HELLO!!!!

I promise, dear readers, that I have not died. I have simply been distracted for quite some time. For a little bit there, I was doing terribly, and I was not allowing myself to go online to check other blogs, as a sort of punishment. Then I realized, that is the stupidest idea i have ever had in my life!!!! People post these blogs to reach out to the rest of us, to show that we are a community, and we are all here for each other, through good times and bad.

Also, since I finally have followers, I thought I could tell you a little bit about myself, and my eating disorder. My eating disorder developed from a diet gone wrong, my freshman year in high school. I was counting calories, which is customary in any diet, but I was horrified to see how many calories each thing I ate was. As I added the numbers in my head, my daily intake started to scare me. So I restricted. and restricted. And restricted, until finally I was eating no more than 400 or 500 calories a day. That still seemed (still seems) like a lot. I wished I could live off of "air and sunshine". I didn't want to be dependent on those terrible calories. But here's the kicker. I was (until about 4 weeks ago) a nationally ranked Level 10 gymnast. One day, I was on bars, with my coach spotting me, and when I went upside down and he held me in a handstand, he said he could feel my ribs in my back. I was so happy, because I was making tangible progress! Then, two days later, I fainted on floor in the middle of a routine. BUSTED. Sure I had been getting light headed on a day to day basis, and I would crash every day after my 4 hour gymnastics workout, but it was never in public, where others could see me. so, sure enough, my parents took me to the doctor, who was horrified at my appearance, and I was not allowed to go to gymnastics until I got back up to at least a disgusting 120 lbs. Now, I do not know if any of you have ever participated in a sport that you love so much that you go crazy when you can't do it, but that's how gymnastics was for me. So, my parents found the carrot that would make me eat. They would let me go to gymnastics, and I, in return, would eat three meals a day. There was a lot more drama in there than I am saying, but I would rather leave some details to myself....

So, enough about my disturbing spiral into my current weight predicament. These past few weeks have been...interesting. I found that my biggest downfall are vacations and traveling. Last week, I was doing research in Bishop, CA. This entailed a lot of hiking, so hungry people were running the research station. Meals and parties with lots and lots and lots of food were quite thick on the ground. I was good for about 4 days, and then I cracked, and immediately hated myself for it. So the pattern would go something like this: no breakfast, no lunch, lots of hiking, big party with lots of good food, where I would indulge. I did not gain any weight, thank god, but I was not sleeping because apparently I am not accustomed to sleeping with a full stomach anymore. I felt sick every single night.

This week has been so much better because I am finally home. I can have my wonderful rice cake with hot sauce for brunch, and then eat a tiny bit of dressing-less salad for dinner. Anyone ever read the book Wintergirls? It's fantastic. Thats where I got the idea for the rice cake with hot sauce. You are eating and simultaneously punishing yourself for doing so.

I am not going to say my weight right now, because I am trying to focus on the positives. These past couple of days, with my successful restricting, I have been watching a TON of movies. My favorite two for thinspiration have been The Runaways and Pride and Prejudice. Dakota Fanning, despite being only 16, is beautiful and ethereally thin as the troubled, young Cherie Currie. Kiera Knightly, aka Elizabeth Bennet and my idol, looks so beautiful in all of her gowns it makes you want to cry. So, I have been immersed in thinspiration, hoping I can use the overload as a talisman against the looming weekend, when I will be going to Montana to visit my Grandfather, who believes that a well-balanced meal is a good portion of Texas Straw Hats. If you don't know what that is, it is a fatty chili with cheese toppled on top of a bed of Frito chips. EW. Wish me luck!

Wow, this was a long entry. I hope it holds you all over until next week, when I'll be able to update again. I dearly hope that I can stay strong when I am with the family this weekend.

Let me hear your voices.

Starve on, lovies. Stay strong <3