MASTER CLEANSE!!!!!!!! :D
Starting tomorrow :) I finally convinced my parents.
Love you guys.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Sparkling....
I got up at 5:00 this morning for a run, and decided to go to the pond near my house. Since it was so early, I got to see the sunrise, which was beautiful. The light reflecting off of the water resembled gold and silver scattering into little beads. It was so peaceful....I think I'm going to make a habit of doing that every morning from now on.
I ate breakfast and dinner yesterday. Breakfast was 1/2 cup of Kashi GO LEAN cereal (70 cals), and dinner was fish and asparagus with spinach pasta. I had to eat it because we had a family meal, although my mom noticed me cutting my food to pieces, and then proceeding to eat clockwise around my plate. She raised her eyebrows at me, but didn't comment. Thank goodness.
I finally read Wasted. It was incredible. And intense. I loved it, she is such an amazing writer. My favorite english teacher noticed that I was reading it, and she knows about my "past", so she was a little bit worried, but I just told her a friend wanted me to read it, not to worry. I hate lying to her.
I have my senior meeting at school to go to, so I better get offline. Oh, and by the way, I have a goal to lose 13 lbs by May 16th. Wish me luck!
Love you guys <3
I ate breakfast and dinner yesterday. Breakfast was 1/2 cup of Kashi GO LEAN cereal (70 cals), and dinner was fish and asparagus with spinach pasta. I had to eat it because we had a family meal, although my mom noticed me cutting my food to pieces, and then proceeding to eat clockwise around my plate. She raised her eyebrows at me, but didn't comment. Thank goodness.
I finally read Wasted. It was incredible. And intense. I loved it, she is such an amazing writer. My favorite english teacher noticed that I was reading it, and she knows about my "past", so she was a little bit worried, but I just told her a friend wanted me to read it, not to worry. I hate lying to her.
I have my senior meeting at school to go to, so I better get offline. Oh, and by the way, I have a goal to lose 13 lbs by May 16th. Wish me luck!
Love you guys <3
Friday, April 1, 2011
prom
Prom sucked. My dress was too tight, E didn't even seem to notice me, and there were no good parties to go to afterwards.
But I didn't eat all day.
Love you all <3
But I didn't eat all day.
Love you all <3
Thursday, March 31, 2011
E.....and prom
I wrote a really long post yesterday, but as I was about to finish it up, my dad came home, so I had to close the window really fast. So I lost my post!
I'm so tired right now....prom is tomorrow night, and right now I don't feel excited. I should be excited. The guy that I like is going with my group. Huh, it's so weird, I just realized that it's been so long since my last post that I haven't told you about him :) It makes me smile just to think about him. For the sake of this blog, we'll call him E. E is in my Russian Lit class, and I've kind of had a thing for him for almost 4 years now. But recently he's actually started to notice me. Like the other day, we hung out after school, just walking around campus and talking for almost 2 hours. Then, instead of letting me walk home (I live about 2 blocks away from campus) he insisted that he drive me home. I discovered that he has the same taste in music as me (which is awesome!) He's so smart, too; he got into Stanford, and yesterday he found out that he got into Harvard. Harvard. I fail at life in comparison to him, but he's super humble and doesn't rub it in your face, you know? He's our class president and he's in journalism and he's a freaking amazing basketball player....There's pretty much nothing he can't do. Which is why this little crush hasn't really moved past that point. I know that I'm not good enough for him, no way. Me with my B+ average and my quiet personality and my totally fucked up mind....
My dress for prom comes tonight. I don't even know if I want to put it on; I don't want to see the fat pressing against straining seams, I don't want my legs bared for the world to see my trunk-like thighs. It's going to be horrible.
I did a fast today, so if I can carry that through until tomorrow, maybe I'll feel better. I doubt it, but it's worth a shot.
I'm sorry for the crappy post. My mind is not all here today, so this is just some unfiltered garbage.
I love you all, and I'll try to post more, I promise <3
Stay strong, my dears.
I'm so tired right now....prom is tomorrow night, and right now I don't feel excited. I should be excited. The guy that I like is going with my group. Huh, it's so weird, I just realized that it's been so long since my last post that I haven't told you about him :) It makes me smile just to think about him. For the sake of this blog, we'll call him E. E is in my Russian Lit class, and I've kind of had a thing for him for almost 4 years now. But recently he's actually started to notice me. Like the other day, we hung out after school, just walking around campus and talking for almost 2 hours. Then, instead of letting me walk home (I live about 2 blocks away from campus) he insisted that he drive me home. I discovered that he has the same taste in music as me (which is awesome!) He's so smart, too; he got into Stanford, and yesterday he found out that he got into Harvard. Harvard. I fail at life in comparison to him, but he's super humble and doesn't rub it in your face, you know? He's our class president and he's in journalism and he's a freaking amazing basketball player....There's pretty much nothing he can't do. Which is why this little crush hasn't really moved past that point. I know that I'm not good enough for him, no way. Me with my B+ average and my quiet personality and my totally fucked up mind....
My dress for prom comes tonight. I don't even know if I want to put it on; I don't want to see the fat pressing against straining seams, I don't want my legs bared for the world to see my trunk-like thighs. It's going to be horrible.
I did a fast today, so if I can carry that through until tomorrow, maybe I'll feel better. I doubt it, but it's worth a shot.
I'm sorry for the crappy post. My mind is not all here today, so this is just some unfiltered garbage.
I love you all, and I'll try to post more, I promise <3
Stay strong, my dears.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Raw Food
Hello lovlies!
Long time no post, I know. I've been trying to catch up in school recently. I had to give all of my attention to this Calculus exam because I failed the last one. If I failed this one, chances are that my acceptance to college would be rescinded. That would be bad. I need to get out of here, and college is my ticket out.
But, luckily I got an A on that test, so all is well for now...I've been staying pretty solidly in the 500 calorie range on a day to day basis. My lovely literature teacher is getting worried about me (she's the only one at school who knows about my eating disorder), but I've been kind of blowing her off, telling her that I'm fine. I hate lying to her; she knows that I haven't been eating. I just hope she doesn't tell my parents.
Right now I'm trying to convince my parents to let me go on a raw food diet. I'm pretty much doing that already, but if I make it official, it means that they can't give me a hard time for just eating some celery or carrots. I'll have the excuse: "I'm not allowed to eat that other stuff." They are hesitant to let me, but I think they're caving. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
Do you ever just feel like you hate your life? I've been feeling like that for the past few months. And it's not like the "I'm mad at everyone, life is awful, it needs to go die in a hole" kind of hate. I've just been so depressed that I have trouble getting up in the morning, or doing anything. I just feel so dejected and defeated all the time, and it's starting to take it's toll. My life has become monotonous. Sometimes as I'm falling asleep, I feel tears running down my cheeks onto my pillow without even realizing that I'm crying. I have nothing to look forward to anymore, except for that next goal weight on the scale. Even when I do "fun" or "relaxing" things with my sister, I am constantly thinking about how I don't deserve to have fun or relax, because I'm too fat/stupid/lazy/awful/ugly....I don't feel alive anymore.
I hope that you all are not tired of my pathetic ramblings. Nevertheless, I'm going to keep posting them. I have nowhere else to go.
"Tired of trying, sick of crying...yes I'm smiling, but inside I'm dying."
Stay strong <3
Long time no post, I know. I've been trying to catch up in school recently. I had to give all of my attention to this Calculus exam because I failed the last one. If I failed this one, chances are that my acceptance to college would be rescinded. That would be bad. I need to get out of here, and college is my ticket out.
But, luckily I got an A on that test, so all is well for now...I've been staying pretty solidly in the 500 calorie range on a day to day basis. My lovely literature teacher is getting worried about me (she's the only one at school who knows about my eating disorder), but I've been kind of blowing her off, telling her that I'm fine. I hate lying to her; she knows that I haven't been eating. I just hope she doesn't tell my parents.
Right now I'm trying to convince my parents to let me go on a raw food diet. I'm pretty much doing that already, but if I make it official, it means that they can't give me a hard time for just eating some celery or carrots. I'll have the excuse: "I'm not allowed to eat that other stuff." They are hesitant to let me, but I think they're caving. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
Do you ever just feel like you hate your life? I've been feeling like that for the past few months. And it's not like the "I'm mad at everyone, life is awful, it needs to go die in a hole" kind of hate. I've just been so depressed that I have trouble getting up in the morning, or doing anything. I just feel so dejected and defeated all the time, and it's starting to take it's toll. My life has become monotonous. Sometimes as I'm falling asleep, I feel tears running down my cheeks onto my pillow without even realizing that I'm crying. I have nothing to look forward to anymore, except for that next goal weight on the scale. Even when I do "fun" or "relaxing" things with my sister, I am constantly thinking about how I don't deserve to have fun or relax, because I'm too fat/stupid/lazy/awful/ugly....I don't feel alive anymore.
I hope that you all are not tired of my pathetic ramblings. Nevertheless, I'm going to keep posting them. I have nowhere else to go.
"Tired of trying, sick of crying...yes I'm smiling, but inside I'm dying."
Stay strong <3
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Poppin' those little white pills...
I'm on my iPod so this will be short....I didn't eat anything today except for a side salad at dinner and those wonderful slimquick pills. I got in a fight with my mom at dinner because she said the salad wasn't enough food (little does she know...) but I don't care cuz I'm on a role!
Love you guys! Stay strong <3
Love you guys! Stay strong <3
Sunday, February 13, 2011
ballet...
I went to see the ballet again yesterday....it was exquisite. My sister is gorgeous, beaming and skinny and absolutely perfect. I love her so much :) I'm so proud of what she has accomplished these past two years in ballet, it's really quite something. The ballet was supposed to be sad at the end, but I didn't cry when everyone else did; I cried when my sister was dancing...happy tears. She's just so amazing.
Since I've pretty much boycotted all of the lame-ass guys at my high school, I've decided that I'm going to bring my sister and her ballet friend to prom with me, and just party. Have a girls' night :D I'm excited.
So, update on what happened last weekend....my teachers pretty much said "Why are you at school if you have a concussion?" so I stayed home for a few days last week. It was nice...I watch Pride and Prejudice twice (I'm such a hopeless romantic, I love that movie/book so much...) and I read three books. I have a 4 day weekend coming up, and my parents are going out of town for most of it :) yaaaaaaaaay! So it'll be just my sister and me, and we'll get to have some fun.
I hope you all are doing alright. I've been eating about 500-600 calories a day, running, and popping diet pills like candies...I haven't stepped on the scale though, not for about a week. I'm afraid that all of this work that I've been putting in wont show :(
Stay strong <3
Since I've pretty much boycotted all of the lame-ass guys at my high school, I've decided that I'm going to bring my sister and her ballet friend to prom with me, and just party. Have a girls' night :D I'm excited.
So, update on what happened last weekend....my teachers pretty much said "Why are you at school if you have a concussion?" so I stayed home for a few days last week. It was nice...I watch Pride and Prejudice twice (I'm such a hopeless romantic, I love that movie/book so much...) and I read three books. I have a 4 day weekend coming up, and my parents are going out of town for most of it :) yaaaaaaaaay! So it'll be just my sister and me, and we'll get to have some fun.
I hope you all are doing alright. I've been eating about 500-600 calories a day, running, and popping diet pills like candies...I haven't stepped on the scale though, not for about a week. I'm afraid that all of this work that I've been putting in wont show :(
Stay strong <3
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