Burning and Blisters

Like my alliteration in the title there? Too bad I'm not an English major, that won't get me jack shit in biology....

Anyways, update time.  I have eaten 2155 calories today.  All in one sitting. Which I then proceeded to purge within 30 seconds of taking the last bite.  I got everything up, but I think I'm still going to drink some senna later, or pop some laxatives....I'll have to go to the pharmacy to get those.  But that's okay, I need the exercise.

I sound all nonchalant about this, but I'm honestly in shock that I consumed that much food.  I haven't had that many calories in one sitting in....well, I can't even remember the last time it happened.  I'm not a binger usually, and I stay away from purging as much as possible.  Restricting is my game of choice.

Yesterday I had a full-on mental breakdown.  I was eating lunch with a couple of my friends, and at some point I was just overcome with rage at all of them.  I wanted to punch all of them, they were being so fucking infuriating.  So I got up and left.  As I was walking back to my dorm, this feeling of fire started to spread under my skin, and I had the strongest urge to cut or just beat the shit out of myself.  I needed to make that feeling go away.  Unfortunately, my sharps are being monitored, so I can't cut.  I resorted to punching and kicking a brick wall in the basement of my building.  I wanted to pull my hair out, scratch my face, cause some sort of harm.  I hate it, this mind, this body of mine.  It won't ever do what I want it to.

I texted P yesterday saying "I think I'm going fucking insane." He obviously freaked out, and by the time he found me, I lied and said that I had calmed down and was feeling fine.  I don't know why I always send these stupid texts when I'm in emotional turmoil.  I always text P when I've cut or something bad is happening in my head; it's like I relish the fact that he can't do anything about it.  It's horrible, I'm such a terrible person.  I love him so much, but he can't save me from myself.

I'm just going to liquid fast until I faint.