AWOL

Hello beautiful girls,

I would just like to thank the lovely Rain for getting me back on here, I was lost and wandering a bit without you guys.  So, update on what's been happening....I had to go back and read my last few posts so that I knew what I have and have not told you guys.  Brace yourselves for a long post with possibly a few mindless rants....

Okay, so first of all, I should tell you about this friend of mine.  I have referred to him once or twice, he's the one that I consider like my brother.  For the sake of this blog, lets call him P.  So, P and I have been friends since the beginning of the year (he is one of my university friends), but we only started getting really close about 4 months ago when he started helping me clean up my cuts and I basically dumped my entire fucking life story onto his lap.  I feel bad, sometimes, I feel like I dragged him into this by telling him everything, and now since he's such a good guy, he doesn't feel like he can abandon me right now.

So, we have been getting closer.  Like really close.  First, you should know that he has a girlfriend.  Second, you should know that I'm still desperately crushing on W (who I'm still good friends with, and who is also still taken), which P knows about.  These two things have made it so that we have emotional barriers that keep us from looking at each other as anything but friends.  But in some ways that makes our relationship more dangerous.  It's almost like, since we know that anything we do will not have romantic implications, there is a lack of boundaries between us.  Sometimes on the weekends, he will just fall asleep in bed with me.  Other times, like last night, we'll just spend hours hugging each other and just staring at each other, playing with each other's hair and whatnot.  We also spend pretty much any time that we don't have class together.  Breakfast, lunch, dinner, studying, chilling.  All. The. Time.

From what I've just described, to the outside observer it could be seen that we are sort of a thing.  I have had several people come up to me at parties and ask me if we are together, because we'll just chill with his arm around me and my head on his shoulder.  Even my friends have started to be a little bit weirded out, I think.  They don't say anything to me directly, but I feel like I'm always getting looks from them and I always have to assure them that I don't have any romantic feelings for him.  He's not my type, he's just my rock right now.  I love him to death, he truly is the bestest friend ever.

So, now that you have all of the background, here is what I actually was going to talk about.  So, last weekend, P's girlfriend came and visited.  I like her a lot, I had never officially met her, but I had talked to her online a couple of times, and video chatted with her over P's shoulder occasionally.  While she was here, I had a really close family friend die (which I'm not going to talk about because it was just too fucking hard I don't want to deal with it right now), and I basically had an emotional breakdown.  I could have just gotten a hug from anyone, I was crying so hard that I couldn't really register anything, but P just happened to be the one in the room when that happened.  So he was comforting me, and finally I decided to go to bed and he left.  So I turned off my light to sleep, and he came back in and sat on my bed, just sort of stroking my hair to get me to calm down.  Our friends came in and checked on us, because his girlfriend was wondering where the hell he was, and they saw the lights off and expected the worst.  His girlfriend was not happy, and I'm kind of afraid that I blew it with her. I really wanted her to like me, because he is such a big part of my life, but I think things will always be strained between us, and that makes me sad.

Wow, I'm so sorry about how long that was.  But now you all know about P, so for future reference when I talk about him....haha

About my weight.  Last weekend, I was the lowest weight I have been since before Christmas, which makes me......I don't want to say happy, because I will never be happy with my weight.  But it makes me feel motivated to keep going.  Also, W has been trying to coax me into joining the track team, so I have started training and running everyday so that when I actually do go and talk to the track coach, he won't think it's just a joke.

The liquid fast I talked about the last time I posted I think is what finally pushed me to lose a few more pounds.  I'm thinking of doing another one this week, anyone want to join?

Love you all so much, and I'm seriously going to start posting more.  If I had long drawn out posts like this every time, I'm pretty sure I would lose all of my followers.