'm sorry, but that's not exactly how I like to live life. So, usually I keep my little corner of the house spotless, and then I let other people in the house take care of their own mess. That means letting everything pile up everywhere, basically, so I usually just have to leave my house a lot when it gets like this. Now, it's just unacceptable, so I'm going to clean it!

I hope that little rant about my home-life wasn't too boring/confusing.

Anyhoo, the bright side about cleaning my house is that I am so busy cleaning everything up that I just forget to eat. It's awesome.

Yesterday I went for a long walk, and I ended up running home because I couldn't stand the thundering drum of my thighs banging together any longer. It wasn't good. I wish I could just fast-forward to skinny, so that my thighs no longer fight over the limited amount of space between them.

Let me hear your voices.

Starve on, lovies. Stay strong <3

Crashing waves

Hello dear ones,
In reference to my afore-mentioned fast, I would just like to say that I was very successful :) not a single food item crossed my lips for the entire day, and for that I was quite proud. It reminded me how happy I am when I am empty. I was taking a Calculus test the other day, and since I had had half a yogurt for breakfast, my stomach went to town digesting it, and every time my stomach made a noise I wanted to giggle with glee.

Today I went to the beach with my sister, and while she took pictures I just walked along the shore. She ate the lunch that we had brought, but the waves, as they crashed, seemed to say "resist....resist..." and so I did. Since our parents our out of town, we're going to a little Indian restaurant for dinner (I know, we're so badass :P haha), and I have promised myself that I will eat half a pice of naan and nothing else. It will be blissful :)

Today and the other day, however, have been my good days. It is so hard to live the way I want when I still live with my sister and my parents. As soon as I leave for college, everything will turn around for me. I just know it. I can feel it in my bones. No one will know me there, no one will know whether or not I've eaten. I'll just be that beautiful thin girl that turns heads as I walk down the sidewalk. I'll be sculpted out of delicate glass and ivory. I'll be perfect.

On a completely unrelated note, I got a letter from my pen pal (I know, I'm a geek for having a pen pal, but it is so nice to talk to someone out of the context in which I live. It is quite liberating). She lives in a small town in Great Britain, for which I am envious. I have always wanted to go there.

I hope you are all doing wonderfully. Let me hear your voices. Remind me that I am not speaking empty words into the shadowy depths of technology.

Starve on, my lovelies. Stay strong <3

....

Why is it so hard to do this? I've had a rough couple of days....more later.

Fasting today. I WILL succeed.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaand she's back on track!

Hello loves!
Guess what????? I start school again tomorrow. What does that mean? That is one meal right smack in the middle of the day that I can tell my friends I'm eating later and I can tell my parents I ate before. WOOT WOOT! I actually don't know why I am so excited about that....maybe because with my whole family being home again, it's been harder and harder to skip meals or take small portions. But I solved my problem: no breakfast, no lunch, small dinner = BEST SOLUTION EVER. I think i'm a genius. okay okay, maybe I shouldn't get so ahead of myself, but I'm just in a good mood today :) I dropped 3 pounds from yesterday morning to this morning, so that's cause for celebration.

I did super well with my grandparents in Montana, and thank you Ashley for the good luck wish :) I had half a cup of Kashi cereal for breakfast each morning, with no milk, no lunch, and then I was just taking small amounts for dinner. I totaled at about 400 calories a day :D The weather there was terrible though, which made me sad. We were staying on a lake, and we had to stay inside the tent for pretty much the whole time. How lame is that?? No tubing, no fishing, no swimming, just sitting in a tent. Unfortunately, my twin (I'll call her K for privacy's sake) did not do as well as I on the restricting front. She was told by her ballet instructor that if she wanted to be chosen for the company, she had to lose weight, so rather than taking that advice to heart, she pigged out like she always does when we go to Montana. I just feel so bad, because she would notice how little I was eating and then she would alternate getting mad at me and getting mad at herself, so that made the trip a little tense. I love her so much, and I hope that she can get her diet under control (not in the same way as me, I wouldn't wish this craziness on her) so she can do whatever she wants with her dance career. She deserves the world.

So I have a nice concrete time for when I am going to reach 114. I am going to a Paramore concert with one of my college friends in mid-September, and I have an outfit that will look absolutely smashing on me at a lower weight, although if I could be lower than 114 then I would be even happier.

Gahhhhhhh is it crazy that my life is centered around how much I eat and how much I weigh? Maybe. All I know is that I am happiest when my stomach is empty. I feel like a feather, I could do anything, float anywhere, free as a bird, high as a kite. When I am empty, I am strong. Strong enough to take on the world.

Let me hear your voices.

Starve on, loves. Stay strong <3

HELLO!!!!

I promise, dear readers, that I have not died. I have simply been distracted for quite some time. For a little bit there, I was doing terribly, and I was not allowing myself to go online to check other blogs, as a sort of punishment. Then I realized, that is the stupidest idea i have ever had in my life!!!! People post these blogs to reach out to the rest of us, to show that we are a community, and we are all here for each other, through good times and bad.

Also, since I finally have followers, I thought I could tell you a little bit about myself, and my eating disorder. My eating disorder developed from a diet gone wrong, my freshman year in high school. I was counting calories, which is customary in any diet, but I was horrified to see how many calories each thing I ate was. As I added the numbers in my head, my daily intake started to scare me. So I restricted. and restricted. And restricted, until finally I was eating no more than 400 or 500 calories a day. That still seemed (still seems) like a lot. I wished I could live off of "air and sunshine". I didn't want to be dependent on those terrible calories. But here's the kicker. I was (until about 4 weeks ago) a nationally ranked Level 10 gymnast. One day, I was on bars, with my coach spotting me, and when I went upside down and he held me in a handstand, he said he could feel my ribs in my back. I was so happy, because I was making tangible progress! Then, two days later, I fainted on floor in the middle of a routine. BUSTED. Sure I had been getting light headed on a day to day basis, and I would crash every day after my 4 hour gymnastics workout, but it was never in public, where others could see me. so, sure enough, my parents took me to the doctor, who was horrified at my appearance, and I was not allowed to go to gymnastics until I got back up to at least a disgusting 120 lbs. Now, I do not know if any of you have ever participated in a sport that you love so much that you go crazy when you can't do it, but that's how gymnastics was for me. So, my parents found the carrot that would make me eat. They would let me go to gymnastics, and I, in return, would eat three meals a day. There was a lot more drama in there than I am saying, but I would rather leave some details to myself....

So, enough about my disturbing spiral into my current weight predicament. These past few weeks have been...interesting. I found that my biggest downfall are vacations and traveling. Last week, I was doing research in Bishop, CA. This entailed a lot of hiking, so hungry people were running the research station. Meals and parties with lots and lots and lots of food were quite thick on the ground. I was good for about 4 days, and then I cracked, and immediately hated myself for it. So the pattern would go something like this: no breakfast, no lunch, lots of hiking, big party with lots of good food, where I would indulge. I did not gain any weight, thank god, but I was not sleeping because apparently I am not accustomed to sleeping with a full stomach anymore. I felt sick every single night.

This week has been so much better because I am finally home. I can have my wonderful rice cake with hot sauce for brunch, and then eat a tiny bit of dressing-less salad for dinner. Anyone ever read the book Wintergirls? It's fantastic. Thats where I got the idea for the rice cake with hot sauce. You are eating and simultaneously punishing yourself for doing so.

I am not going to say my weight right now, because I am trying to focus on the positives. These past couple of days, with my successful restricting, I have been watching a TON of movies. My favorite two for thinspiration have been The Runaways and Pride and Prejudice. Dakota Fanning, despite being only 16, is beautiful and ethereally thin as the troubled, young Cherie Currie. Kiera Knightly, aka Elizabeth Bennet and my idol, looks so beautiful in all of her gowns it makes you want to cry. So, I have been immersed in thinspiration, hoping I can use the overload as a talisman against the looming weekend, when I will be going to Montana to visit my Grandfather, who believes that a well-balanced meal is a good portion of Texas Straw Hats. If you don't know what that is, it is a fatty chili with cheese toppled on top of a bed of Frito chips. EW. Wish me luck!

Wow, this was a long entry. I hope it holds you all over until next week, when I'll be able to update again. I dearly hope that I can stay strong when I am with the family this weekend.

Let me hear your voices.

Starve on, lovies. Stay strong <3

I AM A FUCKING FAILURE

I know I don't have many followers (I think right now I have just one, and I am eternally grateful that someone is there), but I could really use some support right now. I know I said I wouldn't post until I got to my second goal weight, but I got suuuuper stuck.

This weekend I was at a 4-day, intensive volleyball camp. It was absolutely insane, and I was dying by the end of each day because I was working out for pretty much 12 hours straight. And here's the amazing part: I hardly ate anything FOR 4 DAYS. I had cereal for breakfast (90 cals), a couple strawberries at lunch, and nothing for dinner. That's all I ate for four f'cking days (except for my wonderful diet coke, I'd be lost without you!). And guess what???? I stepped on the scale this morning, and I'm at the fucking lardo weight of 133!! I gained back five pounds, after all of that discipline!!!!!!

I'm not going to lie, I broke down in tears. I felt so defeated. But this has taught me something: If this is what is going to happen to me, then I don't deserve to eat. Starting tonight I am going on a major fast, with just water. I don't know how long it will last, but at this point I want to keep going forever. I don't want to look in the mirror. I don't want to step on the scale. I'm such a fucking failure. I don't deserve to eat. I do not deserve to eat. I DO NOT DESERVE TO EAT. I have to keep telling myself that, because the small child in me just wants to give up completely. I will be strong. I WILL NOT EAT.

Stay beautiful, strong, and determined. Don't let my failures deter you from what you want, because I KNOW you are amazing, and you have all of my support and a lot more.

Let me hear your voices.

Starve on, loves <3

just a little update....

so, ive decided that i am going to stay away from my blogs until i reach my next goal weight, as a sort of incentive. last weekend (4th of july holiday) was a HUGE disaster. i didnt binge, per say, but i did eat a lot more than i needed, partially because it was my birthday weekend as well and people were practically shoving cake down my throat.

speaking of cake....any harry potter fans out there? well, if you're reading this, let me know, cuz i had the most amazing birthday cake ever. since i turned 17 last week, i had my family make a cake in the shape of a golden snitch, like harry potter's 17th birthday cake. I promise, I am not usually this much of a geek, but when it comes to Harry Potter, I'm there :D

So I ate one piece of cake because everyone was watching, but I didn't eat anything else for the rest of the day. I just chugged the water, so no one suspected anything. The day after my birthday, though, was pretty tough.

My twin sister is a ballet dancer, and she's super skinny. When we went to go get food at this picnic for the 4th, I took less food than her, and she flipped. She was like "if you want to lose weight, not eating hardly anything isn't the way to do it...." and then she put some of the food she had grabbed back. it broke my heart. I don't want to drag her into this dark spiral of my eating disorder. but since she's the ballet dancer, she has it in her head that she HAS to be skinnier than me, and I'm afraid she'll go to unhealthy measures to keep up with me. As soon as she sees that I weigh less than her, I know she'll do something drastic. She has always been super competitive, it's just her nature.......I just dearly hope she restrains from participating in this particular "competition".

Anyways, I know that no one is reading this, but like I said before, it better to release these pent-up thoughts into the shadows of the Internet than have them cloud my mind.

Starve on, loves. Stay strong.

<3

early birthday present :)

i know that there probably isnt anyone out there who is reading this, but it is comforting to at least share my thoughts and progress with the shadows of cyberspace.

today, i reached my first goal weight. that means i dropped 8 pounds in one week. AND i was watching epic episodes of my favorite TV show, The West Wing (i know, it was cancelled years ago, but i still love it), so im just in a great mood today.

friday is my birthday, so im glad that i reached this goal before then. its like an early birthday present to myself :) does that seem selfish? well, for me it is giving me enough adrenaline to keep going. i hope that there is someone out there who can share the high of this accomplishment. but maybe i am jumping for joy prematurely. i havent hit the rough patch yet, let me tell ya, but this has certainly given me something positive to carry me through.

let me hear your voices.

starve on, loves. stay strong <3

lalala

so i lost another pound.....but idk if that's a hoax or not. im trying to keep it positive, because if my family notices that im getting depressed again, they'll know im going back to my old ways. im trying to hard to keep them off my back, but it's getting harder and harder to slip past dinner without eating anything...
i did have a really good workout today, though. I went for a 5 mile run, came home, and did a ballet class. I was dying by the end of it, but i managed to stay away from the food and just have a bunch of water. im on a high, and there is nothing tied to my feet to hold me down. i love it :) i missed this, this feeling of power.

I'm almost at my first weight goal. maybe tomorrow morning I'll step on the scale and it'll be there. god, i hope so.

let me hear your voices.

starve on, loves. stay strong <3

life continues...

hello there,
i dont know if you are out there, maybe i am talking to shadows, but I shall post this just in case there are a couple readers.

I stepped on the scale today for the first time since last wednesday. its been calling my name, and ive been trying to resist, i was scared as to what it would say. turns out it had some good news for me, for once :) I dropped 5 lbs since last week, which doesnt seem all that drastic, given the state of disgustingness that i am stuck in right now, but it is an improvement. I went from 138 to 133.

i wish i could make this go faster. i cant look in the mirror right now, knowing that all I will see is the fat bubbling around me like a suffocating blanket. I will break away from this bondage. let me hear your voices.

starve on, loves. stay strong.

<3

The beginning....

I have been reading many other Pro Ana blogs, and I wanted to start my own, because I know how much they have helped me. This will be a short post, but I want to extend my arms to all of my little loves out there, dying to be heard. Your silent whispers will always be heard and supported here. Stay strong.