I'm sooooooo messed up :P

Hello my lovelies!!!! I have missed you.

Sorry for being AWOL this past week, I've just been under a watchful eye, and any attempt to get on the computer has been thwarted by homework, my parents, or my sister. blehhhhhh. But I don't have any homework today, and my parents won't be home for awhile, and I just dropped my sister off at school, so I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!! hahaha

Being away from you guys is actually pretty hard for me. Is that bad? Probably, but whatever, I don't really care. When I'm not reading your posts or anything, the walls start to close in and I feel completely lost. I feel weak, but you all give me strength, and for that I love you <3

I have a couple of things to talk about.....FIRST I would just like to say that I have not binged at all since my last post, so that is something to be proud of. However, I haven't been restricting as much as I'd like. I haven't been able to exercise that much because usually I go for runs and it's too cold outside now to do that. I'm researching gyms where I can go use the cardio machines on a regular basis, so that should help. Too bad the memberships are so fucking expensive, I'm going to have to ask my parents to help pay. Hopefully there won't be too many questions asked....If there are, well, then I'll just tell them that I'm trying to stay in shape. After quitting gymnastics, that has become increasingly difficult, and my metabolism is slowing down because I'm losing my lean muscle. Got to get it back!

On another note, I would just like to say that I am saving up for a trip to Europe for the end of my senior year. I'm thinking I'll go to either Ireland or England, I'm not sure yet. If I went to England I'd probably go somewhere in the country, in Kent or near the Peak District. I know that sounds kind of touristy, but I kind of have an obsession with the British countryside. Also, I know someone who lives in Dublin who says that it's beautiful there, so I'm torn between the two. Any suggestions? And this is just assuming that I actually am able to acquire the money to make such a trip...

Lastly, I am having boy issues. So, this is going to sound pathetic, and I give you permission to laugh at me, but I can't really mention this to anyone else and I am just DYING to tell someone. Soooooo....there's this guy. His name is not important, so for the purpose of me telling you this, we shall call him S. I have known S for 6 years, and I have had a crush on him for about 5 of those years. Here's the kicker: I haven't seen him in 4 years. Pathetic, right? How can I like a guy that I never see? Still, it seems to be the dilemma that I am facing. Oh, and by the way, I'm not obsessed with him or anything. The reason that this little crush has gone on for so long is that every time we talk, on the phone or online, I'm just like "Damn, this guys is so awesome and amazing. WTF?!" Another thing is, he used to have a huge thing for my sister. Great confidence booster, right? pssh. He is beautifully handsome, tall, funny, incredibly smart, witty, sarcastic, he has great taste in music, we can talk for hours on end.....the list just keeps going. And every time I meet a new guy, I always compare him to S. It's ridiculous. For the past 4 years we have been trying to hang out together, but something always comes up; I had a gymnastics meet, he had a triathalon (oh yea....he's an athletic beast), his mom wouldn't let him come to this wine bottling thing....it's bee a nightmare. So, on my birthday this year, he calls me and goes "Hey, so we REALLY need to actually hang out this year, because this is getting ridiculous." My heart flutters, but then I face the reality that nothing will ever come of this, so I just answered vaguely, "Yeah, that would be cool." FML, I need to forget about him. bleh.

Sorry for that really long rant that barely makes any sense. I've been holding it inside for awhile. Thanks for reading! haha I hope you don't think I'm crazy now :P Well, actually, I am, but hopefully you don't think less of me for it.

Love you all! Stay strong, my lovelies <3