WTF

three pounds.

It's just three pounds.

Why does it feel like fifty?

Three fucking pounds.

That's above the wonderful goal weight that I had just reached. I'm tired of this crap, making excuses for myself. This weekend, I binged and binged and binged and I did not stop. I could not. I shoved marshmallows and s'mores into my fat mouth, with the chocolate dribbling down my chin like some demented sticky drool. It was disgusting. Chips. Cheese. Pizza. It is all haunting me, my mistakes reverberating through my skull like the thunderous crashing of my thighs banging together.

Ever time this happens, there is always some excuse. "I was with my family," "I am on vacation," or "I just exercised a bunch, I can have a little bit more to eat. I can take it."

NO NO NO you CANNOT take it!

After every meal this weekend I ran back to my room and cried cried cried. Rain poured down my face. I tried tried tried to purge, but I couldn't. I never can. My throat closes up and I freak out, and that's it. I left my emergency laxies at home, so all I could do was sit there and feel the sludge of sugar and fat slowly move through my veins. I couldn't go for a run because of where I was. I did a million sit-ups, and I walked walked walked. But I still gained those three pounds.

THREE FUCKING POUNDS.

So, what happened this weekend was a holiday. It entailed a giant party that pretty much lasted all weekend, with friends and family up at the property that my parents own. And of course, because I am so freaking weak, I gave in to all of the food. FML.

I'm sure you are done hearing me whine about my pitiful attempts to stay strong, so I shall bore you all with some other ramblings.

On a slightly happier note, I am reading King Lear in my English class. I love Shakespeare, so of course I've already read it, but I love talking about it.

Today I decided that I needed another good dose of Keira Knightly thinspo, so I've been watching Pride and Prejudice. Again. For about the billionth time. I love that book too. Any Austen fans out there?

Last, but most certainly not least, I would just like to devote a section here to the beloved quinn. who wrote the beautiful thoughts under "Story of a Paper Hearted Girl." For those of you who read her posts, you will know that we almost lost her on Sunday. I actually cried with joy when I found out that she was okay...well, as okay as she can be in her situation. I ask you all to keep her in your thoughts and send her as much love as you can. She is no longer posting on her page, but any happy thoughts will be a good thing. As someone who has gone through a frighteningly similar situation, I hope that she gets herself well again. I will miss reading her poetic writing, and I hope that I will get to read her posts again someday.

That is all, for now. Goodnight, my sweetums. Dream wonderful dreams of life and happiness.

Stay strong, my lovelies <3