Raw Food

Hello lovlies!

Long time no post, I know.  I've been trying to catch up in school recently.  I had to give all of my attention to this Calculus exam because I failed the last one.  If I failed this one, chances are that my acceptance to college would be rescinded.  That would be bad.  I need to get out of here, and college is my ticket out.

But, luckily I got an A on that test, so all is well for now...I've been staying pretty solidly in the 500 calorie range on a day to day basis.  My lovely literature teacher is getting worried about me (she's the only one at school who knows about my eating disorder), but I've been kind of blowing her off, telling her that I'm fine.  I hate lying to her; she knows that I haven't been eating.  I just hope she doesn't tell my parents.

Right now I'm trying to convince my parents to let me go on a raw food diet.  I'm pretty much doing that already, but if I make it official, it means that they can't give me a hard time for just eating some celery or carrots.  I'll have the excuse: "I'm not allowed to eat that other stuff."  They are hesitant to let me, but I think they're caving.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Do you ever just feel like you hate your life?  I've been feeling like that for the past few months.  And it's not like the "I'm mad at everyone, life is awful, it needs to go die in a hole" kind of hate.  I've just been so depressed that I have trouble getting up in the morning, or doing anything.  I just feel so dejected and defeated all the time, and it's starting to take it's toll.  My life has become monotonous.  Sometimes as I'm falling asleep, I feel tears running down my cheeks onto my pillow without even realizing that I'm crying.  I have nothing to look forward to anymore, except for that next goal weight on the scale.  Even when I do "fun" or "relaxing" things with my sister, I am constantly thinking about how I don't deserve to have fun or relax, because I'm too fat/stupid/lazy/awful/ugly....I don't feel alive anymore.

I hope that you all are not tired of my pathetic ramblings.  Nevertheless, I'm going to keep posting them.  I have nowhere else to go.

"Tired of trying, sick of crying...yes I'm smiling, but inside I'm dying."

Stay strong <3