I know I don't have many followers (I think right now I have just one, and I am eternally grateful that someone is there), but I could really use some support right now. I know I said I wouldn't post until I got to my second goal weight, but I got suuuuper stuck.
This weekend I was at a 4-day, intensive volleyball camp. It was absolutely insane, and I was dying by the end of each day because I was working out for pretty much 12 hours straight. And here's the amazing part: I hardly ate anything FOR 4 DAYS. I had cereal for breakfast (90 cals), a couple strawberries at lunch, and nothing for dinner. That's all I ate for four f'cking days (except for my wonderful diet coke, I'd be lost without you!). And guess what???? I stepped on the scale this morning, and I'm at the fucking lardo weight of 133!! I gained back five pounds, after all of that discipline!!!!!!
I'm not going to lie, I broke down in tears. I felt so defeated. But this has taught me something: If this is what is going to happen to me, then I don't deserve to eat. Starting tonight I am going on a major fast, with just water. I don't know how long it will last, but at this point I want to keep going forever. I don't want to look in the mirror. I don't want to step on the scale. I'm such a fucking failure. I don't deserve to eat. I do not deserve to eat. I DO NOT DESERVE TO EAT. I have to keep telling myself that, because the small child in me just wants to give up completely. I will be strong. I WILL NOT EAT.
Stay beautiful, strong, and determined. Don't let my failures deter you from what you want, because I KNOW you are amazing, and you have all of my support and a lot more.
Let me hear your voices.
Starve on, loves <3
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Good luck on your fast, I hope you can lose the weight you gained and maybe more <3
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