Back to yo-yoing. My favorite.

As usual, when I start trying to restrict, I get really nervous and just end up fasting, which just ends in a binge over the weekend. Unacceptable.  I need to slowly decrease so I can maintain this. I had 633 calories for dinner last night, completely horrible. The only reason it ended up being okay was that I hadn't eaten anything all day already, otherwise it would have been way too much.

As it is, I still hate myself. It's like a robot feeding me, I feel like I have no control over my movements, suddenly there's food going in my mouth and I can't stop it.

All Alone in this Empty Apartment

Hello lovelies.

This week has been a weird one, as I have been entirely by myself.  I am the only one at work this week, my roommate is on vacation, and my cat is staying with my sister at my parents' apartment.  I think this is the longest time in a long time that I've gone without speaking out loud to someone. Like, I'm texting my friends, but I haven't had an in-person conversation in days.

I've been mostly restricting, only eat one full meal a day and I try to keep it at 500 calories or less.  Still feels like so much, I remember when I could fast for days in a row like it was nothing.  I need to get back to that.  I have found that the best way to fall back into this though (I sort of hate and love that I have a go-to pattern for relapse) is to start restricting steadily.  If I restrict too much too soon, I just give up and binge because I'm too hungry.  Fuck hunger.  Also, fuck the fact that alcohol has so many calories.  I would love to just get completely wasted on New Year's Eve, but instead I'm probably going to be miserably sober and just go to bed early.

Sometimes I wish I could just take a break from being me.

Updates and Realizations

My anonymous Twitter is starting to scare me.  I don't know if I can fully articulate why it is that I'm uneasy, but I think it has to do with a lot of the eating disorder community that tends towards that sort of instant validation, gratification.  While I do feel more connected to those followers, since conversations are a little easier to start, I find it to be oversimplifying when I try to explain what is going on in my head in 140 characters or less.  Sometimes it's a valuable tool, because I have a tendency to ramble and overthink, but other times I edit and edit and edit to the point where I don't feel like and individual anymore.  I'm just another mentally ill person shouting things like "I can't believe how fat I am" or "Why can't I lose these last 10 pounds??" or "I am so lonely".  In some ways it makes me feel more alone, more ostracized, like I'm shouting into an black hole where peoples' eyes pass over my words while scrolling through a feed, comprehending for half a second only to be replaced by the next person's cry into the abyss.

Anyways, life update.  I am working at a biotech company, back in California near where I grew up.  It's nice being back in California, but I miss New England. I miss how dark it gets, and how cold the air is, and how beautiful the snow is.  Everything here seems so endlessly consistent, full of drab grays.  Probably doesn't help that my job as a research scientist means I'm staring at lab instruments, pipets, and plates all day.  Even my new apartment seems hollow, empty somehow despite my lovely cat and decor.

Currently applying for graduate school.  I thought I'd need a good break from school after graduating from university in May, but man I was mistaken.  I miss it so much.  Hopefully going to get my PhD, how crazy is that? I feel like someone else is living my life.

I've been so bad about taking my medications.  They make me so sick that I have to be on heavy duty anti-nausea medication (like, the stuff they give to cancer patients during chemotherapy), which is pretty bad for you to take long term. And I take them daily.  So a lot of the time I just won't take anything (I'm the worst patient ever).

Oh, and I have full on relapsed.  Hello, eating disorder.

Am I back?

It's been years since I've been back here. I am so scared. But I also can't stay strong anymore. There is too much going on. I can't keep eating "normally". Fucked up that disordered eating is "easier" for me. Was massively triggered by the fact that I've yo-yo'd down and then back up a total of 20 pounds this year.

Are people still here? Am I just talking to the void of the internet as usual? Maybe it's for the best.

Oh hey! Remember me?

Wow.  I seriously cannot remember the last time I was on here.

Recently, I've gotten sucked into the black hole that is the Twitter Ana-family. It's actually severely out of control.  When I'm at work, I have my Twitter feed open on my computer AND on my phone.  At night, I lie in bed scrollingscrollingscrolling, keeping my sister awake with the light from my phone illuminating the room in a bluish glow.  Like, what???? But I do find that it's helpful for me to reach my goals when I'm on there.  The immediate feedback of my five-hundred-something followers keeps me strong, while an endless stream of thinspo keeps me distracted from food.

But it is difficult sometimes to express what's going on in 140 characters or less.  So I'm going to try to juggle both this blog and my Twitter from now on. Here's an update of what's been going on with me:

Last week was my birthday.  I had about 5 "birthday dinners" with a bunch of different people over the course of the entire week.  I ate just enough to get by, worked out like a motherfucker, and managed not to gain (I actually lost 2.6 pounds!).  This weekend my family and friends threw me a party, and we went to a fireworks extravaganza, where there was BBQ galore.  I quickly snagged a Diet Coke and tried to roam about with my friends without anyone noticing that I wasn't eating.  Unfortunately, my mom did notice, so she bought me a Linguica sausage (a million calories), and stood there watching me.  She didn't leave me alone until I had eaten the whole thing in front of her.  I felt so sick.  I felt disgusting.  I was actually crying by the time I finished it. I couldn't do anything to get rid of it.

Lucky for me, my body is NOT used to that much meat and fat, and I puked my guts out about an hour later.  I'm pretty sure the calories had already been absorbed, but at least I was empty.  Didn't even have to purge, my body just flat out rejected it.  SCORE.

My parents and sister are going to be gone for a week in two weeks, so I'm planning on doing a week-long fast while they're gone.  Super psyched.

That's all for now, I've missed you lovelies!!! xx

One of Those Days

It's one of those days where all I want to do is lay in bed and listen to angsty music.  Nothing too heavy, but like Paramore and some Avril Lavigne.  Not usually into the whole pop/rock thing, I'm more of an indie/alternative kind of gal, but it's just one of those days....

I don't want to be at work at all right now.  I'm sitting here at my desk, pretty much jumping out of my seat because I didn't get to go to the gym this morning but I still had three cups of coffee so I'm bursting with energy.  I guess that isn't really conducive to sitting and listening to music, but whatever.

I've been tweeting a lot more, I find that it helps me stay on track.  If any of you have a twitter and want to follow me, you'll find me at @FadingWhispers1.  I reached 100 followers yesterday on there, so that's cool.  I've lost 0.6 pounds in the past two days, which isn't anything to write home about, but it's not gaining so I'll take it.

My dad is going to be gone for a week and a half starting tomorrow night, so that's kind of amazing.  It means that my sister and I will have the apartment to ourselves.  I'm happy that my dad will be gone because things will be more relaxed, but I'm not sure how I'm feeling about my sister being there.  We've kind of been at each other's throats, so we'll see how that goes.  Maybe I'll just go stay at J's apartment this weekend until we can get into a pattern at the apartment where we don't end the day wanting to kill each other.  I love my sister to death, but neither of us is used to living with the other anymore.

Speaking of my sister, I weigh the same as her.  Crazy, right?  She's been "the skinny one" for so long now, but I'm going to pass her, and people aren't even going to know what happened.  I would actually weigh less than her if it weren't for my stupid boobs.  She's an A and I'm a C, so that's bound to be at least 1.5 or 2 pounds right there.  Sorry if that's TMI for you guys.

This has been yet another snapshot of the randomness/craziness that goes on inside my head.  Love you all xoxo

Follower Appreciation

I just want to say thank you for putting up with my mindless ramblings and craziness.  I know I'm not one of those super popular blogs, and I don't get a ton of comments, but just know that every comment that gets left is like a little gift to me, and it brightens my day so much.  You all are so beautiful, inside and out, and you deserve to have people telling you that every day.

I love you dearly. I don't know where I'd be without you all.

Shake Shake Shake

SlimQuik pills still making me shaky and nauseous.  Funny, usually it wears off by now.  Oh well, I have no appetite, I'm not complaining.

Intake today:
1/4 cup Kashi GO LEAN (+35 calories)
Cookie (+70 calories)
Diet Coke (+ 0 calories)
Total: 105 calories

I burned about 252 calories on the elliptical this morning, so my net calories for the day is -147 or thereabouts. I don't completely trust the calorie counts on the elliptical, but I definitely burned at least 200 calories.  I am hoping to stay under 200 calories for intake so that I can keep the net negative.  That means just some steamed veggies at dinner.  My dad is braising a beef roast or something ridiculous like that for dinner, and both my sister and I are planning on not eating it.  She's a ballet dancer and is on a break right now, and she had a freak out this weekend because since she's been on break, she's gained about 8 pounds.  In one week. I can't imagine that, I don't know how I'd be able to stay sane if I gained that much in just a week. Holy shit.

I'm plateauing again, and I think it's because I had started to shift my workout the last couple of weeks towards more strength training.  But starting this morning I did cardio, so....hopefully the weight will start falling off again.  I think I'll alternate days, one day cardio, next day strength.  And on days that I do strength I warm up for 15 minutes on the elliptical, so I'm still getting my heart rate up.

Blah blah blah, this stuff is probably kind of boring for you guys.  I hope you all are staying strong <3

GO ESPRESSO

I did half hour of cardio this morning, and then a shit-ton of abs work.  I wish I could have done more, but I needed to get to work.  Maybe when I get home I'll go for that 6 mile walk down to the beach or something when I get home....it's raining today, and I love walking in the rain.

Didn't eat breakfast.  As soon as I got to work I had three shots of espresso, and now I'm working on a nonfat Chai.  I'm hoping to have just Diet Coke at lunch, but I might have a little bit of the chicken noodle soup that I brought....I'll just strain it and only have the broth and veggies, no chicken or noodles.  Genius.

I'm feeling powerful today, like I can actually make it through the day and lose some weight in the process.  I don't know if it's my meds or what that's making me feel good, but I hope it lasts.  Probably won't, so I'll enjoy it while I can.

Stay strong my dears <3

In the Mourning

You escaped like a runaway train

off the tracks and down again

my heart's beating like a steamboat tuggin'

all your burdens on my shoulders

But in the mourning, I'll rise

In the mourning, I'll let you die

In the mourning, all my worry

Now there's nothing but time that's wasted

and words that have no backbone

now it seems like the whole world's waiting

can you hear me, echoes fading

And in the mourning, I'll rise

In the mourning, I'll let you die

In the mourning, all my worry

And it takes all my strength

not to dig you up from the ground in which you lay

the biggest part of me

You were the greatest thing

but now you're just a memory to let go of

But in the mourning, I'll rise

In the mourning, I'll let you die

In the morning, all my worry

Anyone else a Paramore fan?  I've had this song stuck in my head all day, its such a beautiful song.  Very mellow.  Anyways, today has been alright, intake-wise.  I woke up at 5:00 am and went to the gym, did my usual routine of cardio and aerobic stuff, then I ate a banana on my way into work.  Other than some water, diet coke, and my SlimQuick, that's all I've had today.  I'm a little shaky and dizzy, but that's most likely from all of the caffeine in those SlimQuick pills.  Not because I haven't had enough calories...let's face it, I'm too fat to get dizzy from not eating.....

Yuck

So it's safe to say that I am no longer used to eating a normal, healthy breakfast.  With the SlimQuick pills, I've found that the best thing I can do is take them as soon as I get up, eat breakfast (usually Kashi with almond milk, around 100 calories), and then I won't really consume anything except for Diet Coke and veggies at dinner for the rest of the day.  But this morning my dad was feeling like apologizing for being an ass the past week.  I actually have bruises on my shoulders and chest from where he grabbed me and threw me across our kitchen.  Oh well, shit happens.  Anyways, he felt bad so he made me breakfast: two eggs (140) and a bowl of blueberries (80).  I think it was the eggs that did me in.  Those combined with the SlimQuick pills made me so nauseous that as soon as I pulled into the parking lot at work, I ran inside, straight to the bathroom, and threw up.  It wasn't even purging, my stomach just couldn't take the heaviness of the eggs.  Now I'm sitting here feeling all light headed and gross.  What a great way to start off the day.

I've lost 10 pounds since I got home from university.  The goal is 17 more by the time I have to go back. Maybe I can actually do it...I've been going to the gym every morning during weekdays and doing 45 minutes of cardio and 15 minutes of strength training.  Nowhere near what I was doing when I was still doing gymnastics, but I'm not trying to bulk up, just get lean and speed up my metabolism.  I didn't get to go in this morning because my dad had a kidney stone procedure this weekend and wasn't feeling up to getting up so early (we go into work together).  But I'm going to drag his ass out of bed tomorrow morning so I can get my workout.  Or maybe if he's still not feeling up to it, I'll just get up super early at home and go for a run around my neighborhood.  I'm finally feeling motivated, and I'm not about to quit now.

I just wish I didn't feel so crappy...

Oh! One more thing.  I went to the doctor on Friday to get a psych and behavioral therapist referral (because the people I've been seeing are back at school, and after last weekend's meltdown, my parents aren't taking any chances), which was useless and a complete waste of time.  I left with no referral, no refill for my medication.  I don't know how that happened, it just did.

Anyways, I hope you lovelies are doing better than I am.

Goodbye

Today is his memorial service.

Oh god, why does he have to be gone.

I can't believe this

So, I thought last weekend was a mess....boy was I wrong.

It all started on Saturday afternoon.  I had agreed to make dinner for a couple of my guy friends, even though I wasn't feeling well and I didn't really want to see either of them.  So I went to the store to pick up some things that I needed, and as I'm walking down the frozen foods aisle, I grab a New York cheesecake.  A fucking cheesecake.  When I got home, I threw down the rest of the food I had bought, grabbed a fork, and before I knew it, half of the cheesecake was gone.  I knew with something that high in calories, senna wasn't going to be effective enough to have me not absorb all of those calories, so I purged, drank some water, and purged again until all that was coming up was bile.  This all went down before it was 3:00 pm, I still had the rest of the day to get through.

My friends got to my apartment at about 5:00, wine in hand, ready to be fed and have a good time.  I had about three glasses of wine while they ate their food; not enough to be drunk, but definitely enough to be tipsy.  My friends, on the other hand, drank about a bottle and a half each.  Before I knew it, they were all over me, putting their arms around me, nuzzling my face, rubbing their hands on my thighs.  I freaked the fuck out.  They're supposed to be my friends! Not try to drunkenly hook up with me.  I kept trying to push them off, make it clear that I didn't want to do anything, that I have NEVER seen them in that way, but they weren't getting it.  So I left.  I went to my room, locked the door, and tried to call P.  I needed him.  I needed to talk to him, he was one of the only people who knew about the sexual assault in my past.  I called, left one relatively calm message.  I called again, a little bit more panicked as the walls around me started to move towards me and I could still hear my "friends" in my living room, now trying to move on to my sister.  By the third voicemail I left him, I was sobbing, I needed OUT.  I told him I couldn't take it anymore.  I texted him a final farewell, and stood up, marched out the apartment and down the street.  My intention was to go jump in front of one of the trains that ran by my house.  In my distraught state, I didn't remember that these trains were no longer running.  Once that hit me, I tried throwing myself in front of cars.  You guys, I was so desperate for everything to be over.  I should have been hit, I don't know how I survived the night unscathed.  My sister found me crumpled up on the sidewalk about 10 blocks away from our apartment, sobbing.  She helped me get home, told my friends to get the fuck out, and then had to forcibly keep me from leaving my bed.  I must have passed out, because the next thing I remember is waking up at 4:30 am, mind completely clear and empty.  My dad was home, and both he and my sister were asleep.  I proceeded to clean the apartment, top to bottom, just to get my mind off of things.

That was just my Saturday.  Now, my Sunday was less eventful, but much much worse.

After talking to my dad and my sister, who were debating whether or not I needed to be put on house arrest until I was feeling more balanced, I went and got my computer to check my email.  What awaited me on my email sent me into an emotional black hole.  On Saturday one of my closest friends died in a freak accident that happened while he was abroad.  I loved this kid so much, he was one of the smartest people I had ever met.  He was truly an incredible human being, it's not fair.  I don't want him to be gone.  He can't be gone.  We were planning on Skyping with each other tonight, I had been looking forward to it for the past week.  But I won't get to talk to him ever again.  Never again.

That was my weekend.

Please Don't Let Me Eat

Please please please please, give me strength to resist anything going through these lips today.  I need that.  Desperately.  I'm pulling my hair out, I'm going insane.

PLEASE DON'T LET ME.

What A Weekend

I went and visited my friend at her university this weekend.  It was a total disaster.  She went to hang out with some other friends because I wanted to stay back in her dorm so I wouldn't eat.  On the first night I popped some sleeping pills so that I would just fall asleep and not eat, but on the second night, I spent the day purging every tiny thing that I ate.  My teeth hurt, my throat is raw, and I have bruises on my knuckles.

On another note, I have established that my relationship with P is rather unhealthy.  He always says things like "I love you as more than a friend, more than a sister, more than anyone I've met before" and then when I jokingly said that he was in love with me, he basically flat out said that he was.  But he's not, he doesn't see me that way.  He can't.  He has a girlfriend, and while I love him, I'm most assuredly not IN love with him.  He says he misses me so much, it hurts.  He is always going on about how he wants to be with me, hugging me, playing with my hair, just being close to me.  That's not normal friendships stuff.  He told me that if I did anything to put my life in jeopardy, he'd fly out here in a heartbeat.

On some level it's nice to know that he cares so much.  But it's scary.  I know I shouldn't be whining about having a friend who loves me this much, but....I don't know.  It just doesn't feel right.  It doesn't feel healthy.

I want this fat gone.  I need to not eat.  Not eating is good for me, it's good for my soul. I'm fatfatfatfat, I piggy bitch who needs to get herself under control.  I don't want to cry when I look in the mirror anymore.


As per usual, since I'm restricting but not exercising, my metabolism has come to a grinding halt.  I can feel it....isn't that weird? I feel like people without eating disorders aren't quite as in touch with these sort of bodily functions.  I can feel my metabolism slowing.  Or I can pick up on the results of it slowing.  I should start taking shots of espresso, or redevelop my taste for black coffee.  I should work on that.

Talk to you lovelies later, I'm sorry that I don't have any good news or anything of interest to talk about.

Slow Progress

I hate when I start slowing down in the losing department.  I've only lost 1.6 pounds this week....

I've decided that when I get back to school in September, I'm going to be a completely new person, one that my friends will hardly recognize.  I'll have different clothes, I'll have lost at least 20 pounds, and I'll carry myself with a new lightness of foot.  Everyone will be in awe of my transformation.

Well, everyone except me.  I hate that even when I get to that point, all I'll be able to think about is losing more, controlling everything even tighter.  There will be no endpoint.

I was Skyping with P last night, and I think I was finally able to describe to him on some level what it feels like to go through the stuff that I face on a daily basis.  He is always going on and on trying to guilt trip me out of attempting suicide or overdoses or restricting, and what he has never understood is that there is nothing logical or reasonable about these thoughts and feelings.  When I have these thoughts about stealing my dad's Vicodin and downing the bottle with some Tylenol and my whole bottle of anti-depressants, I don't think "Oh, I shouldn't do this because what would it do to P and my family if I did this? What would it put them through?"  He doesn't know what it's like to have your world shrink around you and have everything driven by a single thought.  He just can't imagine that level of tunnel vision.  And I think that's why it's so hard to describe to people without eating disorders or depression or OCD what these things driving our lives truly are; they aren't whims or stray thoughts that we chose to follow, they are compulsions, overwhelming emotions that cannot be ignored, that block out everything else.

I think I was finally able to explain that to P in a way that had him understand.  I still don't think he will ever quite get it, and I think he will still feel somehow personally or guilty if I do something drastic (other than slowly starving myself), but I think he will stop trying to guilt trip me.  Hopefully.

Clarification

I know that in my last post, I talked about only doing my internship because of the money, blah blah blah.  And I just wanted to clarify that I'm not like money crazy or something, I totally think that doing something you love is way more important than doing a job for the money.  However, I do not currently have the freedom to make that choice to do something I love, because I am trying to pay for college, which is totally worth this horrible summer job.

Just thought you guys should know.

Started Work....I hate this job

Well it's safe to say I will never be going into industry as a career.  I hate this internship so much.  I remember whining and complaining last summer about my research job and how I had to be away from home and E all summer, and how it was so hard blah blah blah....yeah, I'd give anything right now to be doing that job again.  And I totally could have, but this internship is paying about 5 times as much (not even kidding...I'm making almost $10,000 in 3 months.  I made $1,500 plus a free Macbook Pro last summer).

But that is seriously the only reason I'm doing this internship, because of the money.  It's not even in an area that I'm interested in; I'm obsessed with ecology and field research and saving sea turtles, and this internship is in bio engineering, which means I'm stuck behind a desk for 8/9 hours a day, sitting.  I'm on my third day and I'm already going absolutely crazy.

I need to get away.  Far away from everything, I feel so claustrophobic here. This morning when I was driving to work, all I could think about was taking my entire bottle of antidepressants, chasing it with some pills from my medicine cabinet, and washing it all down with a bottle of vodka.  I swear, I have the whole thing planned out, I just have to act on it.

I'm so tempted.

Thoughts

I want to cut so badly tonight.

Angry and Confused

Hello lovelies.

I said yesterday that I would update today when I wasn't feeling like looking at a computer screen was like stabbing needles into my eyes, so here I am.

I'm home now, done with my first year of university.  I wish I wasn't home.  I wish I could fly back to the other side of the country, where nothing is real.  Going to university is like a pseudo-reality, a timeless place where everything is in its own little bubble.

Well, my bubble just got burst, that's for sure.  I got home about a week ago, to find the knives in the kitchen hidden.  My dad searched my bags for any sharps I could have brought home, confiscating a pair of scissors and my leatherman.  It's good to be home.....*sarcasm*

I started a "diet" on Sunday.  It's something my dad is doing, where he's cutting out all sugars and carbs for two weeks (that includes fruit), so I decided to join him.  It's just a more valid excuse to restrict.  For example, I did not have anyone home for breakfast or lunch, so I just drank water and diet coke.  For dinner, my dad took me out, where I ate a third of a chinese chicken salad (120) and had some more diet coke.  Plus I went for a 3 mile walk today (-320), so my net was actually negative today.  Small accomplishment.

On another note, I am kind of in an argument with P.  Mostly because he thinks I'm being unhealthy by going on a diet.  Little does he know....I shouldn't be mad at him, but he made a comment that made me irrationally angry.  It shouldn't have, but it did.  He basically lectured me about how to "properly lose weight".  Please.  I've seen 4 nutritionists, I was a nationally ranked athlete, and my parents are health nuts.  Plus, OH YEAH, I have an EDNOS.  Does he honestly think I don't know what the "healthy" way to lose weight is? Seriously?  Just because I'm choosing to do things in a manner that satisfy my deranged mental needs doesn't mean I'm ignorant.  It really pissed me off.  Mostly because, although he is wonderful, P can be so fucking condescending that I really can't handle it.  I hate condescension, it is really one of the worst traits I could possibly think of in someone. But P is so wonderful otherwise that I forgive him for this particular flaw.

I really hope P doesn't read this.  I know he knows the url for my blog, so.....I guess we'll see whether or not he has kept his promise to not look on here anymore.

xoxo