Monday, August 30, 2010

Not eating again....

So my sister is driving me crazy. I love her to death, but I don't think she understands that her career is hanging on how much weight she looses. I think I've told you all this before, but K (my sister) is a ballet dancer. She was told that she is the best at her school, and she has a shot at being in the company, but the school director told her that she needed to lose some weight. Then, she comes home today, after her first day of ballet in 4 weeks, with a donut in one hand and a bag of Redvines in her purse. It's really awful to watch her spiral down like this. So here's how the conversation transpired:
Me: when did you get those?
K: Oh, I went by Safeway on the way home. You want some? (holding out the Redvines)
Me: I'm okay, just ate. Um...do you think you should be eating those?
K: Why not?
Me: Well, I just thought you were trying to lose weight....Nevermind, forget it.
K: Cut me some slack, I just danced for 4 hours straight, I can afford some sweets.
Me: But you used to do that all the time. I'm just trying to help, and eating a donut and candy isn't exactly conducive to your goals right now, okay?
K: Are you saying I'm getting fat?
Me: Did you hear me say anything like that? Of course you aren't! You're a twig, and you're beautiful, I just thought you wanted to lose weight. (I turn to walk away).
K: Just 'cause I'm not starving myself doesn't mean I'm not dieting.

I let it slide, but it hurt me, I'm not going to lie. This is the girl that I go to for support. When I was cutting my wrists and starting to scare myself, I told her. When I wanted to park my car across the train tracks and just end it, I told her and she helped me out of it. But this is something I just can't tell her. Not ever. Thank goodness I have you guys to vent to, otherwise I might go insane in this lonely fight.

I think I wouldn't have gotten so upset if it hadn't been for similar comments that have been occurring regularly this past week. At lunch, my friend "B," noticing my quarter of a rice cake that I'm nibbling on for lunch, goes "So how is that zero calorie diet going for you?" Then he laughs. Then my other friend, E, decides to put his two cents in and says, "Come on, it's not like she looks annorexic or anything, right?" They both snigger. Ever since that lunch, they've been making comments like that, and it's tearing me apart inside. I shouldn't let those assholes get to me, I know, but they do. The fact that they think me with an eating disorder is a laughable situation does nothing to stem the flow of anger and hurt. Today, after some particularly nasty comments, I ran to my next class, with half an hour left of lunch, and just silently cried at my desk. I feel so weak, so vulnerable.

Help?

My ghostly fingers are reaching into the shadows....will someone grab hold and tell me everything will be alright?

I just want to prove to those fuckers that I can be beautiful and thin, and I'll shove their laughter down their throats, in the hope that they'll choke on it.

I'm not full of much inspiration today, so I'm just going to say this: Stay strong, my darlings <3

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Drowning Life

Here is a poem that I wrote....tell me what you think. I hope you enjoy it.


I am sorry that my eyes
No longer light up
No longer burn
When you are near
For I have lost
Lost more than you
You who are loved
Could ever know

My eyes are blank
They stop and stare
Now shadowed and dark
Not bright and fair
Chilling water consumes
Smothering life and desire
The ice freezes
Obstructing all emotions
I am sorry that my eyes
Lie unresponsive in your gaze
They are in a cage

I have been transformed
Once a creature of air and flame
Now of ice and rock
Cold, distant
A shell of what I used to be
Will you help me?
I am drowning
My life-fire is failing
Willpower is not enough
Will love be?
Can you offer me that?
Uncertainty is my enemy
One moment more
And I might be gone
I am sorry that my eyes
No longer light up
No longer burn
When you are near
I am now devoid of emotions
You are too late.

CLEANING!!!!

I woke up this morning, stumbled out of bed, and almost tripped over a pile of laundry and broke my neck.

Guess what guys???? It's a cleaning day!!! My parents are coming home tonight, and I gotta make the house cleaner, because right now it's driving me insane. If I had my druthers, my house would always be neat and organized. Unfortunately, my mom and my sister are absolutely CRAZY and if I tried to always keep the house clean, I would do nothing except clean up after those two. I'm sorry, but that's not exactly how I like to live life. So, usually I keep my little corner of the house spotless, and then I let other people in the house take care of their own mess. That means letting everything pile up everywhere, basically, so I usually just have to leave my house a lot when it gets like this. Now, it's just unacceptable, so I'm going to clean it!

I hope that little rant about my home-life wasn't too boring/confusing.

Anyhoo, the bright side about cleaning my house is that I am so busy cleaning everything up that I just forget to eat. It's awesome.

Yesterday I went for a long walk, and I ended up running home because I couldn't stand the thundering drum of my thighs banging together any longer. It wasn't good. I wish I could just fast-forward to skinny, so that my thighs no longer fight over the limited amount of space between them.

Let me hear your voices.

Starve on, lovies. Stay strong <3

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Crashing waves

Hello dear ones,
In reference to my afore-mentioned fast, I would just like to say that I was very successful :) not a single food item crossed my lips for the entire day, and for that I was quite proud. It reminded me how happy I am when I am empty. I was taking a Calculus test the other day, and since I had had half a yogurt for breakfast, my stomach went to town digesting it, and every time my stomach made a noise I wanted to giggle with glee.

Today I went to the beach with my sister, and while she took pictures I just walked along the shore. She ate the lunch that we had brought, but the waves, as they crashed, seemed to say "resist....resist..." and so I did. Since our parents our out of town, we're going to a little Indian restaurant for dinner (I know, we're so badass :P haha), and I have promised myself that I will eat half a pice of naan and nothing else. It will be blissful :)

Today and the other day, however, have been my good days. It is so hard to live the way I want when I still live with my sister and my parents. As soon as I leave for college, everything will turn around for me. I just know it. I can feel it in my bones. No one will know me there, no one will know whether or not I've eaten. I'll just be that beautiful thin girl that turns heads as I walk down the sidewalk. I'll be sculpted out of delicate glass and ivory. I'll be perfect.

On a completely unrelated note, I got a letter from my pen pal (I know, I'm a geek for having a pen pal, but it is so nice to talk to someone out of the context in which I live. It is quite liberating). She lives in a small town in Great Britain, for which I am envious. I have always wanted to go there.

I hope you are all doing wonderfully. Let me hear your voices. Remind me that I am not speaking empty words into the shadowy depths of technology.

Starve on, my lovelies. Stay strong <3

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

....

Why is it so hard to do this? I've had a rough couple of days....more later.

Fasting today. I WILL succeed.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

aaaaaaaaaaaaaand she's back on track!

Hello loves!
Guess what????? I start school again tomorrow. What does that mean? That is one meal right smack in the middle of the day that I can tell my friends I'm eating later and I can tell my parents I ate before. WOOT WOOT! I actually don't know why I am so excited about that....maybe because with my whole family being home again, it's been harder and harder to skip meals or take small portions. But I solved my problem: no breakfast, no lunch, small dinner = BEST SOLUTION EVER. I think i'm a genius. okay okay, maybe I shouldn't get so ahead of myself, but I'm just in a good mood today :) I dropped 3 pounds from yesterday morning to this morning, so that's cause for celebration.

I did super well with my grandparents in Montana, and thank you Ashley for the good luck wish :) I had half a cup of Kashi cereal for breakfast each morning, with no milk, no lunch, and then I was just taking small amounts for dinner. I totaled at about 400 calories a day :D The weather there was terrible though, which made me sad. We were staying on a lake, and we had to stay inside the tent for pretty much the whole time. How lame is that?? No tubing, no fishing, no swimming, just sitting in a tent. Unfortunately, my twin (I'll call her K for privacy's sake) did not do as well as I on the restricting front. She was told by her ballet instructor that if she wanted to be chosen for the company, she had to lose weight, so rather than taking that advice to heart, she pigged out like she always does when we go to Montana. I just feel so bad, because she would notice how little I was eating and then she would alternate getting mad at me and getting mad at herself, so that made the trip a little tense. I love her so much, and I hope that she can get her diet under control (not in the same way as me, I wouldn't wish this craziness on her) so she can do whatever she wants with her dance career. She deserves the world.

So I have a nice concrete time for when I am going to reach 114. I am going to a Paramore concert with one of my college friends in mid-September, and I have an outfit that will look absolutely smashing on me at a lower weight, although if I could be lower than 114 then I would be even happier.

Gahhhhhhh is it crazy that my life is centered around how much I eat and how much I weigh? Maybe. All I know is that I am happiest when my stomach is empty. I feel like a feather, I could do anything, float anywhere, free as a bird, high as a kite. When I am empty, I am strong. Strong enough to take on the world.

Let me hear your voices.

Starve on, loves. Stay strong <3

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

HELLO!!!!

I promise, dear readers, that I have not died. I have simply been distracted for quite some time. For a little bit there, I was doing terribly, and I was not allowing myself to go online to check other blogs, as a sort of punishment. Then I realized, that is the stupidest idea i have ever had in my life!!!! People post these blogs to reach out to the rest of us, to show that we are a community, and we are all here for each other, through good times and bad.

Also, since I finally have followers, I thought I could tell you a little bit about myself, and my eating disorder. My eating disorder developed from a diet gone wrong, my freshman year in high school. I was counting calories, which is customary in any diet, but I was horrified to see how many calories each thing I ate was. As I added the numbers in my head, my daily intake started to scare me. So I restricted. and restricted. And restricted, until finally I was eating no more than 400 or 500 calories a day. That still seemed (still seems) like a lot. I wished I could live off of "air and sunshine". I didn't want to be dependent on those terrible calories. But here's the kicker. I was (until about 4 weeks ago) a nationally ranked Level 10 gymnast. One day, I was on bars, with my coach spotting me, and when I went upside down and he held me in a handstand, he said he could feel my ribs in my back. I was so happy, because I was making tangible progress! Then, two days later, I fainted on floor in the middle of a routine. BUSTED. Sure I had been getting light headed on a day to day basis, and I would crash every day after my 4 hour gymnastics workout, but it was never in public, where others could see me. so, sure enough, my parents took me to the doctor, who was horrified at my appearance, and I was not allowed to go to gymnastics until I got back up to at least a disgusting 120 lbs. Now, I do not know if any of you have ever participated in a sport that you love so much that you go crazy when you can't do it, but that's how gymnastics was for me. So, my parents found the carrot that would make me eat. They would let me go to gymnastics, and I, in return, would eat three meals a day. There was a lot more drama in there than I am saying, but I would rather leave some details to myself....

So, enough about my disturbing spiral into my current weight predicament. These past few weeks have been...interesting. I found that my biggest downfall are vacations and traveling. Last week, I was doing research in Bishop, CA. This entailed a lot of hiking, so hungry people were running the research station. Meals and parties with lots and lots and lots of food were quite thick on the ground. I was good for about 4 days, and then I cracked, and immediately hated myself for it. So the pattern would go something like this: no breakfast, no lunch, lots of hiking, big party with lots of good food, where I would indulge. I did not gain any weight, thank god, but I was not sleeping because apparently I am not accustomed to sleeping with a full stomach anymore. I felt sick every single night.

This week has been so much better because I am finally home. I can have my wonderful rice cake with hot sauce for brunch, and then eat a tiny bit of dressing-less salad for dinner. Anyone ever read the book Wintergirls? It's fantastic. Thats where I got the idea for the rice cake with hot sauce. You are eating and simultaneously punishing yourself for doing so.

I am not going to say my weight right now, because I am trying to focus on the positives. These past couple of days, with my successful restricting, I have been watching a TON of movies. My favorite two for thinspiration have been The Runaways and Pride and Prejudice. Dakota Fanning, despite being only 16, is beautiful and ethereally thin as the troubled, young Cherie Currie. Kiera Knightly, aka Elizabeth Bennet and my idol, looks so beautiful in all of her gowns it makes you want to cry. So, I have been immersed in thinspiration, hoping I can use the overload as a talisman against the looming weekend, when I will be going to Montana to visit my Grandfather, who believes that a well-balanced meal is a good portion of Texas Straw Hats. If you don't know what that is, it is a fatty chili with cheese toppled on top of a bed of Frito chips. EW. Wish me luck!

Wow, this was a long entry. I hope it holds you all over until next week, when I'll be able to update again. I dearly hope that I can stay strong when I am with the family this weekend.

Let me hear your voices.

Starve on, lovies. Stay strong <3