Down. Down. Down.....

Was doing so well today.

Breakfast: Egg white (17), Tea (0)
Lunch: Steamed broccoli (30), water

Then came dinner.  I had chicken, even though I've been trying to go vegetarian.  Meat just has so many calories.  But it wasn't even just that I ate chicken, because if it had just been chicken I would have still come in way under 500 for the day.  No, it was chicken with a fattening sauce and mac'n'cheese.  Why.

It's not the end of the world, I know.  I have had way worse days, but that food is just sitting in my stomach like a lead weight.  I have been doing so well with the restriction and the liquid fast yesterday, I was feeling so light!!! And now I feel like I have just been pulled back to the ground.  With a great thud. I just feel like I haven't been able to catch a break these past few days, in general, and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

That's the other thing.  I have been having crazy mood swings.  One moment I feel as high as a kite, lighter than air, giggling and joyous.  And then the next I am silent, despondent, depressed, despairing.  I'm out of control.  My mom says that I should see someone, that I should get medication.  That's why I was so glad to go to college though, to get away from that.  I don't want to take pills.  I don't know what they'll do to me.  I'm scared.  My world is going topsy turvey and I don't know which way is the right way anymore.

My usual knife is dull, no matter how much I press I can't cut.  No relief.  No relief.  I'm hugging my knees, rocking back and forth.  Maybe I'll go by razors.  I promised W I wouldn't, but..............

I feel myself spiraling down again.