So, I had a quote-off for King Lear in my English class today...I would just like to say that my friend K and I won! Yesssss....
But, since we were having a competition, of course someone brought food. Now, I had gotten out of breakfast with my mother by saying I was going to eat at school, and I got out of lunch with my friends by saying I needed to talk to my English teacher, but I was trapped in the room for the whole class. So I ate. I ate two muffins. TWO FUCKING MUFFINS. Two of them. WTF??? Where did the control that I was maintaining all this week go? Needless to say, I am NOT going to eat anything else today. I'll drink some detox tea to get it all out of my system, but there with be no breakfast tomorrow. Or lunch. Or dinner. That's right, ladies, I'm planning a fast! I want to see how long I can go on just tea and water, because my past record was a week. I want to do the whole month of October, but that's unreasonable. I cannot set goals that are impossible to achieve, because then I will have no motivation to meet them. I'll reach and reach and reach for that finish line until I pass out from the effort, and then once I regain consciousness I'll keep on crawling.
Anyone want to join me?
Stay strong, sweet peas <3
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Hello.
So I've been doing really well in the area of eating, I would just like to say. I think I told you guys already, but my dad is away in Singapore for the entire week, so things are really chill and not so family centered this week. My mom is working to get a grant submitted by the end of the week, so she's been staying at work until 11:30-12:00, which means my sister and I get to make our own dinners. Well, she makes her dinner, and I just sit and read/do homework :D I haven't had lunch this week at all, and the past two nights I have gone to bed without dinner. I am only having half a Fage yogurt every morning for breakfast (45 calories) plus a little bit of Kashi cereal (90 calories), and that has been holding me over for pretty much the whole day. When I start getting hungry, I drink a bunch of water, and when I start getting a little calorie crazed towards the end of the day, I just go and curl up in my bed and fall asleep. It's been a nice little routine :)
OH! So I was talking to S yesterday, on the phone, and he told me the most outrageous thing. So, I forget if I've already said this, but the reason that S and I never hang out or see each other is because I moved about 5 years ago. But guess what I found out yesterday???? He comes by where I live EVERY WEEKEND. I have a school literally a block from my house, and he goes there every saturday and sunday for orchestra. I was like "You knew I lived there, why didn't you call me???????" I was a little pissed, but I kind of did the same thing to him two days ago...I was actually on his school campus, and he was there (even though I didn't know he was), and I forgot to call him. He ranted at me for about half and hour after he found out :P I guess it's even now. Anyhoo, the point of that rant is to tell you all that I will probably be seeing him on Sunday :)
Alright my darlings, it is that time again when I must bid you adieu.
Stay strong my lovelies <3
So I've been doing really well in the area of eating, I would just like to say. I think I told you guys already, but my dad is away in Singapore for the entire week, so things are really chill and not so family centered this week. My mom is working to get a grant submitted by the end of the week, so she's been staying at work until 11:30-12:00, which means my sister and I get to make our own dinners. Well, she makes her dinner, and I just sit and read/do homework :D I haven't had lunch this week at all, and the past two nights I have gone to bed without dinner. I am only having half a Fage yogurt every morning for breakfast (45 calories) plus a little bit of Kashi cereal (90 calories), and that has been holding me over for pretty much the whole day. When I start getting hungry, I drink a bunch of water, and when I start getting a little calorie crazed towards the end of the day, I just go and curl up in my bed and fall asleep. It's been a nice little routine :)
OH! So I was talking to S yesterday, on the phone, and he told me the most outrageous thing. So, I forget if I've already said this, but the reason that S and I never hang out or see each other is because I moved about 5 years ago. But guess what I found out yesterday???? He comes by where I live EVERY WEEKEND. I have a school literally a block from my house, and he goes there every saturday and sunday for orchestra. I was like "You knew I lived there, why didn't you call me???????" I was a little pissed, but I kind of did the same thing to him two days ago...I was actually on his school campus, and he was there (even though I didn't know he was), and I forgot to call him. He ranted at me for about half and hour after he found out :P I guess it's even now. Anyhoo, the point of that rant is to tell you all that I will probably be seeing him on Sunday :)
Alright my darlings, it is that time again when I must bid you adieu.
Stay strong my lovelies <3
Monday, September 27, 2010
FREAK OUT!
Something really scary happened to me today in my Calculus class. I was sitting in the back, taking notes and doing homework, when all of a sudden my heart just took off. I don't know what caused it, but all of a sudden my breath was coming in short gasps, my hands were shaking so badly that I couldn't write anything, and I started seeing black spots in my vision. I almost fell out of my seat, I was so dizzy. But those things were nothing compared to my heart. It was beating as fast as the blades of a helicopter turning. I have heard that after someone has a bypass surgery on their heart, you can feel it beating for months afterwards because they cut off the tissue surrounding the heart that muffles the thumping. I imagine what I felt today was something close to that unmuffled pounding. I thought that it was going to literally pound through my rib cage and onto my desk in front of me. It was terrifying.
Of course, no one noticed, and it went on through the rest of the class. I had to stay in at lunch because I could barely stand, so I couldn't get up out of my seat. That meant that I didn't have to deal with my "friends" harassing me about my lack of eating, but honestly I would have rather sat through that than what had happened.
What happened to me??? All I know is that if I'm going to pass out, I hope it never happens like that again.
In other news, I had to go to the doctor today. hip hip hooray. She commented on how much weight I had lost, smiling tightly, and since I'm not 18, I know she's going to call my mom and tell her. I'll have my favorite comeback ready for her, though:
Mom- So Dr. B says you're losing weight again. Honey, I'm nervous, are you going back to your old habits?
Me- Do I look anorexic?
She'll sigh, shake her head, and then drop the subject. Her confirmation that I don't look skinny enough will give my determination a good shot of energy, and it will simultaneously console her. :)
I hope that you all are doing wonderfully.
Stay strong, my lovelies <3
Of course, no one noticed, and it went on through the rest of the class. I had to stay in at lunch because I could barely stand, so I couldn't get up out of my seat. That meant that I didn't have to deal with my "friends" harassing me about my lack of eating, but honestly I would have rather sat through that than what had happened.
What happened to me??? All I know is that if I'm going to pass out, I hope it never happens like that again.
In other news, I had to go to the doctor today. hip hip hooray. She commented on how much weight I had lost, smiling tightly, and since I'm not 18, I know she's going to call my mom and tell her. I'll have my favorite comeback ready for her, though:
Mom- So Dr. B says you're losing weight again. Honey, I'm nervous, are you going back to your old habits?
Me- Do I look anorexic?
She'll sigh, shake her head, and then drop the subject. Her confirmation that I don't look skinny enough will give my determination a good shot of energy, and it will simultaneously console her. :)
I hope that you all are doing wonderfully.
Stay strong, my lovelies <3
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Home Alone, finally....
Hello lovies!
So, my sister is at an all-day concert today, my dad has left for singapore for a week, and my mom is working late tonight, so I get my house to myself! Yaaaaay :) This means I can blast music, dance around, and not eat. It's going to be a wonderful day.
I am actually working on my University applications, so that's nerve wracking. I'm supposed to fill out this resume thingy for the people who are writing my letters of recommendation, and it's taking FOREVER. I swear, I didn't know I had so many accomplishments to record! Most of them I think are pretty much BS to include, but my mom thinks I should have them there, so I'm working at it. Then I'm starting my essays :P Do you know how hard it is to write only 250 words that will decide whether or not you get into the university? Probably. It's absolute insanity! 1,000 words would be easier, but no, I get to restrict myself to all of two paragraphs. This is silly.
BRRRRRRR It's about 32 degrees c outside, but inside my house it's like a frickin' icebox!!! I think I'll go for a walk, maybe go to the drugstore and get some hair dye....or I could go for a run. Either way, I need to go outside before I get frostbite from sitting in my house!
Oh, just a little update, S and I have figured out a time to hang out...keep your fingers crossed for me and hope he doesn't cancel again.
Starve on, lovelies. Stay strong <3
So, my sister is at an all-day concert today, my dad has left for singapore for a week, and my mom is working late tonight, so I get my house to myself! Yaaaaay :) This means I can blast music, dance around, and not eat. It's going to be a wonderful day.
I am actually working on my University applications, so that's nerve wracking. I'm supposed to fill out this resume thingy for the people who are writing my letters of recommendation, and it's taking FOREVER. I swear, I didn't know I had so many accomplishments to record! Most of them I think are pretty much BS to include, but my mom thinks I should have them there, so I'm working at it. Then I'm starting my essays :P Do you know how hard it is to write only 250 words that will decide whether or not you get into the university? Probably. It's absolute insanity! 1,000 words would be easier, but no, I get to restrict myself to all of two paragraphs. This is silly.
BRRRRRRR It's about 32 degrees c outside, but inside my house it's like a frickin' icebox!!! I think I'll go for a walk, maybe go to the drugstore and get some hair dye....or I could go for a run. Either way, I need to go outside before I get frostbite from sitting in my house!
Oh, just a little update, S and I have figured out a time to hang out...keep your fingers crossed for me and hope he doesn't cancel again.
Starve on, lovelies. Stay strong <3
Monday, September 20, 2010
I'm sooooooo messed up :P
Hello my lovelies!!!! I have missed you.
Sorry for being AWOL this past week, I've just been under a watchful eye, and any attempt to get on the computer has been thwarted by homework, my parents, or my sister. blehhhhhh. But I don't have any homework today, and my parents won't be home for awhile, and I just dropped my sister off at school, so I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!! hahaha
Being away from you guys is actually pretty hard for me. Is that bad? Probably, but whatever, I don't really care. When I'm not reading your posts or anything, the walls start to close in and I feel completely lost. I feel weak, but you all give me strength, and for that I love you <3
I have a couple of things to talk about.....FIRST I would just like to say that I have not binged at all since my last post, so that is something to be proud of. However, I haven't been restricting as much as I'd like. I haven't been able to exercise that much because usually I go for runs and it's too cold outside now to do that. I'm researching gyms where I can go use the cardio machines on a regular basis, so that should help. Too bad the memberships are so fucking expensive, I'm going to have to ask my parents to help pay. Hopefully there won't be too many questions asked....If there are, well, then I'll just tell them that I'm trying to stay in shape. After quitting gymnastics, that has become increasingly difficult, and my metabolism is slowing down because I'm losing my lean muscle. Got to get it back!
On another note, I would just like to say that I am saving up for a trip to Europe for the end of my senior year. I'm thinking I'll go to either Ireland or England, I'm not sure yet. If I went to England I'd probably go somewhere in the country, in Kent or near the Peak District. I know that sounds kind of touristy, but I kind of have an obsession with the British countryside. Also, I know someone who lives in Dublin who says that it's beautiful there, so I'm torn between the two. Any suggestions? And this is just assuming that I actually am able to acquire the money to make such a trip...
Lastly, I am having boy issues. So, this is going to sound pathetic, and I give you permission to laugh at me, but I can't really mention this to anyone else and I am just DYING to tell someone. Soooooo....there's this guy. His name is not important, so for the purpose of me telling you this, we shall call him S. I have known S for 6 years, and I have had a crush on him for about 5 of those years. Here's the kicker: I haven't seen him in 4 years. Pathetic, right? How can I like a guy that I never see? Still, it seems to be the dilemma that I am facing. Oh, and by the way, I'm not obsessed with him or anything. The reason that this little crush has gone on for so long is that every time we talk, on the phone or online, I'm just like "Damn, this guys is so awesome and amazing. WTF?!" Another thing is, he used to have a huge thing for my sister. Great confidence booster, right? pssh. He is beautifully handsome, tall, funny, incredibly smart, witty, sarcastic, he has great taste in music, we can talk for hours on end.....the list just keeps going. And every time I meet a new guy, I always compare him to S. It's ridiculous. For the past 4 years we have been trying to hang out together, but something always comes up; I had a gymnastics meet, he had a triathalon (oh yea....he's an athletic beast), his mom wouldn't let him come to this wine bottling thing....it's bee a nightmare. So, on my birthday this year, he calls me and goes "Hey, so we REALLY need to actually hang out this year, because this is getting ridiculous." My heart flutters, but then I face the reality that nothing will ever come of this, so I just answered vaguely, "Yeah, that would be cool." FML, I need to forget about him. bleh.
Sorry for that really long rant that barely makes any sense. I've been holding it inside for awhile. Thanks for reading! haha I hope you don't think I'm crazy now :P Well, actually, I am, but hopefully you don't think less of me for it.
Love you all! Stay strong, my lovelies <3
Sorry for being AWOL this past week, I've just been under a watchful eye, and any attempt to get on the computer has been thwarted by homework, my parents, or my sister. blehhhhhh. But I don't have any homework today, and my parents won't be home for awhile, and I just dropped my sister off at school, so I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!! hahaha
Being away from you guys is actually pretty hard for me. Is that bad? Probably, but whatever, I don't really care. When I'm not reading your posts or anything, the walls start to close in and I feel completely lost. I feel weak, but you all give me strength, and for that I love you <3
I have a couple of things to talk about.....FIRST I would just like to say that I have not binged at all since my last post, so that is something to be proud of. However, I haven't been restricting as much as I'd like. I haven't been able to exercise that much because usually I go for runs and it's too cold outside now to do that. I'm researching gyms where I can go use the cardio machines on a regular basis, so that should help. Too bad the memberships are so fucking expensive, I'm going to have to ask my parents to help pay. Hopefully there won't be too many questions asked....If there are, well, then I'll just tell them that I'm trying to stay in shape. After quitting gymnastics, that has become increasingly difficult, and my metabolism is slowing down because I'm losing my lean muscle. Got to get it back!
On another note, I would just like to say that I am saving up for a trip to Europe for the end of my senior year. I'm thinking I'll go to either Ireland or England, I'm not sure yet. If I went to England I'd probably go somewhere in the country, in Kent or near the Peak District. I know that sounds kind of touristy, but I kind of have an obsession with the British countryside. Also, I know someone who lives in Dublin who says that it's beautiful there, so I'm torn between the two. Any suggestions? And this is just assuming that I actually am able to acquire the money to make such a trip...
Lastly, I am having boy issues. So, this is going to sound pathetic, and I give you permission to laugh at me, but I can't really mention this to anyone else and I am just DYING to tell someone. Soooooo....there's this guy. His name is not important, so for the purpose of me telling you this, we shall call him S. I have known S for 6 years, and I have had a crush on him for about 5 of those years. Here's the kicker: I haven't seen him in 4 years. Pathetic, right? How can I like a guy that I never see? Still, it seems to be the dilemma that I am facing. Oh, and by the way, I'm not obsessed with him or anything. The reason that this little crush has gone on for so long is that every time we talk, on the phone or online, I'm just like "Damn, this guys is so awesome and amazing. WTF?!" Another thing is, he used to have a huge thing for my sister. Great confidence booster, right? pssh. He is beautifully handsome, tall, funny, incredibly smart, witty, sarcastic, he has great taste in music, we can talk for hours on end.....the list just keeps going. And every time I meet a new guy, I always compare him to S. It's ridiculous. For the past 4 years we have been trying to hang out together, but something always comes up; I had a gymnastics meet, he had a triathalon (oh yea....he's an athletic beast), his mom wouldn't let him come to this wine bottling thing....it's bee a nightmare. So, on my birthday this year, he calls me and goes "Hey, so we REALLY need to actually hang out this year, because this is getting ridiculous." My heart flutters, but then I face the reality that nothing will ever come of this, so I just answered vaguely, "Yeah, that would be cool." FML, I need to forget about him. bleh.
Sorry for that really long rant that barely makes any sense. I've been holding it inside for awhile. Thanks for reading! haha I hope you don't think I'm crazy now :P Well, actually, I am, but hopefully you don't think less of me for it.
Love you all! Stay strong, my lovelies <3
Thursday, September 9, 2010
:'(
I don't know if it's the being sick that's getting to me, or what, but I'm super sad right now. My dad said something that hurt really bad.
So basically, he gave me a hug, and he said "Wow, your as skinny as your sister was!" Then, he gives my sister a hug and says, "And your way skinnier than she is!"
Maybe I am just overreacting. Probably. But I am just upset. And what do I do when I'm upset and frustrated about my weight? I vent to you guys :) Thanks for reading my nonsensical ramblings.
Stay strong, beautifuls. <3
So basically, he gave me a hug, and he said "Wow, your as skinny as your sister was!" Then, he gives my sister a hug and says, "And your way skinnier than she is!"
Maybe I am just overreacting. Probably. But I am just upset. And what do I do when I'm upset and frustrated about my weight? I vent to you guys :) Thanks for reading my nonsensical ramblings.
Stay strong, beautifuls. <3
I'm sick
Hi my lovelies....
I'm sick. Like super sick. This always happens at the beginning of the school year because the stupid freshmen bring new germs with them, and since I have a terrible immune system, I'm pretty much fucked for the next three weeks. Bleh.
The good thing about being sick is I have an appetite of about zero, and I have a logical excuse not to eat. But thats pretty much the only thing. Right now, I'm currently curled up on the couch under a million blankets with cup of steaming hot tea in my hands.
I hope you all are doing well.
Stay strong, beautiful girls! <3
I'm sick. Like super sick. This always happens at the beginning of the school year because the stupid freshmen bring new germs with them, and since I have a terrible immune system, I'm pretty much fucked for the next three weeks. Bleh.
The good thing about being sick is I have an appetite of about zero, and I have a logical excuse not to eat. But thats pretty much the only thing. Right now, I'm currently curled up on the couch under a million blankets with cup of steaming hot tea in my hands.
I hope you all are doing well.
Stay strong, beautiful girls! <3
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
WTF
three pounds.
It's just three pounds.
Why does it feel like fifty?
Three fucking pounds.
That's above the wonderful goal weight that I had just reached. I'm tired of this crap, making excuses for myself. This weekend, I binged and binged and binged and I did not stop. I could not. I shoved marshmallows and s'mores into my fat mouth, with the chocolate dribbling down my chin like some demented sticky drool. It was disgusting. Chips. Cheese. Pizza. It is all haunting me, my mistakes reverberating through my skull like the thunderous crashing of my thighs banging together.
Ever time this happens, there is always some excuse. "I was with my family," "I am on vacation," or "I just exercised a bunch, I can have a little bit more to eat. I can take it."
NO NO NO you CANNOT take it!
After every meal this weekend I ran back to my room and cried cried cried. Rain poured down my face. I tried tried tried to purge, but I couldn't. I never can. My throat closes up and I freak out, and that's it. I left my emergency laxies at home, so all I could do was sit there and feel the sludge of sugar and fat slowly move through my veins. I couldn't go for a run because of where I was. I did a million sit-ups, and I walked walked walked. But I still gained those three pounds.
THREE FUCKING POUNDS.
So, what happened this weekend was a holiday. It entailed a giant party that pretty much lasted all weekend, with friends and family up at the property that my parents own. And of course, because I am so freaking weak, I gave in to all of the food. FML.
I'm sure you are done hearing me whine about my pitiful attempts to stay strong, so I shall bore you all with some other ramblings.
On a slightly happier note, I am reading King Lear in my English class. I love Shakespeare, so of course I've already read it, but I love talking about it.
Today I decided that I needed another good dose of Keira Knightly thinspo, so I've been watching Pride and Prejudice. Again. For about the billionth time. I love that book too. Any Austen fans out there?
Last, but most certainly not least, I would just like to devote a section here to the beloved quinn. who wrote the beautiful thoughts under "Story of a Paper Hearted Girl." For those of you who read her posts, you will know that we almost lost her on Sunday. I actually cried with joy when I found out that she was okay...well, as okay as she can be in her situation. I ask you all to keep her in your thoughts and send her as much love as you can. She is no longer posting on her page, but any happy thoughts will be a good thing. As someone who has gone through a frighteningly similar situation, I hope that she gets herself well again. I will miss reading her poetic writing, and I hope that I will get to read her posts again someday.
That is all, for now. Goodnight, my sweetums. Dream wonderful dreams of life and happiness.
Stay strong, my lovelies <3
It's just three pounds.
Why does it feel like fifty?
Three fucking pounds.
That's above the wonderful goal weight that I had just reached. I'm tired of this crap, making excuses for myself. This weekend, I binged and binged and binged and I did not stop. I could not. I shoved marshmallows and s'mores into my fat mouth, with the chocolate dribbling down my chin like some demented sticky drool. It was disgusting. Chips. Cheese. Pizza. It is all haunting me, my mistakes reverberating through my skull like the thunderous crashing of my thighs banging together.
Ever time this happens, there is always some excuse. "I was with my family," "I am on vacation," or "I just exercised a bunch, I can have a little bit more to eat. I can take it."
NO NO NO you CANNOT take it!
After every meal this weekend I ran back to my room and cried cried cried. Rain poured down my face. I tried tried tried to purge, but I couldn't. I never can. My throat closes up and I freak out, and that's it. I left my emergency laxies at home, so all I could do was sit there and feel the sludge of sugar and fat slowly move through my veins. I couldn't go for a run because of where I was. I did a million sit-ups, and I walked walked walked. But I still gained those three pounds.
THREE FUCKING POUNDS.
So, what happened this weekend was a holiday. It entailed a giant party that pretty much lasted all weekend, with friends and family up at the property that my parents own. And of course, because I am so freaking weak, I gave in to all of the food. FML.
I'm sure you are done hearing me whine about my pitiful attempts to stay strong, so I shall bore you all with some other ramblings.
On a slightly happier note, I am reading King Lear in my English class. I love Shakespeare, so of course I've already read it, but I love talking about it.
Today I decided that I needed another good dose of Keira Knightly thinspo, so I've been watching Pride and Prejudice. Again. For about the billionth time. I love that book too. Any Austen fans out there?
Last, but most certainly not least, I would just like to devote a section here to the beloved quinn. who wrote the beautiful thoughts under "Story of a Paper Hearted Girl." For those of you who read her posts, you will know that we almost lost her on Sunday. I actually cried with joy when I found out that she was okay...well, as okay as she can be in her situation. I ask you all to keep her in your thoughts and send her as much love as you can. She is no longer posting on her page, but any happy thoughts will be a good thing. As someone who has gone through a frighteningly similar situation, I hope that she gets herself well again. I will miss reading her poetic writing, and I hope that I will get to read her posts again someday.
That is all, for now. Goodnight, my sweetums. Dream wonderful dreams of life and happiness.
Stay strong, my lovelies <3
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
2nd goal weight!!!!!
I know this has taken me forever to get to, but I have finally reached my second goal weight. I feel amazing. Not skinny enough yet, no, I still feel like I need to take a machete to my body to chop off all of the fat, but this is a good step in the right direction.
What I didn't tell you guys was that I had ballooned to close to my starting weight. I felt so bad, so disgusting, and so disappointed in myself. So I bypassed goal one again, and now I have finally reached goal 2. YAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!
I hope that I can keep this streak alive :) Love you all!!!
Starve on, my lovelies. Stay strong <3
What I didn't tell you guys was that I had ballooned to close to my starting weight. I felt so bad, so disgusting, and so disappointed in myself. So I bypassed goal one again, and now I have finally reached goal 2. YAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!
I hope that I can keep this streak alive :) Love you all!!!
Starve on, my lovelies. Stay strong <3
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