Down, down, down I go

falling falling falling.......relapse.

Work in Progress.

Having troubles eating.  It's really scary to sit down and eat a "healthy" meal.  I'm really trying, I truly want to get better.  Right now I feel like I'm scaling the side of a cliff, my hands are barely holding the rocks with scrapes and cuts all over.  It would be so much easier to just push off the side and fall down......but I won't.  I can't.  I've come this far.  I can see the sharp rocks below growing ever distant, and I think I see a hint of a grassy top up above me.  I will not stop.  I can do this.  I can, I can, I can.  No one said it would be easy.......

Thank you for the beautiful comments a couple of you left.  I love you girls so much.

This post is more of a pep-talk for me than anything else, sorry 'bout that.

<3

I'm here...and I'm going to be alright.

At least, that's what I have to keep telling myself.

I know that I haven't posted in awhile.  I'm sorry about that.  Master Cleanse was a bust.

But that's not what I want to post about.  I would just like to tell you that I am actively seeking recovery.  I want to get away from this horrific monster that has controlled my life for years and years.  I am beautiful.  I am worth it.  I love my family, and I am re-learning to love myself.  Today, I had a raspberry smoothie and avocado toast for breakfast.  That was a little scary, so I only had an apple for lunch....but I'm working on it.  I'm talking to my parents and my sister, and they are being amazingly supportive, especially my mom.

For those of you who are still struggling, I just have this to say: I love you guys.  You understood me when I was going through my darkest of times, and for that all I can do is thank you.  I hope that one day you all can learn to love yourselves, and recognize how beautiful and amazing you are.  I stopped listening to that voice that kept telling me you can't and you're fat fat fat fat....and it has made all the difference.  I'm not saying that I'm miraculously better; I know that probably will never be true.  But I've finally discovered that I deserve to live the life that I want to live, and I don't want those shadows steering me around for the rest of my life.

I may not post again for awhile.  I'll occasionally check in, respond to comments or messages.  But I want to go live my life, as cliche as that sounds.  Just one small step at a time.

Much love <3

GUESS WHAT???

MASTER CLEANSE!!!!!!!! :D

Starting tomorrow :) I finally convinced my parents.

Love you guys.

Sparkling....

I got up at 5:00 this morning for a run, and decided to go to the pond near my house.  Since it was so early, I got to see the sunrise, which was beautiful.  The light reflecting off of the water resembled gold and silver scattering into little beads.  It was so peaceful....I think I'm going to make a habit of doing that every morning from now on.

I ate breakfast and dinner yesterday.  Breakfast was 1/2 cup of Kashi GO LEAN cereal (70 cals), and dinner was fish and asparagus with spinach pasta.  I had to eat it because we had a family meal, although my mom noticed me cutting my food to pieces, and then proceeding to eat clockwise around my plate.  She raised her eyebrows at me, but didn't comment.  Thank goodness.

I finally read Wasted.  It was incredible.  And intense.  I loved it, she is such an amazing writer.  My favorite english teacher noticed that I was reading it, and she knows about my "past", so she was a little bit worried, but I just told her a friend wanted me to read it, not to worry.  I hate lying to her.

I have my senior meeting at school to go to, so I better get offline.  Oh, and by the way, I have a goal to lose 13 lbs by May 16th.  Wish me luck!

Love you guys <3

prom

Prom sucked.  My dress was too tight, E didn't even seem to notice me, and there were no good parties to go to afterwards.

But I didn't eat all day.

Love you all <3

E.....and prom

I wrote a really long post yesterday, but as I was about to finish it up, my dad came home, so I had to close the window really fast.  So I lost my post!

I'm so tired right now....prom is tomorrow night, and right now I don't feel excited.  I should be excited.  The guy that I like is going with my group.  Huh, it's so weird, I just realized that it's been so long since my last post that I haven't told you about him :)  It makes me smile just to think about him.  For the sake of this blog, we'll call him E.  E is in my Russian Lit class, and I've kind of had a thing for him for almost 4 years now.  But recently he's actually started to notice me.  Like the other day, we hung out after school, just walking around campus and talking for almost 2 hours.  Then, instead of letting me walk home (I live about 2 blocks away from campus) he insisted that he drive me home.  I discovered that he has the same taste in music as me (which is awesome!)  He's so smart, too; he got into Stanford, and yesterday he found out that he got into Harvard. Harvard.  I fail at life in comparison to him, but he's super humble and doesn't rub it in your face, you know?  He's our class president and he's in journalism and he's a freaking amazing basketball player....There's pretty much nothing he can't do.  Which is why this little crush hasn't really moved past that point.  I know that I'm not good enough for him, no way.  Me with my B+ average and my quiet personality and my totally fucked up mind....

My dress for prom comes tonight.  I don't even know if I want to put it on; I don't want to see the fat pressing against straining seams, I don't want my legs bared for the world to see my trunk-like thighs.  It's going to be horrible.

I did a fast today, so if I can carry that through until tomorrow, maybe I'll feel better.  I doubt it, but it's worth a shot.

I'm sorry for the crappy post.  My mind is not all here today, so this is just some unfiltered garbage.

I love you all, and I'll try to post more, I promise <3

Stay strong, my dears.