It is...a bundle of deadly contradictions: a desire for power that strips you of all power. A gesture of strength that divests you of all strength. A wish to prove that you need nothing, that you have no human hungers, which turns on itself and becomes a searing need for the hunger itself.

Reading Wasted again. Love this book.

Last Night

So I have an interesting story for you all.

Last night was my friend's birthday, so we decided that getting very drunk off of champagne and such would be a good idea.  And it was, for a little while.

But the thing is, I have been upset and on the verge of cutting for a few days now, and once my happy drunk began tapering off last night, I got very depressed.  So I grabbed my brand new razor blades and I cut.  Then I went back in and hung out with my friends, bandages on my arms. They didn't notice because they were all too drunk.

I wish that was all that happened.  After I went back in, I only stayed for about half an hour before I started to feel claustrophobic, so I grabbed the razor blades again and went and lay out on the couch.  At this point, I was tired, still drunk, and very depressed.  So I turned on Sia's "Breathe Me", took out my razor, and...well, you get it.  But basically I cut very deep.  Very deep.

I passed out on the couch in my dorm's common room, and when all of my friends came out of my room and into the common room, looking for me, they found me with a bloody razor in my hand, passed out, blood dripping from my arm and fingers onto the couch and down on the floor.  I was apparently shivering and shuddering like it was freezing out.

So yeah, that was my evening.  My friends all know about that particular issue I have now.  My one friend was crying when he found me, because I was bleeding from my wrists and I was passed out.  I ended up being the one that comforted him.

I'll post again later, my thoughts are a bit of a jumble right now.  Love you all <3

Fast=Success

Hey girlies.

I was going to post on Monday about my weekend fast, but I've been so busy and haven't had the chance to be on blogger at all, so I'm finally getting around to it.

Sooooo I lost 3.6 pounds over the weekend :) That was nice.  Not the 4 pounds I wanted, but right now with the not working out and such, I'll take what I can get.  I can't wait until I can work out again, this is driving me crazy.

Anyhoo, short post today.  I have a pack of razor blades in my desk drawer that taunt me daily, that was an impulse buy....Probably going to use them tonight.  Despite the loss, I've been feeling very dead and despondent, and at least if I cut I'll feel something.

I've been listening to Pink Floyd, and there's a line in they're song "Brain Damage" that describes how I've been feeling recently...

There's someone in my head, and it's not me.....


Stay strong, pretty girls <3

Plateau

I've hit a plateau.  My restricting isn't quite cutting it right now, so do you know what that means?  WEEKEND FAST WOOOOOO!

Already planned my intake for the day:
Breakfast: Green Tea
Lunch: Diet Coke
Dinner: Green Tea
In Between: WATER

Today and tomorrow :) and if I'm feeling up for it, I'll do it Monday too.  Finally, a concrete goal.  Gunna lose 4 pounds by the end of this weekend, I can feel it.

Love you all.

What?

I inexplicably spent two hours last night surfing the internet for sites where I could buy sleeping pills.  I haven't been suicidal for a couple of months now, but it just slithered back into my thoughts.  It was so natural to think about it.

If I just downed the bottle, I would be gone.  Floating away in a dreamless cloud.  Peaceful at last.....


Intake today....
Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit (60)
Lunch: Wheat Bagel w/ Lite Cream Cheese (WHY????.....310)
Dinner: 1 roll (80), lettuce (10), frozen yogurt (again, why?????.....88)

Total is around 700.  Not horrible, but not where I'd like to be.  I don't lose at 700, inexplicably.

Should I just escape all of this? It would be so easy.....

No, I am NOT hungry!

Haven't eaten anything today except for half of a grapefruit this morning.  60 calories.  Plus the 36 calories of supplements.  96 calories total.  It's verging on evening and my stomach is making loud noises and my head is starting to hurt.  But I am NOT hungry.  Even if my body is, I'm not.  Stupid body, can't ever do what it's told.

Sometimes I think it's easier to just fast rather than eat so little.  So much temptation to just keep eating.  But I can be strong.  I just have to keep my hands busy.  I'm currently  organizing all of the snacks that I have in my dorm room.  Sorting them by size and type of snack (sweet or salty), and then by caloric content.  Do any of you do that?  Store tons of food somewhere not so that you can eat it, but so you can have it perfectly and meticulously organized?  Maybe I should see someone about this, because that sounds like OCD to me.  Ah, well, I always knew I had that, I just never made it official.  I used to wash my hands for almost an hour, scraping away at the surface layer of skin until i had erratic scabs on the back of my hands.  That's not normal.  Oops.

After I finish organizing, I'm going to make pointless flashcards for my biology and chemistry classes.  Then I am going to write myself some quizzes to take.  Then maybe I'll vacuum.

See how good I am at the whole distraction thing?  They should give me an award.

Love you guys.

Idea?

So I keep coming across the concept of an "Ana Buddy". For those of you who may not know what it is, it's someone, from what I can tell, you can text during the day to help meet the goals for the day. Or something like that. Have any of you guys done this? What do you think? I'm debating getting someone like that....let me know what you think, and shoot me an email (listed on the side -->)if you might be interested. I'm still not sure whether I want to try it out or not, so I'm using you guys as my research :) Love you all!

Good News! Finally...

First off, I've been losing about 1/2 a pound to a pound everyday.  And that's without exercise, so yaaay for progress.  But I really do need to get to the gym, these crunches and pushups in my dorm room are annoying and awkward.

Also good news, my mother sent me a package that I just picked up, and it looks like my sister managed to slip in a bag of my favorite meal replacement drink mix.  That means I can drink that in the mornings, and then just drink lots of water and tea for the rest of the day and I'll be set!  It's only 190 calories (only....) and it fills me up so much that I don't even want to eat for the rest of the day.  I love my sister :)

Blogger is still being stupid and won't let me comment, but I promise I'm reading posts and thinking of you all.  Love you dears <3

Just Kidding, It Works

Hello lovelies.

I’m sorry that I haven’t been commenting on your posts.  I tried to several times, but either blogger or my internet wont let me for the time being.

First, I want to let you guys know that I started watching the TV show Skins yesterday, and by the second episode, I was absolutely in love with the character of Cassie.  For those of you who haven’t seen the show, Cassie is a girl of about 16 or 17 who struggles with anorexia.  She is one of the first accurate portrayals of someone with ED and other disorders that I have seen on television or in movies.  The steel determination behind the whimsical and happy facade, the little bit of crazy coming to the surface....She's a character I can relate to.


So if you follow my tumblr, that's why there have been many GIFs and pictures of her showing up on my page.


Today's damage....
Breakfast: Banana (105), Tea (0)
Lunch: Salad with spinach, kidney beans, and fat free cottage cheese (253)
Dinner: Lean Turkey Patty (100)
Snack: Seaweed Snacks (60)
Supplements: Cod Liver Oil and Vitamin C (52)
Total for the Day: 570 calories


All in all a pretty good day.  I'm going to try to do something similar tomorrow, but without the cottage cheese on the salad and green tea instead of the turkey patty.  That will bring my total around 400 calories (acceptable).  It kills me that my supplements have calories in them.  Maybe I'll avoid the seaweed snacks as well tomorrow and the calories from my supplements can count as the "snack".  I'm getting good at redistributing my calories again.  Ah, it feels good.


Part of me wants to get rid of those seemingly unnecessary calories in the supplements for good, but I know that they are helping me right now so they'll stay.


I love you all dearly.  As soon as I can comment again, you'll here from me <3

I'm sorry I can't comment or post anything right now, my internet is being stupid :(

Don't Do It.......too late.

Didn't binge, but I ate a normal amount at dinner tonight.  Even got dessert.  I don't know what I was thinking, it was more than I've eaten in over a week.

So when I got back to my dorm I went to the bathroom and purged.  Oops.

Going to the drugstore to buy razor blades tomorrow.

I gave my friend Wintergirls to read, and I just realized that I have highlighted that book and written comments in the margin, things like "I know exactly how this is," and "Lia is my thinspiration."  I hope she doesn't read the comments, I didn't remember them until after I gave them to her.

I hope you all are doing well.  I love you dearly.

I have become comfortably numb

Down. Down. Down.....

Was doing so well today.

Breakfast: Egg white (17), Tea (0)
Lunch: Steamed broccoli (30), water

Then came dinner.  I had chicken, even though I've been trying to go vegetarian.  Meat just has so many calories.  But it wasn't even just that I ate chicken, because if it had just been chicken I would have still come in way under 500 for the day.  No, it was chicken with a fattening sauce and mac'n'cheese.  Why.

It's not the end of the world, I know.  I have had way worse days, but that food is just sitting in my stomach like a lead weight.  I have been doing so well with the restriction and the liquid fast yesterday, I was feeling so light!!! And now I feel like I have just been pulled back to the ground.  With a great thud. I just feel like I haven't been able to catch a break these past few days, in general, and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

That's the other thing.  I have been having crazy mood swings.  One moment I feel as high as a kite, lighter than air, giggling and joyous.  And then the next I am silent, despondent, depressed, despairing.  I'm out of control.  My mom says that I should see someone, that I should get medication.  That's why I was so glad to go to college though, to get away from that.  I don't want to take pills.  I don't know what they'll do to me.  I'm scared.  My world is going topsy turvey and I don't know which way is the right way anymore.

My usual knife is dull, no matter how much I press I can't cut.  No relief.  No relief.  I'm hugging my knees, rocking back and forth.  Maybe I'll go by razors.  I promised W I wouldn't, but..............

I feel myself spiraling down again.

Thank you

I can always count on you guys to leave the sweetest comments.  I was really in bad shape last night, in general, and then getting stranded pushed me over the edge and I had a bit of a meltdown.

But not to worry, my parents wired me some money and I got to stay at a nice hotel last night, read my book, take a long shower, and then sleep somewhere other than the airport terminal.  I'm back here this morning, and getting on a flight in about half an hour.

I have so much to do when I get back to school.  I start classes right away on Monday, and I'm feeling a little crazed and unprepared.  I have so much reading I feel like I should have done, so much organizing in my room to do....I have to go shopping because I am completely out of everything.  I'm not even going to be able to take a shower until I get the shopping done because I need to buy shampoo and conditioner.

These are all household-y things though, which I enjoy doing.  They distract me from other things (like eating).

On a different note....I hope my bags are still at my final destination.  They had almost all of my worldly possessions in them.  I guess we'll see.

Had a bottle of water and some aloe juice (60 calories) for breakfast.  I figure a liquid fast is just what I need to get my semester kicked off.

I hope you all are doing well.  I meant to leave comments yesterday while I was stuck in the terminal, but the internet wasn't working.  I'm going back and leaving them today.  Love you all! Thanks again for the words of comfort.  Oh! And since I don't ever receive an insane amount of comments, I think I'm going to start having a comments response section of my posts occasionally, at the end.  So here goes:

Responses:
Depressed Skinny Mess- You're wonderful, dear, when I read that I just took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and began to calm down xoxo
stillimagining- Thank you, after an evening of having airport officials tell me it was my fault that me and 15 other passengers had missed our flight, I needed to hear that <3
Just Me- What happened was the gate agent didn't call boarding, so the only people who made it on the plane were pre-boarders.  There were about 15 of us just waiting at the gate, and the plane left without us.  So I was going to have to sleep at the airport.  But I got booked on another flight this morning, so hopefully the rest of my trip runs smoothly.  I'm tired, but feeling better this morning than I did in the sheer panicked state I was in last night <3

Stranded

I'm stranded at an airport.  I don't know how I'm going to get to school by Monday, I'm freaking out.  I have tears streaming down my face, I just want to be home in my dorm room.  I hate flying, I hate airports. This is just a horrible day.

By the way, I made a twitter account, it's listed on the side over there -->
Follow if you want.

I feel so defeated right now, I just have had such a bad day.

Been Away Too Long

I've had some catching up to do on all of your blogs.  So much has happened, and I'm so sorry for being away and not available to give you whatever words of comfort I could.

I've started doing an eating thing where I drink a 100 calorie meal replacement in the morning, I have a hard boiled egg-white in the afternoon, and then an apple at dinner.  I was reading Kim's posts yesterday (I'm so glad she's back....if you don't follow her, do it.  She's one of my favorite angels on here), and she apparently found some calorie free peanut butter, caramel, and other various spreads.  I'll try to hunt down the brand and post it on here, that could be a lifesaver for me once I got back to school.

I hate being home for the holidays.  It just makes me fat and depressed.  This year has been worse than usual because my family is living in a tiny apartment in San Francisco, so everyone is just jumping down each other's throats.  I think my sister has started going on proana tumblr blogs for thinspiration, which scares me.  She's always had some Mia tendencies, but I'm afraid it could flare up into a full on disorder if she keeps looking at them.  I know that isn't exactly how it works, she's not a wannorexic, but looking at the posts and the pictures I fear will have something click in her brain and her stubborn side will say "Let's see if I can push those limits, just because I can."  That's just how she is.  I've been showing her some of the girls on tumblr that are in recovery, who post the healthy stuff, so hopefully she'll stay there and won't stray into the darker corners.

Anyways, I'm considering making a twitter account as a sort of branch from this main blog.  It'll be more daily intake and weight, maybe some other things.  Fewer rants, because it's harder to do that with only 140 characters.  What do you guys think? Would you follow it?

So good to be back, you are all so beautiful and strong.  Together we can do this <3

New Year's Resolutions

• Lose 20 pounds by Gala (end of February)
• Stop drinking Diet Coke, replace with water
• Dry semester...that means no alcohol.  Period.  No exceptions.
• Go to the gym everyday.  I won't have ballet this semester, so I'll need some encouragement.  Help me out?

I love you girls so much.  I've missed you.  Welcome to the Year of Skinny.  We can do this!!!