Monday, October 31, 2011

My food today started off horrible, but I got everything under control by the end of the day.....

Intake:
Bagel (340 cals)
Lentil soup (100)
Apple (80)


I skipped dinner, and W noticed, but I honestly to not give a fuck right now.  I don't want to talk to anyone, I'm in such a bad mood and all I want to do is sleep for days and days and days and maybe when I wake up again I'll be skinny and in a better mood and all of the work that is piling up will have done itself.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Good News and Bad News

Hello loves.

So, the good news is that I have managed to hydrate enough and rest enough that the effects of overdosing on those pills seems to be wearing off.  I have a bit of a headache and a fever, but my heart has settled down and I've stopped shaking.

Tonight I threw a party in my dorm room in the spirit of halloween, and Almond Boy finally came to my party.  He was putting his arm around me and definitely seemed interested, but since I was freaking out about the whole pills thing, and I wasn't drinking so I was generally a little bit subdued, I think I screwed things up.  I couldn't make conversation to save my life, and he left with his friend after about half an hour. I think he thought that I wasn't interested, and so he just gave up.  So that's the bad news.  I wish he had come on a night when I wasn't feeling quite so crappy and confused about life.  I don't think I'll get another chance, and I'm really upset.

Tonight did not turn out the way that it was supposed to.  This sucks.

I didn't mean to, it just happened....

I took too many diet pills again.  Was supposed to take only two today, but I took 10.  My heart's feeling a bit funny..... I hope it'll pass soon.  This is scary.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Not doing that again....

Ouch.

My throat hurts.  Like, my muscles on the inside of my throat hurt.  I've never felt that before...I think that I'm going to stick to what I'm good at, which is restricting.  My little run in with purging was not very good for me.

I talked to W last night.  I told him everything.  I just broke down and told him.  Well, I didn't cry, but my resolve broke.  He was telling me that he had never known anyone with problems like me.  He never had a friend with depression, or who cut, or who had a raging eating disorder.  He told me that he had been doing research to see what he could do to help me.  What a sweetheart.  Too bad I'm probably going to try to avoid that help.....that's how fucked up I am.  When the guy that I sort of like decides that he's going to take it upon himself to make me better, I'm just going to throw it back in his face.

I'm going to feel horrible about it.  But that doesn't make it okay.

I told him that I would start blogging only every other day instead of every day, but we see how well that turned out....

<3

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I did it.

I have a confession to make.....

I purged for the first time.  Ever.  I was having such a good day, just an apple for breakfast and no lunch (I even hung out with Almond Boy today!), but then dinner came around....and I wouldn't say I binged, because that scares me so fucking badly, but I ate more than I was intending to.  And so I came back to my dorm and I forced myself to throw it up.  I've never done that before.  I've always been so good at the restricting, I never felt like I needed to purge, and when I did, I could never actually get myself to throw up.  But I did tonight and...well, it felt shitty, but it also felt good.  I'm all empty now, and I think I did it soon enough that I didn't absorb too many calories from dinner.

I want to talk to W.  But I shouldn't.  I can't.  But I need to talk to someone, not so they can convince me to stop, but so that I can....talk! I just need to vocalize what's going on right now, and maybe that will make me feel less out of control.  I don't know.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

That reminded me....

Skinny, Late' s post today reminded me of one of the toughest things about being depressed and having an eating disorder.  I was just thinking about this earlier, when I was sitting in my dorm. When I have a tough time, all of the people that know about my "situation" say that I should come talk to them, but how do I do that? How can I say, "Hey, can I talk to you about the fact that when I walk, the rubbing of my thighs against each other drives me to want to sprint back to my dorm room and cut my arm into ribbons? Or about the fact that sometimes I fantasize about just slipping off of the roof of my science building, by "accident" just so that I don't have to deal with this fucked up world anymore?  Can I just sit and tell you about how high I feel when all I have consumed in 3 days is black coffee?"  You can't do that.  Those conversations just don't happen.  People just say "I think you need to talk to someone about this..." (idiot, what do you think I was doing talking to you?), or they just don't even know what to say.  They pat you on the arm (not the one covered in scars and cuts) and lie, saying that you're beautiful and everything is going to be alright.  I have been having people tell me that everything was going to be alright for seven straight years now, and I don't see that panning out.

I can talk to my sister about everything, but I can't call her and tell her "Sometimes when I'm alone in my room, I just cry because I'm so sad all the time and I can't control it." She would freak out.

I can't tell J that when I got over one hundred percent on my midterm, I was more proud of the fact that my intake for that day had been under 500 calories.

I can't just waltz down the hallway to W's room and ask for a much needed hug, because that always leads to the questions of "why" that I can't handle.

Sometimes I just feel so fucking lonely.  Hell, not sometimes.  Almost all the time.  I've been getting reminded so often recently of how much you little loves mean to me, in this little network of blogs.  It is the one place where I can express how hopeless I feel and all I get is support, no judgement.

I sometimes don't know how much longer I'll last, I'm slowly driving myself insane.

Love you all <3

Monday, October 24, 2011

I'm sorry

My distraction methods didn't work. As soon as I got back from my ballet class, I took out my leatherman and now my arm is....well, you guys know. Mylo Xyloto is amazing, I've already listened to it twice all the way through. I highly recommend giving it a listen....

Love you guys, and thanks to all of my new followers, you're wonderful human beings.

Mylo Xyloto

Intake today:
Rice cake- 35 calories
Salad- 280 calories
Muffin- 120 calories
Water, water, more water
Diet coke

Simple post today, lovelies.  The newest Coldplay album was released today, so I'm going to go listen to it to distract myself from the knife sitting on my desk.  Love you all.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Oh, and thank you to all of my new followers. I love you guys.

No More

Alright, girlies, I have to promise myself something, and the only way I'm going to hold myself to it is if I tell you guys about it, so here goes.

I promise to stop drinking alcohol.  Not indefinitely, but until I have a little bit more control over my emotions and such.  It will probably just be for a few months, but it'll be a good thing for me.  Last night I drank 800 calories worth of alcohol, and while I wasn't even hungover this morning, I couldn't erase those calories from my system.  I also tell people things that I regret when I sober up, so the solution to that is to just be sober all the time.  I don't mind hanging out with drunk people; I know that my roommate will still want to throw parties in our room, and I'm fine with that, but I won't partake in the drinking.

Think of how many calories I'm going to save.  And all of the money I've wasted over the past few weeks....no more, we're done.

Maybe W can help me keep this promise....he doesn't drink (he kind of has an all-or-nothing personality, and he's afraid that if he starts drinking, he's going to go hardcore).  That's why he always ends up taking care of me when I'm drunk.

Anyways, thanks for listening to my spastic thoughts.  Love you.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Heyyyyyy

I probably shouldn't be posting right now, because I'm reallyyyyyyy drunk.  I told my friend that I like W, and she isn't judging me, but she's pretty drunk, so we'll see in the morning.

I ate too much today.  I'm sorry guys, I feel like sometimes I fail at life.  I haven't looked at my schedule in a couple of days, so tomorrow we'll be back on track.

Love you all!!!!!

Monday, October 17, 2011

Better...

Things today have been better than yesterday.  I went over on my calories for the day again, but I just whipped my ass in ballet instead of taking to the knife.  J texted me this morning and all he said was "I love you, be strong today." I love him so much, I'm so glad that he's in my life, and that he's chosen to forgive me for now.

Much love to Just Me and Astra, your guys' comments made my day a little brighter.  I love you guys.

So there's another guy....I promise that I'm not boy crazy, but being in college now, I have so many more new dating opportunities, so I'm trying not to limit myself.  This guy is the one that I told you about before, who took care of me when I was really drunk and who found out about my problems and wants to help me.  He lives on my floor, and his name starts with an "E", but since I already have a person on here designated to that name, we'll call him W.  He and I don't exactly see eye-to-eye on everything, but I love talking to him.  He's tall, dark hair, a little bit more athletic and muscle-y than my usual type, but he's not bulky, just lean.  He has a habit of walking around our dorm without a shirt on, which I don't complain about *drool*.  Some of the other people on my floor thought he was a little weird at first, but he isn't at all, actually.  He is super energetic and friendly, and he takes care of me.

The other night, when I was really drunk and I was mad that I had drunk so many calories, I was sitting on a couch in our common room just staring at my cuts and scratching at them.  He came in and pulled my hand away and just put his arm around me, stroking my hair and rubbing my shoulders, trying to get me to calm down.  We had a really good talk about life.  Then he started talking to me about how his girlfriend broke up with him now that they're at different schools, but she keeps calling him and telling him that she misses him, she's messing with his head.  When he was telling me about all of this, he put his head in his hands and was tearing up a little bit and I was just so astounded that he felt comfortable enough to tell me that.  Maybe he thought I was too drunk to remember....we haven't talked about it since.  But he is always looking out for me, and I think it was that night that I started developing a little crush.  I don't even know if I'll ever act on it or anything, but I just get really happy when I see him, and I love spending time with him.  I'm not as blatantly attracted to him as with Almond Boy, but we'll see...

I have a paper to finish and a few classes tomorrow, but then I have fall break! All of my friends are going home, except for me, so I'll basically have the entire campus to myself.  That'll be weird.  But I'll figure out ways to occupy my time...

Love you guys, thanks again for the comments <3

Sunday, October 16, 2011

I broke a promise.

It is official. I am a horrible person.
I haven't talked about J on here in awhile, but basically he's my best friend.  Or was, until I told him that I cut my wrists again tonight, after promising him that if I had the knife in my hand again, I would call him and have him talk me out of it.  Now he is pissed at me, and I think he's just upset, but this has happened before and I've completely ruined his trust in me.  I've wadded it up and thrown it in his face.  Then stomped on it and spit on it for good measure.  He says he doesn't know if he can forgive me for this.  He just keeps asking me why, and I don't have a good enough answer for him.  He doesn't understand that, for me, responding with "I ate too much at dinner" is a perfectly viable reason to turn my arm into mincemeat.
I don't know what I'm going to do without him.  It's hard enough that we're living on opposite sides of the country right now, but if he shuts me out of his life.....I don't know how I'll cope.
My left arm currently has more cuts than skin, it seems like.  I almost had to call my friend Eric to help me bandage it up because it wouldn't stop bleeding and I couldn't do it with one hand.  That's the low that I've reached.
I think I'll fast tomorrow.
Oh god, what will I do without him?
Trying so hard not to break down right now, guys.  I'm only being mildly successful.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Ouch.

Hunger hurts.


Since I was being such a lazy fat ass for a couple of weeks, I forgot how much hunger pains hurt.  Right now I'm laying in bed, and I can't sleep.  My body is in agony.  Shooting pains through my ribs and stomach.  Lucky for me, when I'm in pain I lose my appetite, so I'm not even a little bit tempted to go eat right now.  Maybe I'll get up and eat an apple or something so that I can fall asleep....

I ran into Almond Boy about two seconds ago.  I had pretty much written him off, due to the fact that I was basically initiating every contact that we had for a bit there, and it was getting embarrassing.  But just now, when I saw him, he said hi first and was all happy to see me, gave me a big hug and everything.  What. The. Hell.  And now I'm just as hung up on him as I was before. Fuck.

Ouch.  I'm in so much pain right now.  This is scary.

Love you guys <3

Uh ohhhhhhh

I did it again.  Except this time I actually cut a word into my arm.  I've never done that before.  I've reached a new level of despair.  Big red lines dash across my skin to form the word "FAT". After I promised my friend that I wouldn't do it again.  After I told my other friend that I would call him to have him talk me out of it next time I had the knife in my hand.

Oops.

I went over my calories for the day for the first time since I started ABC.  They were all calories from alcohol.  Shit.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

I had forgotten how tired fasting makes me....I've been really low energy, despite my five cups of coffee.

Longer post later...Love you guys.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

On a High

You know those days where you just wake up and feel invincible? I'm having one of those :D

I woke up early, did my hair and makeup, then put on an awesome outfit.  While everyone else was still rubbing sleep from their eyes on the way to breakfast, I was strutting my stuff in my Steve Madden boots, already on a high from my first cup of coffee for the day.

Since today is technically a fast, I had another cup of black coffee at breakfast, along with some water.  At lunch, I had some diet coke and more water.  Then I went to my ballet class.  I forgot the high that you get when you do a fast, it's such a thrill.  I love it! Instead of doing the 120 calories that I'm supposed to for my ABC tomorrow, I think I might just fast again.  It's amazing.

I still have volleyball to go to tonight, so that's even more calories burned....So excited!!!!

Love you girlies <3

Monday, October 10, 2011

He didn't come on Saturday.  Almond Boy, that is.  He texted me and said he was sick, so he couldn't go.  I saw him the next day, and I hate to say this but I was really happy to see him looking like shit.  I mean, I obviously felt really bad for him, but when he texted me the night before, I thought that he was just coming up with some bullshit excuse not to go.  But since he was actually sick, I felt a little better....does that make me a horrible person?

Other shenanigans went down on saturday as well.  I got pretty drunk and I was careless about my cuts and my friend saw them (and of course HE was sober) and he asked me what they were and I said "nothing" but obviously he knew.  And then there reached a point where I started counting how many calories were in the alcohol that I had just consumed, and he was just like "Is there something you need to tell me? I'm here for you, whatever you need..." and I basically just spilled my entire history of everything.  I've only known the guy for like a month and a half, and he helped me out like a trooper, just hugging me and telling me that he was there for me.

And then today, my two other friends saw that whole breakdown and they pulled me aside and were like "We're your friends through good times and bad times.  We just want you to know that we're here for you." So, somehow, after a weekend of drinking and loose tongues, I managed to go from having no one at college knowing about my history, to almost all of my new friends knowing.  It was nice to know that they are all here for me, but it's going to make the rest of this ABC thing harder....we'll see.

Today was a 400 calorie day.  Tomorrow is 500 calories, and then Wednesday is a fast, my first one of the diet.  So far I've been coasting, but I know that the days will get harder now.  Wish me luck.

I love you guys <3

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Breathe Me

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
hurt myself again today
and the worst part is 
theres no one else to blame


That moment when you are sitting in the bathroom, knife in hand, you don't go back.  Soon, the scars on your left arm are no longer white lines.  The ladder is interrupted by little red lines, slowly expanding by the minute.

I told my friends that I tripped and fell on the sidewalk.  They haven't seen the actual cuts because I have them wrapped up, but I think my friend A was a bit suspicious.  Whatever, they don't know about my past, I can feed them the lies for now.  A knows about my ED, but I think he's too scared to say anything about it.  I'm afraid that if they find out about my history of depression and suicidal tendencies and cutting they will run away, thinking I'm some sort of disease that can be caught.  I'm contagious.

I'm so sad that I can't even cry.  It's the kind of sad that seeps into your bones, weighing you down and dragging you to the ground.  The corners of your mouth have hooks in them, so every smile quivers with the pain and effort.

Hello again, darkness.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Days two and three and other news....

I had the same sort of day yesterday as the day before, so that was good.  I lost two pounds in the first day :) Today was supposed to be a 300 calorie day, so I had just black coffee for breakfast and I had a 300 calorie lunch. Skipping dinner.  I had ballet today as well, and volleyball tonight, so my net calories will end up in the negative range.

I got over a 100 percent on my chemistry exam, so that was amazing. I'm so happy about that.

And I'm throwing a birthday party for my roommate on Saturday, and guys, guess who said he's coming???? Almond Boy :) I may have squealed and danced around a little bit when I found out. Maybe....

This party is also a good distraction from the fact that I haven't been eating that much.  I love being in charge of organizing these kinds of things, I pretty much fill my schedule with running little errands that make my day full of activity.  I hate being solitary when I'm fasting/eating 500 calories or less.

Oh, and when I walked into dance today, my dance teacher said that I smelled good.  Great day? I think yes.

Skinny, here I come.  I can't wait to see you again.  Love you, lovelies!

Monday, October 3, 2011

Day 1- 500 calories

Breakfast- apple (80 calories)
Lunch- Carrots and hummus (120 calories)
Dinner- mixed greens salad (280 calories)

Total: 480 calories

Success :)

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Tomorrow

And I want to believe you
When you tell me that it'll be okay
yeah, I try to believe you
but I don't


When you say that it's going to be
it always turns out to be a different way
I try to believe you...not today.
Tomorrow may change


I start my ABC diet tomorrow, lovelies.  I spent a good part of the afternoon typing up an eating schedule so I will not cheat.  I love structure....Wish me luck, girlies!!!

Let me hear your voices.