Fading Whispers: Sorry guys....

Hello...
I know I've already posted today, but I have a lot on my mind. I don't really have anyone else that I can vent to. I'm sorry if my ramblings are annoying.

So, first of all, I cannot wait until I leave for university next year. The freedom from family meals will save me so much. Right now everyone is trying to feed me, and I hate the guilt that runs through me when I say "no, I'm not eating that." It's tearing me up inside...Once I'm on the other side of the country, they can't monitor my every move, and the people I meet won't know about my eating habits. I'll just be that ethereally beautiful thin girl with the wide eyes and delicate features. I'll be able to get away with eating less because, let's face it, there is SO MUCH MORE going on a campus than there is in this dead little town I live in. I wont have time to eat. I'll be reading, studying, going to the gym, hanging out with friends, going to classes, spending time with a new boyfriend...the possibilities are endless. Eating will not fit into my college lifestyle. I'll make sure of it.

Alright, the other thing that I want to talk about is my annoyance with my parents. I really want to do this Master Cleanse thing (once I'm done with my fast), but they wont let me. For those of you who don't know about the master cleanse, here is a little summary: You don't consume anything except for this "lemonade", which consists of lemon juice, water, grade B maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. You drink a lot of water, consume a bunch of laxatives, and do this salt water flush every night. The cleanse lasts for about two weeks, for a normal person. I want to try doing it for a month, maybe longer. I obviously didn't tell my parents how long I wanted to do it, just that I wanted to. They flew off the handle and were like "why do you need to do this? Are you trying to lose weight?" "YES!!!" I want to shout at them. All of the fat inside me is holding me back from being everything that I want to be. But I can't tell them that.

So back to the cleanse. My parents don't want me to do it, AT ALL, even though both of them used to do it on a regular basis, and my sister has been allowed to do it a million times (even though she always gives up after day 1. She gets too hungry). I mean, I kind of understand why they don't want me to do it, with my track record and all, they don't want me "falling into my old habits." Uhhhhh too late. So I'm trying to explain to them that it isn't a method for weight loss (although it really sheds pounds like it's nobody's business), its just a challenge that I need in my life right now. I really hope that I can convince them.

I just re-read those two paragraphs, and they're a little spastic. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say, because right now I'm just too tired and defeated to go back and edit it.

S never called today to confirm us hanging out tonight. But why should he even care about me? Why does anyone care? I'm not special. I'm just a trembling, lost girl, with no sense of herself. Who would find that attractive? I am a black hole, sucking all emotion and joy from the atmosphere around me.

I've been exhausted for the past few days. And not just in the "duh, you aren't eating, of course your exhausted" sort of way. Like mentally, I have no drive to keep going. With anything. With life. My thoughts of suicide keep haunting my dreams, turning them to nightmares, and I can't make them stop. I'm freaking out. A beautiful little voice keeps saying "Just let go, no one will notice if you leave..." It's so tempting. Why is it so tempting? I have a family and friends that love me...why do I want to leave? Because when you're gone, you are truly free from this turmoil... she whispers.

I wish someone could save me from myself.

Just let go......let go.........