Back to yo-yoing. My favorite.

As usual, when I start trying to restrict, I get really nervous and just end up fasting, which just ends in a binge over the weekend. Unacceptable.  I need to slowly decrease so I can maintain this. I had 633 calories for dinner last night, completely horrible. The only reason it ended up being okay was that I hadn't eaten anything all day already, otherwise it would have been way too much.

As it is, I still hate myself. It's like a robot feeding me, I feel like I have no control over my movements, suddenly there's food going in my mouth and I can't stop it.

All Alone in this Empty Apartment

Hello lovelies.

This week has been a weird one, as I have been entirely by myself.  I am the only one at work this week, my roommate is on vacation, and my cat is staying with my sister at my parents' apartment.  I think this is the longest time in a long time that I've gone without speaking out loud to someone. Like, I'm texting my friends, but I haven't had an in-person conversation in days.

I've been mostly restricting, only eat one full meal a day and I try to keep it at 500 calories or less.  Still feels like so much, I remember when I could fast for days in a row like it was nothing.  I need to get back to that.  I have found that the best way to fall back into this though (I sort of hate and love that I have a go-to pattern for relapse) is to start restricting steadily.  If I restrict too much too soon, I just give up and binge because I'm too hungry.  Fuck hunger.  Also, fuck the fact that alcohol has so many calories.  I would love to just get completely wasted on New Year's Eve, but instead I'm probably going to be miserably sober and just go to bed early.

Sometimes I wish I could just take a break from being me.

Updates and Realizations

My anonymous Twitter is starting to scare me.  I don't know if I can fully articulate why it is that I'm uneasy, but I think it has to do with a lot of the eating disorder community that tends towards that sort of instant validation, gratification.  While I do feel more connected to those followers, since conversations are a little easier to start, I find it to be oversimplifying when I try to explain what is going on in my head in 140 characters or less.  Sometimes it's a valuable tool, because I have a tendency to ramble and overthink, but other times I edit and edit and edit to the point where I don't feel like and individual anymore.  I'm just another mentally ill person shouting things like "I can't believe how fat I am" or "Why can't I lose these last 10 pounds??" or "I am so lonely".  In some ways it makes me feel more alone, more ostracized, like I'm shouting into an black hole where peoples' eyes pass over my words while scrolling through a feed, comprehending for half a second only to be replaced by the next person's cry into the abyss.

Anyways, life update.  I am working at a biotech company, back in California near where I grew up.  It's nice being back in California, but I miss New England. I miss how dark it gets, and how cold the air is, and how beautiful the snow is.  Everything here seems so endlessly consistent, full of drab grays.  Probably doesn't help that my job as a research scientist means I'm staring at lab instruments, pipets, and plates all day.  Even my new apartment seems hollow, empty somehow despite my lovely cat and decor.

Currently applying for graduate school.  I thought I'd need a good break from school after graduating from university in May, but man I was mistaken.  I miss it so much.  Hopefully going to get my PhD, how crazy is that? I feel like someone else is living my life.

I've been so bad about taking my medications.  They make me so sick that I have to be on heavy duty anti-nausea medication (like, the stuff they give to cancer patients during chemotherapy), which is pretty bad for you to take long term. And I take them daily.  So a lot of the time I just won't take anything (I'm the worst patient ever).

Oh, and I have full on relapsed.  Hello, eating disorder.

Am I back?

It's been years since I've been back here. I am so scared. But I also can't stay strong anymore. There is too much going on. I can't keep eating "normally". Fucked up that disordered eating is "easier" for me. Was massively triggered by the fact that I've yo-yo'd down and then back up a total of 20 pounds this year.

Are people still here? Am I just talking to the void of the internet as usual? Maybe it's for the best.

Oh hey! Remember me?

Wow.  I seriously cannot remember the last time I was on here.

Recently, I've gotten sucked into the black hole that is the Twitter Ana-family. It's actually severely out of control.  When I'm at work, I have my Twitter feed open on my computer AND on my phone.  At night, I lie in bed scrollingscrollingscrolling, keeping my sister awake with the light from my phone illuminating the room in a bluish glow.  Like, what???? But I do find that it's helpful for me to reach my goals when I'm on there.  The immediate feedback of my five-hundred-something followers keeps me strong, while an endless stream of thinspo keeps me distracted from food.

But it is difficult sometimes to express what's going on in 140 characters or less.  So I'm going to try to juggle both this blog and my Twitter from now on. Here's an update of what's been going on with me:

Last week was my birthday.  I had about 5 "birthday dinners" with a bunch of different people over the course of the entire week.  I ate just enough to get by, worked out like a motherfucker, and managed not to gain (I actually lost 2.6 pounds!).  This weekend my family and friends threw me a party, and we went to a fireworks extravaganza, where there was BBQ galore.  I quickly snagged a Diet Coke and tried to roam about with my friends without anyone noticing that I wasn't eating.  Unfortunately, my mom did notice, so she bought me a Linguica sausage (a million calories), and stood there watching me.  She didn't leave me alone until I had eaten the whole thing in front of her.  I felt so sick.  I felt disgusting.  I was actually crying by the time I finished it. I couldn't do anything to get rid of it.

Lucky for me, my body is NOT used to that much meat and fat, and I puked my guts out about an hour later.  I'm pretty sure the calories had already been absorbed, but at least I was empty.  Didn't even have to purge, my body just flat out rejected it.  SCORE.

My parents and sister are going to be gone for a week in two weeks, so I'm planning on doing a week-long fast while they're gone.  Super psyched.

That's all for now, I've missed you lovelies!!! xx

One of Those Days

It's one of those days where all I want to do is lay in bed and listen to angsty music.  Nothing too heavy, but like Paramore and some Avril Lavigne.  Not usually into the whole pop/rock thing, I'm more of an indie/alternative kind of gal, but it's just one of those days....

I don't want to be at work at all right now.  I'm sitting here at my desk, pretty much jumping out of my seat because I didn't get to go to the gym this morning but I still had three cups of coffee so I'm bursting with energy.  I guess that isn't really conducive to sitting and listening to music, but whatever.

I've been tweeting a lot more, I find that it helps me stay on track.  If any of you have a twitter and want to follow me, you'll find me at @FadingWhispers1.  I reached 100 followers yesterday on there, so that's cool.  I've lost 0.6 pounds in the past two days, which isn't anything to write home about, but it's not gaining so I'll take it.

My dad is going to be gone for a week and a half starting tomorrow night, so that's kind of amazing.  It means that my sister and I will have the apartment to ourselves.  I'm happy that my dad will be gone because things will be more relaxed, but I'm not sure how I'm feeling about my sister being there.  We've kind of been at each other's throats, so we'll see how that goes.  Maybe I'll just go stay at J's apartment this weekend until we can get into a pattern at the apartment where we don't end the day wanting to kill each other.  I love my sister to death, but neither of us is used to living with the other anymore.

Speaking of my sister, I weigh the same as her.  Crazy, right?  She's been "the skinny one" for so long now, but I'm going to pass her, and people aren't even going to know what happened.  I would actually weigh less than her if it weren't for my stupid boobs.  She's an A and I'm a C, so that's bound to be at least 1.5 or 2 pounds right there.  Sorry if that's TMI for you guys.

This has been yet another snapshot of the randomness/craziness that goes on inside my head.  Love you all xoxo

Follower Appreciation

I just want to say thank you for putting up with my mindless ramblings and craziness.  I know I'm not one of those super popular blogs, and I don't get a ton of comments, but just know that every comment that gets left is like a little gift to me, and it brightens my day so much.  You all are so beautiful, inside and out, and you deserve to have people telling you that every day.

I love you dearly. I don't know where I'd be without you all.