I AM A FUCKING FAILURE

I know I don't have many followers (I think right now I have just one, and I am eternally grateful that someone is there), but I could really use some support right now. I know I said I wouldn't post until I got to my second goal weight, but I got suuuuper stuck.

This weekend I was at a 4-day, intensive volleyball camp. It was absolutely insane, and I was dying by the end of each day because I was working out for pretty much 12 hours straight. And here's the amazing part: I hardly ate anything FOR 4 DAYS. I had cereal for breakfast (90 cals), a couple strawberries at lunch, and nothing for dinner. That's all I ate for four f'cking days (except for my wonderful diet coke, I'd be lost without you!). And guess what???? I stepped on the scale this morning, and I'm at the fucking lardo weight of 133!! I gained back five pounds, after all of that discipline!!!!!!

I'm not going to lie, I broke down in tears. I felt so defeated. But this has taught me something: If this is what is going to happen to me, then I don't deserve to eat. Starting tonight I am going on a major fast, with just water. I don't know how long it will last, but at this point I want to keep going forever. I don't want to look in the mirror. I don't want to step on the scale. I'm such a fucking failure. I don't deserve to eat. I do not deserve to eat. I DO NOT DESERVE TO EAT. I have to keep telling myself that, because the small child in me just wants to give up completely. I will be strong. I WILL NOT EAT.

Stay beautiful, strong, and determined. Don't let my failures deter you from what you want, because I KNOW you are amazing, and you have all of my support and a lot more.

Let me hear your voices.

Starve on, loves <3

just a little update....

so, ive decided that i am going to stay away from my blogs until i reach my next goal weight, as a sort of incentive. last weekend (4th of july holiday) was a HUGE disaster. i didnt binge, per say, but i did eat a lot more than i needed, partially because it was my birthday weekend as well and people were practically shoving cake down my throat.

speaking of cake....any harry potter fans out there? well, if you're reading this, let me know, cuz i had the most amazing birthday cake ever. since i turned 17 last week, i had my family make a cake in the shape of a golden snitch, like harry potter's 17th birthday cake. I promise, I am not usually this much of a geek, but when it comes to Harry Potter, I'm there :D

So I ate one piece of cake because everyone was watching, but I didn't eat anything else for the rest of the day. I just chugged the water, so no one suspected anything. The day after my birthday, though, was pretty tough.

My twin sister is a ballet dancer, and she's super skinny. When we went to go get food at this picnic for the 4th, I took less food than her, and she flipped. She was like "if you want to lose weight, not eating hardly anything isn't the way to do it...." and then she put some of the food she had grabbed back. it broke my heart. I don't want to drag her into this dark spiral of my eating disorder. but since she's the ballet dancer, she has it in her head that she HAS to be skinnier than me, and I'm afraid she'll go to unhealthy measures to keep up with me. As soon as she sees that I weigh less than her, I know she'll do something drastic. She has always been super competitive, it's just her nature.......I just dearly hope she restrains from participating in this particular "competition".

Anyways, I know that no one is reading this, but like I said before, it better to release these pent-up thoughts into the shadows of the Internet than have them cloud my mind.

Starve on, loves. Stay strong.

<3