Don't Do It.......too late.

Didn't binge, but I ate a normal amount at dinner tonight.  Even got dessert.  I don't know what I was thinking, it was more than I've eaten in over a week.

So when I got back to my dorm I went to the bathroom and purged.  Oops.

Going to the drugstore to buy razor blades tomorrow.

I gave my friend Wintergirls to read, and I just realized that I have highlighted that book and written comments in the margin, things like "I know exactly how this is," and "Lia is my thinspiration."  I hope she doesn't read the comments, I didn't remember them until after I gave them to her.

I hope you all are doing well.  I love you dearly.

I have become comfortably numb

Down. Down. Down.....

Was doing so well today.

Breakfast: Egg white (17), Tea (0)
Lunch: Steamed broccoli (30), water

Then came dinner.  I had chicken, even though I've been trying to go vegetarian.  Meat just has so many calories.  But it wasn't even just that I ate chicken, because if it had just been chicken I would have still come in way under 500 for the day.  No, it was chicken with a fattening sauce and mac'n'cheese.  Why.

It's not the end of the world, I know.  I have had way worse days, but that food is just sitting in my stomach like a lead weight.  I have been doing so well with the restriction and the liquid fast yesterday, I was feeling so light!!! And now I feel like I have just been pulled back to the ground.  With a great thud. I just feel like I haven't been able to catch a break these past few days, in general, and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

That's the other thing.  I have been having crazy mood swings.  One moment I feel as high as a kite, lighter than air, giggling and joyous.  And then the next I am silent, despondent, depressed, despairing.  I'm out of control.  My mom says that I should see someone, that I should get medication.  That's why I was so glad to go to college though, to get away from that.  I don't want to take pills.  I don't know what they'll do to me.  I'm scared.  My world is going topsy turvey and I don't know which way is the right way anymore.

My usual knife is dull, no matter how much I press I can't cut.  No relief.  No relief.  I'm hugging my knees, rocking back and forth.  Maybe I'll go by razors.  I promised W I wouldn't, but..............

I feel myself spiraling down again.

Thank you

I can always count on you guys to leave the sweetest comments.  I was really in bad shape last night, in general, and then getting stranded pushed me over the edge and I had a bit of a meltdown.

But not to worry, my parents wired me some money and I got to stay at a nice hotel last night, read my book, take a long shower, and then sleep somewhere other than the airport terminal.  I'm back here this morning, and getting on a flight in about half an hour.

I have so much to do when I get back to school.  I start classes right away on Monday, and I'm feeling a little crazed and unprepared.  I have so much reading I feel like I should have done, so much organizing in my room to do....I have to go shopping because I am completely out of everything.  I'm not even going to be able to take a shower until I get the shopping done because I need to buy shampoo and conditioner.

These are all household-y things though, which I enjoy doing.  They distract me from other things (like eating).

On a different note....I hope my bags are still at my final destination.  They had almost all of my worldly possessions in them.  I guess we'll see.

Had a bottle of water and some aloe juice (60 calories) for breakfast.  I figure a liquid fast is just what I need to get my semester kicked off.

I hope you all are doing well.  I meant to leave comments yesterday while I was stuck in the terminal, but the internet wasn't working.  I'm going back and leaving them today.  Love you all! Thanks again for the words of comfort.  Oh! And since I don't ever receive an insane amount of comments, I think I'm going to start having a comments response section of my posts occasionally, at the end.  So here goes:

Responses:
Depressed Skinny Mess- You're wonderful, dear, when I read that I just took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and began to calm down xoxo
stillimagining- Thank you, after an evening of having airport officials tell me it was my fault that me and 15 other passengers had missed our flight, I needed to hear that <3
Just Me- What happened was the gate agent didn't call boarding, so the only people who made it on the plane were pre-boarders.  There were about 15 of us just waiting at the gate, and the plane left without us.  So I was going to have to sleep at the airport.  But I got booked on another flight this morning, so hopefully the rest of my trip runs smoothly.  I'm tired, but feeling better this morning than I did in the sheer panicked state I was in last night <3

Stranded

I'm stranded at an airport.  I don't know how I'm going to get to school by Monday, I'm freaking out.  I have tears streaming down my face, I just want to be home in my dorm room.  I hate flying, I hate airports. This is just a horrible day.

By the way, I made a twitter account, it's listed on the side over there -->
Follow if you want.

I feel so defeated right now, I just have had such a bad day.

Been Away Too Long

I've had some catching up to do on all of your blogs.  So much has happened, and I'm so sorry for being away and not available to give you whatever words of comfort I could.

I've started doing an eating thing where I drink a 100 calorie meal replacement in the morning, I have a hard boiled egg-white in the afternoon, and then an apple at dinner.  I was reading Kim's posts yesterday (I'm so glad she's back....if you don't follow her, do it.  She's one of my favorite angels on here), and she apparently found some calorie free peanut butter, caramel, and other various spreads.  I'll try to hunt down the brand and post it on here, that could be a lifesaver for me once I got back to school.

I hate being home for the holidays.  It just makes me fat and depressed.  This year has been worse than usual because my family is living in a tiny apartment in San Francisco, so everyone is just jumping down each other's throats.  I think my sister has started going on proana tumblr blogs for thinspiration, which scares me.  She's always had some Mia tendencies, but I'm afraid it could flare up into a full on disorder if she keeps looking at them.  I know that isn't exactly how it works, she's not a wannorexic, but looking at the posts and the pictures I fear will have something click in her brain and her stubborn side will say "Let's see if I can push those limits, just because I can."  That's just how she is.  I've been showing her some of the girls on tumblr that are in recovery, who post the healthy stuff, so hopefully she'll stay there and won't stray into the darker corners.

Anyways, I'm considering making a twitter account as a sort of branch from this main blog.  It'll be more daily intake and weight, maybe some other things.  Fewer rants, because it's harder to do that with only 140 characters.  What do you guys think? Would you follow it?

So good to be back, you are all so beautiful and strong.  Together we can do this <3

New Year's Resolutions

• Lose 20 pounds by Gala (end of February)
• Stop drinking Diet Coke, replace with water
• Dry semester...that means no alcohol.  Period.  No exceptions.
• Go to the gym everyday.  I won't have ballet this semester, so I'll need some encouragement.  Help me out?

I love you girls so much.  I've missed you.  Welcome to the Year of Skinny.  We can do this!!!