I broke a promise.

It is official. I am a horrible person.
I haven't talked about J on here in awhile, but basically he's my best friend.  Or was, until I told him that I cut my wrists again tonight, after promising him that if I had the knife in my hand again, I would call him and have him talk me out of it.  Now he is pissed at me, and I think he's just upset, but this has happened before and I've completely ruined his trust in me.  I've wadded it up and thrown it in his face.  Then stomped on it and spit on it for good measure.  He says he doesn't know if he can forgive me for this.  He just keeps asking me why, and I don't have a good enough answer for him.  He doesn't understand that, for me, responding with "I ate too much at dinner" is a perfectly viable reason to turn my arm into mincemeat.
I don't know what I'm going to do without him.  It's hard enough that we're living on opposite sides of the country right now, but if he shuts me out of his life.....I don't know how I'll cope.
My left arm currently has more cuts than skin, it seems like.  I almost had to call my friend Eric to help me bandage it up because it wouldn't stop bleeding and I couldn't do it with one hand.  That's the low that I've reached.
I think I'll fast tomorrow.
Oh god, what will I do without him?
Trying so hard not to break down right now, guys.  I'm only being mildly successful.