What A Weekend

I went and visited my friend at her university this weekend.  It was a total disaster.  She went to hang out with some other friends because I wanted to stay back in her dorm so I wouldn't eat.  On the first night I popped some sleeping pills so that I would just fall asleep and not eat, but on the second night, I spent the day purging every tiny thing that I ate.  My teeth hurt, my throat is raw, and I have bruises on my knuckles.

On another note, I have established that my relationship with P is rather unhealthy.  He always says things like "I love you as more than a friend, more than a sister, more than anyone I've met before" and then when I jokingly said that he was in love with me, he basically flat out said that he was.  But he's not, he doesn't see me that way.  He can't.  He has a girlfriend, and while I love him, I'm most assuredly not IN love with him.  He says he misses me so much, it hurts.  He is always going on about how he wants to be with me, hugging me, playing with my hair, just being close to me.  That's not normal friendships stuff.  He told me that if I did anything to put my life in jeopardy, he'd fly out here in a heartbeat.

On some level it's nice to know that he cares so much.  But it's scary.  I know I shouldn't be whining about having a friend who loves me this much, but....I don't know.  It just doesn't feel right.  It doesn't feel healthy.

I want this fat gone.  I need to not eat.  Not eating is good for me, it's good for my soul. I'm fatfatfatfat, I piggy bitch who needs to get herself under control.  I don't want to cry when I look in the mirror anymore.


As per usual, since I'm restricting but not exercising, my metabolism has come to a grinding halt.  I can feel it....isn't that weird? I feel like people without eating disorders aren't quite as in touch with these sort of bodily functions.  I can feel my metabolism slowing.  Or I can pick up on the results of it slowing.  I should start taking shots of espresso, or redevelop my taste for black coffee.  I should work on that.

Talk to you lovelies later, I'm sorry that I don't have any good news or anything of interest to talk about.