Slow Progress

I hate when I start slowing down in the losing department.  I've only lost 1.6 pounds this week....

I've decided that when I get back to school in September, I'm going to be a completely new person, one that my friends will hardly recognize.  I'll have different clothes, I'll have lost at least 20 pounds, and I'll carry myself with a new lightness of foot.  Everyone will be in awe of my transformation.

Well, everyone except me.  I hate that even when I get to that point, all I'll be able to think about is losing more, controlling everything even tighter.  There will be no endpoint.

I was Skyping with P last night, and I think I was finally able to describe to him on some level what it feels like to go through the stuff that I face on a daily basis.  He is always going on and on trying to guilt trip me out of attempting suicide or overdoses or restricting, and what he has never understood is that there is nothing logical or reasonable about these thoughts and feelings.  When I have these thoughts about stealing my dad's Vicodin and downing the bottle with some Tylenol and my whole bottle of anti-depressants, I don't think "Oh, I shouldn't do this because what would it do to P and my family if I did this? What would it put them through?"  He doesn't know what it's like to have your world shrink around you and have everything driven by a single thought.  He just can't imagine that level of tunnel vision.  And I think that's why it's so hard to describe to people without eating disorders or depression or OCD what these things driving our lives truly are; they aren't whims or stray thoughts that we chose to follow, they are compulsions, overwhelming emotions that cannot be ignored, that block out everything else.

I think I was finally able to explain that to P in a way that had him understand.  I still don't think he will ever quite get it, and I think he will still feel somehow personally or guilty if I do something drastic (other than slowly starving myself), but I think he will stop trying to guilt trip me.  Hopefully.