Oh hey! Remember me?

Wow.  I seriously cannot remember the last time I was on here.

Recently, I've gotten sucked into the black hole that is the Twitter Ana-family. It's actually severely out of control.  When I'm at work, I have my Twitter feed open on my computer AND on my phone.  At night, I lie in bed scrollingscrollingscrolling, keeping my sister awake with the light from my phone illuminating the room in a bluish glow.  Like, what???? But I do find that it's helpful for me to reach my goals when I'm on there.  The immediate feedback of my five-hundred-something followers keeps me strong, while an endless stream of thinspo keeps me distracted from food.

But it is difficult sometimes to express what's going on in 140 characters or less.  So I'm going to try to juggle both this blog and my Twitter from now on. Here's an update of what's been going on with me:

Last week was my birthday.  I had about 5 "birthday dinners" with a bunch of different people over the course of the entire week.  I ate just enough to get by, worked out like a motherfucker, and managed not to gain (I actually lost 2.6 pounds!).  This weekend my family and friends threw me a party, and we went to a fireworks extravaganza, where there was BBQ galore.  I quickly snagged a Diet Coke and tried to roam about with my friends without anyone noticing that I wasn't eating.  Unfortunately, my mom did notice, so she bought me a Linguica sausage (a million calories), and stood there watching me.  She didn't leave me alone until I had eaten the whole thing in front of her.  I felt so sick.  I felt disgusting.  I was actually crying by the time I finished it. I couldn't do anything to get rid of it.

Lucky for me, my body is NOT used to that much meat and fat, and I puked my guts out about an hour later.  I'm pretty sure the calories had already been absorbed, but at least I was empty.  Didn't even have to purge, my body just flat out rejected it.  SCORE.

My parents and sister are going to be gone for a week in two weeks, so I'm planning on doing a week-long fast while they're gone.  Super psyched.

That's all for now, I've missed you lovelies!!! xx

One of Those Days

It's one of those days where all I want to do is lay in bed and listen to angsty music.  Nothing too heavy, but like Paramore and some Avril Lavigne.  Not usually into the whole pop/rock thing, I'm more of an indie/alternative kind of gal, but it's just one of those days....

I don't want to be at work at all right now.  I'm sitting here at my desk, pretty much jumping out of my seat because I didn't get to go to the gym this morning but I still had three cups of coffee so I'm bursting with energy.  I guess that isn't really conducive to sitting and listening to music, but whatever.

I've been tweeting a lot more, I find that it helps me stay on track.  If any of you have a twitter and want to follow me, you'll find me at @FadingWhispers1.  I reached 100 followers yesterday on there, so that's cool.  I've lost 0.6 pounds in the past two days, which isn't anything to write home about, but it's not gaining so I'll take it.

My dad is going to be gone for a week and a half starting tomorrow night, so that's kind of amazing.  It means that my sister and I will have the apartment to ourselves.  I'm happy that my dad will be gone because things will be more relaxed, but I'm not sure how I'm feeling about my sister being there.  We've kind of been at each other's throats, so we'll see how that goes.  Maybe I'll just go stay at J's apartment this weekend until we can get into a pattern at the apartment where we don't end the day wanting to kill each other.  I love my sister to death, but neither of us is used to living with the other anymore.

Speaking of my sister, I weigh the same as her.  Crazy, right?  She's been "the skinny one" for so long now, but I'm going to pass her, and people aren't even going to know what happened.  I would actually weigh less than her if it weren't for my stupid boobs.  She's an A and I'm a C, so that's bound to be at least 1.5 or 2 pounds right there.  Sorry if that's TMI for you guys.

This has been yet another snapshot of the randomness/craziness that goes on inside my head.  Love you all xoxo

Follower Appreciation

I just want to say thank you for putting up with my mindless ramblings and craziness.  I know I'm not one of those super popular blogs, and I don't get a ton of comments, but just know that every comment that gets left is like a little gift to me, and it brightens my day so much.  You all are so beautiful, inside and out, and you deserve to have people telling you that every day.

I love you dearly. I don't know where I'd be without you all.

Shake Shake Shake

SlimQuik pills still making me shaky and nauseous.  Funny, usually it wears off by now.  Oh well, I have no appetite, I'm not complaining.

Intake today:
1/4 cup Kashi GO LEAN (+35 calories)
Cookie (+70 calories)
Diet Coke (+ 0 calories)
Total: 105 calories

I burned about 252 calories on the elliptical this morning, so my net calories for the day is -147 or thereabouts. I don't completely trust the calorie counts on the elliptical, but I definitely burned at least 200 calories.  I am hoping to stay under 200 calories for intake so that I can keep the net negative.  That means just some steamed veggies at dinner.  My dad is braising a beef roast or something ridiculous like that for dinner, and both my sister and I are planning on not eating it.  She's a ballet dancer and is on a break right now, and she had a freak out this weekend because since she's been on break, she's gained about 8 pounds.  In one week. I can't imagine that, I don't know how I'd be able to stay sane if I gained that much in just a week. Holy shit.

I'm plateauing again, and I think it's because I had started to shift my workout the last couple of weeks towards more strength training.  But starting this morning I did cardio, so....hopefully the weight will start falling off again.  I think I'll alternate days, one day cardio, next day strength.  And on days that I do strength I warm up for 15 minutes on the elliptical, so I'm still getting my heart rate up.

Blah blah blah, this stuff is probably kind of boring for you guys.  I hope you all are staying strong <3

GO ESPRESSO

I did half hour of cardio this morning, and then a shit-ton of abs work.  I wish I could have done more, but I needed to get to work.  Maybe when I get home I'll go for that 6 mile walk down to the beach or something when I get home....it's raining today, and I love walking in the rain.

Didn't eat breakfast.  As soon as I got to work I had three shots of espresso, and now I'm working on a nonfat Chai.  I'm hoping to have just Diet Coke at lunch, but I might have a little bit of the chicken noodle soup that I brought....I'll just strain it and only have the broth and veggies, no chicken or noodles.  Genius.

I'm feeling powerful today, like I can actually make it through the day and lose some weight in the process.  I don't know if it's my meds or what that's making me feel good, but I hope it lasts.  Probably won't, so I'll enjoy it while I can.

Stay strong my dears <3

In the Mourning

You escaped like a runaway train

off the tracks and down again

my heart's beating like a steamboat tuggin'

all your burdens on my shoulders

But in the mourning, I'll rise

In the mourning, I'll let you die

In the mourning, all my worry

Now there's nothing but time that's wasted

and words that have no backbone

now it seems like the whole world's waiting

can you hear me, echoes fading

And in the mourning, I'll rise

In the mourning, I'll let you die

In the mourning, all my worry

And it takes all my strength

not to dig you up from the ground in which you lay

the biggest part of me

You were the greatest thing

but now you're just a memory to let go of

But in the mourning, I'll rise

In the mourning, I'll let you die

In the morning, all my worry

Anyone else a Paramore fan?  I've had this song stuck in my head all day, its such a beautiful song.  Very mellow.  Anyways, today has been alright, intake-wise.  I woke up at 5:00 am and went to the gym, did my usual routine of cardio and aerobic stuff, then I ate a banana on my way into work.  Other than some water, diet coke, and my SlimQuick, that's all I've had today.  I'm a little shaky and dizzy, but that's most likely from all of the caffeine in those SlimQuick pills.  Not because I haven't had enough calories...let's face it, I'm too fat to get dizzy from not eating.....

Yuck

So it's safe to say that I am no longer used to eating a normal, healthy breakfast.  With the SlimQuick pills, I've found that the best thing I can do is take them as soon as I get up, eat breakfast (usually Kashi with almond milk, around 100 calories), and then I won't really consume anything except for Diet Coke and veggies at dinner for the rest of the day.  But this morning my dad was feeling like apologizing for being an ass the past week.  I actually have bruises on my shoulders and chest from where he grabbed me and threw me across our kitchen.  Oh well, shit happens.  Anyways, he felt bad so he made me breakfast: two eggs (140) and a bowl of blueberries (80).  I think it was the eggs that did me in.  Those combined with the SlimQuick pills made me so nauseous that as soon as I pulled into the parking lot at work, I ran inside, straight to the bathroom, and threw up.  It wasn't even purging, my stomach just couldn't take the heaviness of the eggs.  Now I'm sitting here feeling all light headed and gross.  What a great way to start off the day.

I've lost 10 pounds since I got home from university.  The goal is 17 more by the time I have to go back. Maybe I can actually do it...I've been going to the gym every morning during weekdays and doing 45 minutes of cardio and 15 minutes of strength training.  Nowhere near what I was doing when I was still doing gymnastics, but I'm not trying to bulk up, just get lean and speed up my metabolism.  I didn't get to go in this morning because my dad had a kidney stone procedure this weekend and wasn't feeling up to getting up so early (we go into work together).  But I'm going to drag his ass out of bed tomorrow morning so I can get my workout.  Or maybe if he's still not feeling up to it, I'll just get up super early at home and go for a run around my neighborhood.  I'm finally feeling motivated, and I'm not about to quit now.

I just wish I didn't feel so crappy...

Oh! One more thing.  I went to the doctor on Friday to get a psych and behavioral therapist referral (because the people I've been seeing are back at school, and after last weekend's meltdown, my parents aren't taking any chances), which was useless and a complete waste of time.  I left with no referral, no refill for my medication.  I don't know how that happened, it just did.

Anyways, I hope you lovelies are doing better than I am.

Goodbye

Today is his memorial service.

Oh god, why does he have to be gone.

I can't believe this

So, I thought last weekend was a mess....boy was I wrong.

It all started on Saturday afternoon.  I had agreed to make dinner for a couple of my guy friends, even though I wasn't feeling well and I didn't really want to see either of them.  So I went to the store to pick up some things that I needed, and as I'm walking down the frozen foods aisle, I grab a New York cheesecake.  A fucking cheesecake.  When I got home, I threw down the rest of the food I had bought, grabbed a fork, and before I knew it, half of the cheesecake was gone.  I knew with something that high in calories, senna wasn't going to be effective enough to have me not absorb all of those calories, so I purged, drank some water, and purged again until all that was coming up was bile.  This all went down before it was 3:00 pm, I still had the rest of the day to get through.

My friends got to my apartment at about 5:00, wine in hand, ready to be fed and have a good time.  I had about three glasses of wine while they ate their food; not enough to be drunk, but definitely enough to be tipsy.  My friends, on the other hand, drank about a bottle and a half each.  Before I knew it, they were all over me, putting their arms around me, nuzzling my face, rubbing their hands on my thighs.  I freaked the fuck out.  They're supposed to be my friends! Not try to drunkenly hook up with me.  I kept trying to push them off, make it clear that I didn't want to do anything, that I have NEVER seen them in that way, but they weren't getting it.  So I left.  I went to my room, locked the door, and tried to call P.  I needed him.  I needed to talk to him, he was one of the only people who knew about the sexual assault in my past.  I called, left one relatively calm message.  I called again, a little bit more panicked as the walls around me started to move towards me and I could still hear my "friends" in my living room, now trying to move on to my sister.  By the third voicemail I left him, I was sobbing, I needed OUT.  I told him I couldn't take it anymore.  I texted him a final farewell, and stood up, marched out the apartment and down the street.  My intention was to go jump in front of one of the trains that ran by my house.  In my distraught state, I didn't remember that these trains were no longer running.  Once that hit me, I tried throwing myself in front of cars.  You guys, I was so desperate for everything to be over.  I should have been hit, I don't know how I survived the night unscathed.  My sister found me crumpled up on the sidewalk about 10 blocks away from our apartment, sobbing.  She helped me get home, told my friends to get the fuck out, and then had to forcibly keep me from leaving my bed.  I must have passed out, because the next thing I remember is waking up at 4:30 am, mind completely clear and empty.  My dad was home, and both he and my sister were asleep.  I proceeded to clean the apartment, top to bottom, just to get my mind off of things.

That was just my Saturday.  Now, my Sunday was less eventful, but much much worse.

After talking to my dad and my sister, who were debating whether or not I needed to be put on house arrest until I was feeling more balanced, I went and got my computer to check my email.  What awaited me on my email sent me into an emotional black hole.  On Saturday one of my closest friends died in a freak accident that happened while he was abroad.  I loved this kid so much, he was one of the smartest people I had ever met.  He was truly an incredible human being, it's not fair.  I don't want him to be gone.  He can't be gone.  We were planning on Skyping with each other tonight, I had been looking forward to it for the past week.  But I won't get to talk to him ever again.  Never again.

That was my weekend.

Please Don't Let Me Eat

Please please please please, give me strength to resist anything going through these lips today.  I need that.  Desperately.  I'm pulling my hair out, I'm going insane.

PLEASE DON'T LET ME.

What A Weekend

I went and visited my friend at her university this weekend.  It was a total disaster.  She went to hang out with some other friends because I wanted to stay back in her dorm so I wouldn't eat.  On the first night I popped some sleeping pills so that I would just fall asleep and not eat, but on the second night, I spent the day purging every tiny thing that I ate.  My teeth hurt, my throat is raw, and I have bruises on my knuckles.

On another note, I have established that my relationship with P is rather unhealthy.  He always says things like "I love you as more than a friend, more than a sister, more than anyone I've met before" and then when I jokingly said that he was in love with me, he basically flat out said that he was.  But he's not, he doesn't see me that way.  He can't.  He has a girlfriend, and while I love him, I'm most assuredly not IN love with him.  He says he misses me so much, it hurts.  He is always going on about how he wants to be with me, hugging me, playing with my hair, just being close to me.  That's not normal friendships stuff.  He told me that if I did anything to put my life in jeopardy, he'd fly out here in a heartbeat.

On some level it's nice to know that he cares so much.  But it's scary.  I know I shouldn't be whining about having a friend who loves me this much, but....I don't know.  It just doesn't feel right.  It doesn't feel healthy.

I want this fat gone.  I need to not eat.  Not eating is good for me, it's good for my soul. I'm fatfatfatfat, I piggy bitch who needs to get herself under control.  I don't want to cry when I look in the mirror anymore.


As per usual, since I'm restricting but not exercising, my metabolism has come to a grinding halt.  I can feel it....isn't that weird? I feel like people without eating disorders aren't quite as in touch with these sort of bodily functions.  I can feel my metabolism slowing.  Or I can pick up on the results of it slowing.  I should start taking shots of espresso, or redevelop my taste for black coffee.  I should work on that.

Talk to you lovelies later, I'm sorry that I don't have any good news or anything of interest to talk about.

Slow Progress

I hate when I start slowing down in the losing department.  I've only lost 1.6 pounds this week....

I've decided that when I get back to school in September, I'm going to be a completely new person, one that my friends will hardly recognize.  I'll have different clothes, I'll have lost at least 20 pounds, and I'll carry myself with a new lightness of foot.  Everyone will be in awe of my transformation.

Well, everyone except me.  I hate that even when I get to that point, all I'll be able to think about is losing more, controlling everything even tighter.  There will be no endpoint.

I was Skyping with P last night, and I think I was finally able to describe to him on some level what it feels like to go through the stuff that I face on a daily basis.  He is always going on and on trying to guilt trip me out of attempting suicide or overdoses or restricting, and what he has never understood is that there is nothing logical or reasonable about these thoughts and feelings.  When I have these thoughts about stealing my dad's Vicodin and downing the bottle with some Tylenol and my whole bottle of anti-depressants, I don't think "Oh, I shouldn't do this because what would it do to P and my family if I did this? What would it put them through?"  He doesn't know what it's like to have your world shrink around you and have everything driven by a single thought.  He just can't imagine that level of tunnel vision.  And I think that's why it's so hard to describe to people without eating disorders or depression or OCD what these things driving our lives truly are; they aren't whims or stray thoughts that we chose to follow, they are compulsions, overwhelming emotions that cannot be ignored, that block out everything else.

I think I was finally able to explain that to P in a way that had him understand.  I still don't think he will ever quite get it, and I think he will still feel somehow personally or guilty if I do something drastic (other than slowly starving myself), but I think he will stop trying to guilt trip me.  Hopefully.

Clarification

I know that in my last post, I talked about only doing my internship because of the money, blah blah blah.  And I just wanted to clarify that I'm not like money crazy or something, I totally think that doing something you love is way more important than doing a job for the money.  However, I do not currently have the freedom to make that choice to do something I love, because I am trying to pay for college, which is totally worth this horrible summer job.

Just thought you guys should know.

Started Work....I hate this job

Well it's safe to say I will never be going into industry as a career.  I hate this internship so much.  I remember whining and complaining last summer about my research job and how I had to be away from home and E all summer, and how it was so hard blah blah blah....yeah, I'd give anything right now to be doing that job again.  And I totally could have, but this internship is paying about 5 times as much (not even kidding...I'm making almost $10,000 in 3 months.  I made $1,500 plus a free Macbook Pro last summer).

But that is seriously the only reason I'm doing this internship, because of the money.  It's not even in an area that I'm interested in; I'm obsessed with ecology and field research and saving sea turtles, and this internship is in bio engineering, which means I'm stuck behind a desk for 8/9 hours a day, sitting.  I'm on my third day and I'm already going absolutely crazy.

I need to get away.  Far away from everything, I feel so claustrophobic here. This morning when I was driving to work, all I could think about was taking my entire bottle of antidepressants, chasing it with some pills from my medicine cabinet, and washing it all down with a bottle of vodka.  I swear, I have the whole thing planned out, I just have to act on it.

I'm so tempted.

Thoughts

I want to cut so badly tonight.

Angry and Confused

Hello lovelies.

I said yesterday that I would update today when I wasn't feeling like looking at a computer screen was like stabbing needles into my eyes, so here I am.

I'm home now, done with my first year of university.  I wish I wasn't home.  I wish I could fly back to the other side of the country, where nothing is real.  Going to university is like a pseudo-reality, a timeless place where everything is in its own little bubble.

Well, my bubble just got burst, that's for sure.  I got home about a week ago, to find the knives in the kitchen hidden.  My dad searched my bags for any sharps I could have brought home, confiscating a pair of scissors and my leatherman.  It's good to be home.....*sarcasm*

I started a "diet" on Sunday.  It's something my dad is doing, where he's cutting out all sugars and carbs for two weeks (that includes fruit), so I decided to join him.  It's just a more valid excuse to restrict.  For example, I did not have anyone home for breakfast or lunch, so I just drank water and diet coke.  For dinner, my dad took me out, where I ate a third of a chinese chicken salad (120) and had some more diet coke.  Plus I went for a 3 mile walk today (-320), so my net was actually negative today.  Small accomplishment.

On another note, I am kind of in an argument with P.  Mostly because he thinks I'm being unhealthy by going on a diet.  Little does he know....I shouldn't be mad at him, but he made a comment that made me irrationally angry.  It shouldn't have, but it did.  He basically lectured me about how to "properly lose weight".  Please.  I've seen 4 nutritionists, I was a nationally ranked athlete, and my parents are health nuts.  Plus, OH YEAH, I have an EDNOS.  Does he honestly think I don't know what the "healthy" way to lose weight is? Seriously?  Just because I'm choosing to do things in a manner that satisfy my deranged mental needs doesn't mean I'm ignorant.  It really pissed me off.  Mostly because, although he is wonderful, P can be so fucking condescending that I really can't handle it.  I hate condescension, it is really one of the worst traits I could possibly think of in someone. But P is so wonderful otherwise that I forgive him for this particular flaw.

I really hope P doesn't read this.  I know he knows the url for my blog, so.....I guess we'll see whether or not he has kept his promise to not look on here anymore.

xoxo

Thinspo At Its Finest

Guys, I found a tumblr completely devoted to thigh gap thinspo.  I can't even....I'm obsessed with this new tumblr.  Thigh gaps are my favorite form of thinspo.  Here's the link, if you all want to check it out....I can't stop scrolling down, it just goes on and on.

http://mind-the-thigh-gap.tumblr.com/

Update tomorrow when I'm less tired and migraine-y.  Love you girlies.

FATFATFATFATFATFAT

Side Note

Also, I forgot to mention that, without being able to cut, I burned the absolute shit out of my arm with my roommate's lighter.  So that's a thing......sooooo many blisters.  I finally have marks that show how disgusting I am.

Burning and Blisters

Like my alliteration in the title there? Too bad I'm not an English major, that won't get me jack shit in biology....

Anyways, update time.  I have eaten 2155 calories today.  All in one sitting. Which I then proceeded to purge within 30 seconds of taking the last bite.  I got everything up, but I think I'm still going to drink some senna later, or pop some laxatives....I'll have to go to the pharmacy to get those.  But that's okay, I need the exercise.

I sound all nonchalant about this, but I'm honestly in shock that I consumed that much food.  I haven't had that many calories in one sitting in....well, I can't even remember the last time it happened.  I'm not a binger usually, and I stay away from purging as much as possible.  Restricting is my game of choice.

Yesterday I had a full-on mental breakdown.  I was eating lunch with a couple of my friends, and at some point I was just overcome with rage at all of them.  I wanted to punch all of them, they were being so fucking infuriating.  So I got up and left.  As I was walking back to my dorm, this feeling of fire started to spread under my skin, and I had the strongest urge to cut or just beat the shit out of myself.  I needed to make that feeling go away.  Unfortunately, my sharps are being monitored, so I can't cut.  I resorted to punching and kicking a brick wall in the basement of my building.  I wanted to pull my hair out, scratch my face, cause some sort of harm.  I hate it, this mind, this body of mine.  It won't ever do what I want it to.

I texted P yesterday saying "I think I'm going fucking insane." He obviously freaked out, and by the time he found me, I lied and said that I had calmed down and was feeling fine.  I don't know why I always send these stupid texts when I'm in emotional turmoil.  I always text P when I've cut or something bad is happening in my head; it's like I relish the fact that he can't do anything about it.  It's horrible, I'm such a terrible person.  I love him so much, but he can't save me from myself.

I'm just going to liquid fast until I faint.

AWOL

Hello beautiful girls,

I would just like to thank the lovely Rain for getting me back on here, I was lost and wandering a bit without you guys.  So, update on what's been happening....I had to go back and read my last few posts so that I knew what I have and have not told you guys.  Brace yourselves for a long post with possibly a few mindless rants....

Okay, so first of all, I should tell you about this friend of mine.  I have referred to him once or twice, he's the one that I consider like my brother.  For the sake of this blog, lets call him P.  So, P and I have been friends since the beginning of the year (he is one of my university friends), but we only started getting really close about 4 months ago when he started helping me clean up my cuts and I basically dumped my entire fucking life story onto his lap.  I feel bad, sometimes, I feel like I dragged him into this by telling him everything, and now since he's such a good guy, he doesn't feel like he can abandon me right now.

So, we have been getting closer.  Like really close.  First, you should know that he has a girlfriend.  Second, you should know that I'm still desperately crushing on W (who I'm still good friends with, and who is also still taken), which P knows about.  These two things have made it so that we have emotional barriers that keep us from looking at each other as anything but friends.  But in some ways that makes our relationship more dangerous.  It's almost like, since we know that anything we do will not have romantic implications, there is a lack of boundaries between us.  Sometimes on the weekends, he will just fall asleep in bed with me.  Other times, like last night, we'll just spend hours hugging each other and just staring at each other, playing with each other's hair and whatnot.  We also spend pretty much any time that we don't have class together.  Breakfast, lunch, dinner, studying, chilling.  All. The. Time.

From what I've just described, to the outside observer it could be seen that we are sort of a thing.  I have had several people come up to me at parties and ask me if we are together, because we'll just chill with his arm around me and my head on his shoulder.  Even my friends have started to be a little bit weirded out, I think.  They don't say anything to me directly, but I feel like I'm always getting looks from them and I always have to assure them that I don't have any romantic feelings for him.  He's not my type, he's just my rock right now.  I love him to death, he truly is the bestest friend ever.

So, now that you have all of the background, here is what I actually was going to talk about.  So, last weekend, P's girlfriend came and visited.  I like her a lot, I had never officially met her, but I had talked to her online a couple of times, and video chatted with her over P's shoulder occasionally.  While she was here, I had a really close family friend die (which I'm not going to talk about because it was just too fucking hard I don't want to deal with it right now), and I basically had an emotional breakdown.  I could have just gotten a hug from anyone, I was crying so hard that I couldn't really register anything, but P just happened to be the one in the room when that happened.  So he was comforting me, and finally I decided to go to bed and he left.  So I turned off my light to sleep, and he came back in and sat on my bed, just sort of stroking my hair to get me to calm down.  Our friends came in and checked on us, because his girlfriend was wondering where the hell he was, and they saw the lights off and expected the worst.  His girlfriend was not happy, and I'm kind of afraid that I blew it with her. I really wanted her to like me, because he is such a big part of my life, but I think things will always be strained between us, and that makes me sad.

Wow, I'm so sorry about how long that was.  But now you all know about P, so for future reference when I talk about him....haha

About my weight.  Last weekend, I was the lowest weight I have been since before Christmas, which makes me......I don't want to say happy, because I will never be happy with my weight.  But it makes me feel motivated to keep going.  Also, W has been trying to coax me into joining the track team, so I have started training and running everyday so that when I actually do go and talk to the track coach, he won't think it's just a joke.

The liquid fast I talked about the last time I posted I think is what finally pushed me to lose a few more pounds.  I'm thinking of doing another one this week, anyone want to join?

Love you all so much, and I'm seriously going to start posting more.  If I had long drawn out posts like this every time, I'm pretty sure I would lose all of my followers.

Red Hair Was A Bad Choice

Hello beautifuls!

I'm sorry I haven't posted in such a long time, my life has been absolute chaos, with someone looking over my shoulder at every turn.  I haven't had a moment alone to just sit down and write to you guys in awhile.

I have had so much going on in my life, it's crazy.  First of all, I've been seeing a councillor AND a psychiatrist.  My councillor is nice, she's about 65 and kind of adorable in that old lady sort of way, but I don't feel like she's being effective at all.  But my school provides 10 free sessions, so I've been going once a week to keep my friends happy.  That's an hour every wednesday that I don't have to be studying, so I'm not complaining.  But I think my friends are disappointed that it's not being more effective.  I have still been cutting and last night I had a suicide scare, so.....

The psychiatrist has me on Lexapro.  So far it hasn't been at all helpful.  Are any of you guys on it?  Let me know, I'd love to hear your guys' experiences with it if you have any....

So yeah, basically "recovery" has been taking over my life.  This is because by "recovery" I mean putting on a front for my friends so that they think I'm okay so they'll leave me alone and I can continue to do what I want (cut and starve....it's that simple).  It turns out that, while I am a good actress and no one is suspecting me so far, this is completely exhausting as the web of lies gets more and more complex.  I feel awful for lying to my friends, even if it's only by omission, because I know that they love me and just want me to get better.

But I can't.  I need to be skinny like I need oxygen.  I see the cuts on my arms and legs and it is the only thing that truly calms me down.

I'm going to do a 3 day liquid fast, does anyone want to join me?  Lots of green tea, diet coke, and water. I might even drink some senna tea and do a real cleanse so that I'll have an accurate number at the end of everything....

On a completely random note, I dyed my hair again.  I made the mistake of 1) doing it myself and 2) dyeing it red.  It looks horrible, I'm going back to the pharmacy tomorrow to buy a box of dye in my natural color so I can just forget I ever committed this monstrosity to my hair.  My poor hair, first I chop off 10 inches, and then I go dye it a horrible color.....Bleh, sorry, ranting again.

I miss you all dearly, and I am going to try to post on a more regular basis now.  I have other things to tell you guys, but I think I'll save some of it for my next post so I don't bombard you all with my craziness.

Stay strong, darlings <3

Constantly Nauseous

My friends don't know what it feels like to be so sad that you want to die. That the thought of your continued existence makes you constantly sick to your stomach. I miss you, loves. I'll update when I have the chance.

Shock

I came back to check up on you guys, because I hadn't in a few days, and I came back to a horrible shock.  It's not my place to talk about it, but if you all could send little Rose as much love and support as you can, I have a feeling that it would help.  Honey, if you're reading this, just know that you're in my thoughts.

New York as been pretty good. Not fasting, but I have been restricting, splitting a non-fat muffin with my sister for breakfast every morning, and then not eating until dinner when all I eat is some lettuce and cucumbers.  And I'm walking everywhere, which has actually meant walking all day, so that's good :) Burning lots of calories.  I'll fast tomorrow because I hate eating at the airport/when I'm traveling, so when I weigh myself at home, it should be a fairly accurate number!

My friend is trying so hard to heal everything that is wrong with me.  I haven't really talked much about him, I just call him "my friend', but really he is like my brother.  I swear, if he could, I bet he would do anything it took so that I could be happy with myself.  The thing is, I don't even know what that is anymore.  What is life without that bitch hissing in your ear that you're stupid/ugly/fat/disgusting/horrible? I don't know.

I like where I'm at.  Correction: I like how where I'm at is going to get me to where I want to be.  Skinny. Beautiful.  Untouchable.  Fearless.

I'll be able to fly.

Updateeee

Hello lovelies <3

So I have finally reached 50 followers.  I know that some of you have a LOT more than that, which is wonderful, but it means so much to me that all of you guys read what I have to say.  You are all so lovely and wonderful and thank you so so so so much for putting up with my crazy.

I have some news from this weekend.  Long story short, I shouldn't drink when I am an emotional wreck. Which is all the time.  So on Friday night, I got very drunk on a bottle of wine that my friend got for me and him to split, which I ended up drinking by myself.  I was a very large bottle, bigger than your average 5 glasses....Anyways, I ended the night crying, scratching at the scabs on my arms, and trying to go to the bathroom to purge all of the wine I drank.  I was out of control, and my friend had to basically hold my hands behind my back to keep me from doing anything.  He tried to stay with me all night, but he had to go to the bathroom for a moment, and while he was gone I purged into my garbage can.

I went to the councillor thing on Wednesday.  Turns out that my psych evaluation isn't for another two weeks.  This evaluation was just to make sure I needed one.  Conclusion? Yes, yes I do.  Crap.

I'm staying at a friend's house for the night, but then tomorrow morning I'm getting on a train to the Big Apple to spend a few days with my sister :) I'm so excited, I've never been there! And with her on her crazy audition/ballet diet, I can surely get away with eating quite minimally.  Maybe even fast for the weekend!

It's been a dreary past few weeks, so I'm glad that I finally have a chance to get off campus and do something fun.  I'll try to post a little more often, I miss you guys when I don't!

<3

Decision

Thank you Astra, for your advice.  I think I am going to go to the appointment tomorrow.  I think it will be best for everyone...if I stay on my friends' good side, and they think I'm going to see someone about this....stuff, then I think I am going to have a little bit more freedom.

I don't even want to talk about my intake today.  It was horrible.  And I'm so sick so I haven't been able to do anything except lay in bed.  My nightstand has three empty boxes of tissues, and almost two empty bottles of NyQuil.  Although the part of my illness where I have no appetite hit me this evening, so all I had for dinner was some water.  What a relief, after the crap I've been eating these past couple of days....I've been trying to talk to my friend about it, because I have been going absolutely crazy with no outlet (because they took my razor blades), so I just needed to VENT to someone, but I'm horrible at bringing this stuff up and so I've just been stuffing it and I haven't been posting here as much as I should and I feel like I'm about to explode!!!!

I'm depressed and angry and scared and anxious and I just want it to stop.  Just STOP.

But what would I do without the madness?


Just something to think about.... Stay strong loves.

Fluxuations

I hate when my weight goes all crazy.  So what happened after my last post was that I gained back three pounds, although I'm pretty sure it was all muscle weight, because then I proceeded to lose 5 pounds. That was just in one week!  So it was a net loss of 2 pounds, which is good because as soon as I discovered I had gained back 3 pounds, I freaked.

I'm getting leaner again, from working out.  My roommate and I do this workout thing every day now, and it absolutely kills. It's kind of a combination of ballet, yoga, and orthopedic exercises.  I love it! So I do that every day and then I do cardio on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  I don't remember if I've told you guys this already, so bear with me if I have.  I've been a little scatterbrained as of late.

So my friends have said that they want me to start seeing someone, for treatment and stuff.  I don't know why they are doing this, I have made it pretty clear (or as clear as I could without being a bitch to them), that I do not want treatment, that I am just fine with how things are right now, thank you very much.  But they have somehow got me an appointment for an evaluation on Friday... I don't know how I'm going to get out of it.  I guess I could just disappear after my classes on Friday... that's what I did the morning after my incident a couple of weeks ago.  I have a bad habit of running away from problems rather than confronting them, but in this situation I don't know what else to do... I have already seen people for my eating disorder and depression (not helpful at all), and while I haven't officially been diagnosed for some of my other neuroses, I'm pretty sure that I have symptoms of a manic depressive with some OCD tossed in there.  Yippie.  I don't need some evaluation to tell me that I am indeed quite fucked up.

Any ideas on what I should do?  If I don't go, I'm pretty sure my friends will feel a bit betrayed, but I'm sure they'll understand, even if I did want treatment I wouldn't rush into things like that.

Having lunch with my bestie in about an hour.  Probably just going to drink some water. I've been pretty sick, so I'll just use that as an excuse for not eating.

Stay strong, lovelies <3

Finally getting over my plateau

Hey girlies!

So, I've lost two pounds in two days, so you know, that's awesome.  Also, I started working out again, which means that my metabolism is picking up again.  Finally.

I did two hours on the elliptical today, burned 1230 calories.  I probably should have stopped when I started seeing black spots in my vision, but I couldn't feel the burn so I just kept going.  I'm exhausted now, but really happy that I pushed through.  I'm unstoppable!!!!

It's only been a few days since my last post, so why does it feel like it's been weeks?  I'm about to go check up on you all, love you!!

Stay strong <3

It is...a bundle of deadly contradictions: a desire for power that strips you of all power. A gesture of strength that divests you of all strength. A wish to prove that you need nothing, that you have no human hungers, which turns on itself and becomes a searing need for the hunger itself.

Reading Wasted again. Love this book.

Last Night

So I have an interesting story for you all.

Last night was my friend's birthday, so we decided that getting very drunk off of champagne and such would be a good idea.  And it was, for a little while.

But the thing is, I have been upset and on the verge of cutting for a few days now, and once my happy drunk began tapering off last night, I got very depressed.  So I grabbed my brand new razor blades and I cut.  Then I went back in and hung out with my friends, bandages on my arms. They didn't notice because they were all too drunk.

I wish that was all that happened.  After I went back in, I only stayed for about half an hour before I started to feel claustrophobic, so I grabbed the razor blades again and went and lay out on the couch.  At this point, I was tired, still drunk, and very depressed.  So I turned on Sia's "Breathe Me", took out my razor, and...well, you get it.  But basically I cut very deep.  Very deep.

I passed out on the couch in my dorm's common room, and when all of my friends came out of my room and into the common room, looking for me, they found me with a bloody razor in my hand, passed out, blood dripping from my arm and fingers onto the couch and down on the floor.  I was apparently shivering and shuddering like it was freezing out.

So yeah, that was my evening.  My friends all know about that particular issue I have now.  My one friend was crying when he found me, because I was bleeding from my wrists and I was passed out.  I ended up being the one that comforted him.

I'll post again later, my thoughts are a bit of a jumble right now.  Love you all <3

Fast=Success

Hey girlies.

I was going to post on Monday about my weekend fast, but I've been so busy and haven't had the chance to be on blogger at all, so I'm finally getting around to it.

Sooooo I lost 3.6 pounds over the weekend :) That was nice.  Not the 4 pounds I wanted, but right now with the not working out and such, I'll take what I can get.  I can't wait until I can work out again, this is driving me crazy.

Anyhoo, short post today.  I have a pack of razor blades in my desk drawer that taunt me daily, that was an impulse buy....Probably going to use them tonight.  Despite the loss, I've been feeling very dead and despondent, and at least if I cut I'll feel something.

I've been listening to Pink Floyd, and there's a line in they're song "Brain Damage" that describes how I've been feeling recently...

There's someone in my head, and it's not me.....


Stay strong, pretty girls <3

Plateau

I've hit a plateau.  My restricting isn't quite cutting it right now, so do you know what that means?  WEEKEND FAST WOOOOOO!

Already planned my intake for the day:
Breakfast: Green Tea
Lunch: Diet Coke
Dinner: Green Tea
In Between: WATER

Today and tomorrow :) and if I'm feeling up for it, I'll do it Monday too.  Finally, a concrete goal.  Gunna lose 4 pounds by the end of this weekend, I can feel it.

Love you all.

What?

I inexplicably spent two hours last night surfing the internet for sites where I could buy sleeping pills.  I haven't been suicidal for a couple of months now, but it just slithered back into my thoughts.  It was so natural to think about it.

If I just downed the bottle, I would be gone.  Floating away in a dreamless cloud.  Peaceful at last.....


Intake today....
Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit (60)
Lunch: Wheat Bagel w/ Lite Cream Cheese (WHY????.....310)
Dinner: 1 roll (80), lettuce (10), frozen yogurt (again, why?????.....88)

Total is around 700.  Not horrible, but not where I'd like to be.  I don't lose at 700, inexplicably.

Should I just escape all of this? It would be so easy.....

No, I am NOT hungry!

Haven't eaten anything today except for half of a grapefruit this morning.  60 calories.  Plus the 36 calories of supplements.  96 calories total.  It's verging on evening and my stomach is making loud noises and my head is starting to hurt.  But I am NOT hungry.  Even if my body is, I'm not.  Stupid body, can't ever do what it's told.

Sometimes I think it's easier to just fast rather than eat so little.  So much temptation to just keep eating.  But I can be strong.  I just have to keep my hands busy.  I'm currently  organizing all of the snacks that I have in my dorm room.  Sorting them by size and type of snack (sweet or salty), and then by caloric content.  Do any of you do that?  Store tons of food somewhere not so that you can eat it, but so you can have it perfectly and meticulously organized?  Maybe I should see someone about this, because that sounds like OCD to me.  Ah, well, I always knew I had that, I just never made it official.  I used to wash my hands for almost an hour, scraping away at the surface layer of skin until i had erratic scabs on the back of my hands.  That's not normal.  Oops.

After I finish organizing, I'm going to make pointless flashcards for my biology and chemistry classes.  Then I am going to write myself some quizzes to take.  Then maybe I'll vacuum.

See how good I am at the whole distraction thing?  They should give me an award.

Love you guys.

Idea?

So I keep coming across the concept of an "Ana Buddy". For those of you who may not know what it is, it's someone, from what I can tell, you can text during the day to help meet the goals for the day. Or something like that. Have any of you guys done this? What do you think? I'm debating getting someone like that....let me know what you think, and shoot me an email (listed on the side -->)if you might be interested. I'm still not sure whether I want to try it out or not, so I'm using you guys as my research :) Love you all!

Good News! Finally...

First off, I've been losing about 1/2 a pound to a pound everyday.  And that's without exercise, so yaaay for progress.  But I really do need to get to the gym, these crunches and pushups in my dorm room are annoying and awkward.

Also good news, my mother sent me a package that I just picked up, and it looks like my sister managed to slip in a bag of my favorite meal replacement drink mix.  That means I can drink that in the mornings, and then just drink lots of water and tea for the rest of the day and I'll be set!  It's only 190 calories (only....) and it fills me up so much that I don't even want to eat for the rest of the day.  I love my sister :)

Blogger is still being stupid and won't let me comment, but I promise I'm reading posts and thinking of you all.  Love you dears <3

Just Kidding, It Works

Hello lovelies.

I’m sorry that I haven’t been commenting on your posts.  I tried to several times, but either blogger or my internet wont let me for the time being.

First, I want to let you guys know that I started watching the TV show Skins yesterday, and by the second episode, I was absolutely in love with the character of Cassie.  For those of you who haven’t seen the show, Cassie is a girl of about 16 or 17 who struggles with anorexia.  She is one of the first accurate portrayals of someone with ED and other disorders that I have seen on television or in movies.  The steel determination behind the whimsical and happy facade, the little bit of crazy coming to the surface....She's a character I can relate to.


So if you follow my tumblr, that's why there have been many GIFs and pictures of her showing up on my page.


Today's damage....
Breakfast: Banana (105), Tea (0)
Lunch: Salad with spinach, kidney beans, and fat free cottage cheese (253)
Dinner: Lean Turkey Patty (100)
Snack: Seaweed Snacks (60)
Supplements: Cod Liver Oil and Vitamin C (52)
Total for the Day: 570 calories


All in all a pretty good day.  I'm going to try to do something similar tomorrow, but without the cottage cheese on the salad and green tea instead of the turkey patty.  That will bring my total around 400 calories (acceptable).  It kills me that my supplements have calories in them.  Maybe I'll avoid the seaweed snacks as well tomorrow and the calories from my supplements can count as the "snack".  I'm getting good at redistributing my calories again.  Ah, it feels good.


Part of me wants to get rid of those seemingly unnecessary calories in the supplements for good, but I know that they are helping me right now so they'll stay.


I love you all dearly.  As soon as I can comment again, you'll here from me <3

I'm sorry I can't comment or post anything right now, my internet is being stupid :(

Don't Do It.......too late.

Didn't binge, but I ate a normal amount at dinner tonight.  Even got dessert.  I don't know what I was thinking, it was more than I've eaten in over a week.

So when I got back to my dorm I went to the bathroom and purged.  Oops.

Going to the drugstore to buy razor blades tomorrow.

I gave my friend Wintergirls to read, and I just realized that I have highlighted that book and written comments in the margin, things like "I know exactly how this is," and "Lia is my thinspiration."  I hope she doesn't read the comments, I didn't remember them until after I gave them to her.

I hope you all are doing well.  I love you dearly.

I have become comfortably numb

Down. Down. Down.....

Was doing so well today.

Breakfast: Egg white (17), Tea (0)
Lunch: Steamed broccoli (30), water

Then came dinner.  I had chicken, even though I've been trying to go vegetarian.  Meat just has so many calories.  But it wasn't even just that I ate chicken, because if it had just been chicken I would have still come in way under 500 for the day.  No, it was chicken with a fattening sauce and mac'n'cheese.  Why.

It's not the end of the world, I know.  I have had way worse days, but that food is just sitting in my stomach like a lead weight.  I have been doing so well with the restriction and the liquid fast yesterday, I was feeling so light!!! And now I feel like I have just been pulled back to the ground.  With a great thud. I just feel like I haven't been able to catch a break these past few days, in general, and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

That's the other thing.  I have been having crazy mood swings.  One moment I feel as high as a kite, lighter than air, giggling and joyous.  And then the next I am silent, despondent, depressed, despairing.  I'm out of control.  My mom says that I should see someone, that I should get medication.  That's why I was so glad to go to college though, to get away from that.  I don't want to take pills.  I don't know what they'll do to me.  I'm scared.  My world is going topsy turvey and I don't know which way is the right way anymore.

My usual knife is dull, no matter how much I press I can't cut.  No relief.  No relief.  I'm hugging my knees, rocking back and forth.  Maybe I'll go by razors.  I promised W I wouldn't, but..............

I feel myself spiraling down again.

Thank you

I can always count on you guys to leave the sweetest comments.  I was really in bad shape last night, in general, and then getting stranded pushed me over the edge and I had a bit of a meltdown.

But not to worry, my parents wired me some money and I got to stay at a nice hotel last night, read my book, take a long shower, and then sleep somewhere other than the airport terminal.  I'm back here this morning, and getting on a flight in about half an hour.

I have so much to do when I get back to school.  I start classes right away on Monday, and I'm feeling a little crazed and unprepared.  I have so much reading I feel like I should have done, so much organizing in my room to do....I have to go shopping because I am completely out of everything.  I'm not even going to be able to take a shower until I get the shopping done because I need to buy shampoo and conditioner.

These are all household-y things though, which I enjoy doing.  They distract me from other things (like eating).

On a different note....I hope my bags are still at my final destination.  They had almost all of my worldly possessions in them.  I guess we'll see.

Had a bottle of water and some aloe juice (60 calories) for breakfast.  I figure a liquid fast is just what I need to get my semester kicked off.

I hope you all are doing well.  I meant to leave comments yesterday while I was stuck in the terminal, but the internet wasn't working.  I'm going back and leaving them today.  Love you all! Thanks again for the words of comfort.  Oh! And since I don't ever receive an insane amount of comments, I think I'm going to start having a comments response section of my posts occasionally, at the end.  So here goes:

Responses:
Depressed Skinny Mess- You're wonderful, dear, when I read that I just took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and began to calm down xoxo
stillimagining- Thank you, after an evening of having airport officials tell me it was my fault that me and 15 other passengers had missed our flight, I needed to hear that <3
Just Me- What happened was the gate agent didn't call boarding, so the only people who made it on the plane were pre-boarders.  There were about 15 of us just waiting at the gate, and the plane left without us.  So I was going to have to sleep at the airport.  But I got booked on another flight this morning, so hopefully the rest of my trip runs smoothly.  I'm tired, but feeling better this morning than I did in the sheer panicked state I was in last night <3

Stranded

I'm stranded at an airport.  I don't know how I'm going to get to school by Monday, I'm freaking out.  I have tears streaming down my face, I just want to be home in my dorm room.  I hate flying, I hate airports. This is just a horrible day.

By the way, I made a twitter account, it's listed on the side over there -->
Follow if you want.

I feel so defeated right now, I just have had such a bad day.

Been Away Too Long

I've had some catching up to do on all of your blogs.  So much has happened, and I'm so sorry for being away and not available to give you whatever words of comfort I could.

I've started doing an eating thing where I drink a 100 calorie meal replacement in the morning, I have a hard boiled egg-white in the afternoon, and then an apple at dinner.  I was reading Kim's posts yesterday (I'm so glad she's back....if you don't follow her, do it.  She's one of my favorite angels on here), and she apparently found some calorie free peanut butter, caramel, and other various spreads.  I'll try to hunt down the brand and post it on here, that could be a lifesaver for me once I got back to school.

I hate being home for the holidays.  It just makes me fat and depressed.  This year has been worse than usual because my family is living in a tiny apartment in San Francisco, so everyone is just jumping down each other's throats.  I think my sister has started going on proana tumblr blogs for thinspiration, which scares me.  She's always had some Mia tendencies, but I'm afraid it could flare up into a full on disorder if she keeps looking at them.  I know that isn't exactly how it works, she's not a wannorexic, but looking at the posts and the pictures I fear will have something click in her brain and her stubborn side will say "Let's see if I can push those limits, just because I can."  That's just how she is.  I've been showing her some of the girls on tumblr that are in recovery, who post the healthy stuff, so hopefully she'll stay there and won't stray into the darker corners.

Anyways, I'm considering making a twitter account as a sort of branch from this main blog.  It'll be more daily intake and weight, maybe some other things.  Fewer rants, because it's harder to do that with only 140 characters.  What do you guys think? Would you follow it?

So good to be back, you are all so beautiful and strong.  Together we can do this <3

New Year's Resolutions

• Lose 20 pounds by Gala (end of February)
• Stop drinking Diet Coke, replace with water
• Dry semester...that means no alcohol.  Period.  No exceptions.
• Go to the gym everyday.  I won't have ballet this semester, so I'll need some encouragement.  Help me out?

I love you girls so much.  I've missed you.  Welcome to the Year of Skinny.  We can do this!!!