Am I back?

It's been years since I've been back here. I am so scared. But I also can't stay strong anymore. There is too much going on. I can't keep eating "normally". Fucked up that disordered eating is "easier" for me. Was massively triggered by the fact that I've yo-yo'd down and then back up a total of 20 pounds this year.

Are people still here? Am I just talking to the void of the internet as usual? Maybe it's for the best.

Oh hey! Remember me?

Wow.  I seriously cannot remember the last time I was on here.

Recently, I've gotten sucked into the black hole that is the Twitter Ana-family. It's actually severely out of control.  When I'm at work, I have my Twitter feed open on my computer AND on my phone.  At night, I lie in bed scrollingscrollingscrolling, keeping my sister awake with the light from my phone illuminating the room in a bluish glow.  Like, what???? But I do find that it's helpful for me to reach my goals when I'm on there.  The immediate feedback of my five-hundred-something followers keeps me strong, while an endless stream of thinspo keeps me distracted from food.

But it is difficult sometimes to express what's going on in 140 characters or less.  So I'm going to try to juggle both this blog and my Twitter from now on. Here's an update of what's been going on with me:

Last week was my birthday.  I had about 5 "birthday dinners" with a bunch of different people over the course of the entire week.  I ate just enough to get by, worked out like a motherfucker, and managed not to gain (I actually lost 2.6 pounds!).  This weekend my family and friends threw me a party, and we went to a fireworks extravaganza, where there was BBQ galore.  I quickly snagged a Diet Coke and tried to roam about with my friends without anyone noticing that I wasn't eating.  Unfortunately, my mom did notice, so she bought me a Linguica sausage (a million calories), and stood there watching me.  She didn't leave me alone until I had eaten the whole thing in front of her.  I felt so sick.  I felt disgusting.  I was actually crying by the time I finished it. I couldn't do anything to get rid of it.

Lucky for me, my body is NOT used to that much meat and fat, and I puked my guts out about an hour later.  I'm pretty sure the calories had already been absorbed, but at least I was empty.  Didn't even have to purge, my body just flat out rejected it.  SCORE.

My parents and sister are going to be gone for a week in two weeks, so I'm planning on doing a week-long fast while they're gone.  Super psyched.

That's all for now, I've missed you lovelies!!! xx

One of Those Days

It's one of those days where all I want to do is lay in bed and listen to angsty music.  Nothing too heavy, but like Paramore and some Avril Lavigne.  Not usually into the whole pop/rock thing, I'm more of an indie/alternative kind of gal, but it's just one of those days....

I don't want to be at work at all right now.  I'm sitting here at my desk, pretty much jumping out of my seat because I didn't get to go to the gym this morning but I still had three cups of coffee so I'm bursting with energy.  I guess that isn't really conducive to sitting and listening to music, but whatever.

I've been tweeting a lot more, I find that it helps me stay on track.  If any of you have a twitter and want to follow me, you'll find me at @FadingWhispers1.  I reached 100 followers yesterday on there, so that's cool.  I've lost 0.6 pounds in the past two days, which isn't anything to write home about, but it's not gaining so I'll take it.

My dad is going to be gone for a week and a half starting tomorrow night, so that's kind of amazing.  It means that my sister and I will have the apartment to ourselves.  I'm happy that my dad will be gone because things will be more relaxed, but I'm not sure how I'm feeling about my sister being there.  We've kind of been at each other's throats, so we'll see how that goes.  Maybe I'll just go stay at J's apartment this weekend until we can get into a pattern at the apartment where we don't end the day wanting to kill each other.  I love my sister to death, but neither of us is used to living with the other anymore.

Speaking of my sister, I weigh the same as her.  Crazy, right?  She's been "the skinny one" for so long now, but I'm going to pass her, and people aren't even going to know what happened.  I would actually weigh less than her if it weren't for my stupid boobs.  She's an A and I'm a C, so that's bound to be at least 1.5 or 2 pounds right there.  Sorry if that's TMI for you guys.

This has been yet another snapshot of the randomness/craziness that goes on inside my head.  Love you all xoxo

Follower Appreciation

I just want to say thank you for putting up with my mindless ramblings and craziness.  I know I'm not one of those super popular blogs, and I don't get a ton of comments, but just know that every comment that gets left is like a little gift to me, and it brightens my day so much.  You all are so beautiful, inside and out, and you deserve to have people telling you that every day.

I love you dearly. I don't know where I'd be without you all.

Shake Shake Shake

SlimQuik pills still making me shaky and nauseous.  Funny, usually it wears off by now.  Oh well, I have no appetite, I'm not complaining.

Intake today:
1/4 cup Kashi GO LEAN (+35 calories)
Cookie (+70 calories)
Diet Coke (+ 0 calories)
Total: 105 calories

I burned about 252 calories on the elliptical this morning, so my net calories for the day is -147 or thereabouts. I don't completely trust the calorie counts on the elliptical, but I definitely burned at least 200 calories.  I am hoping to stay under 200 calories for intake so that I can keep the net negative.  That means just some steamed veggies at dinner.  My dad is braising a beef roast or something ridiculous like that for dinner, and both my sister and I are planning on not eating it.  She's a ballet dancer and is on a break right now, and she had a freak out this weekend because since she's been on break, she's gained about 8 pounds.  In one week. I can't imagine that, I don't know how I'd be able to stay sane if I gained that much in just a week. Holy shit.

I'm plateauing again, and I think it's because I had started to shift my workout the last couple of weeks towards more strength training.  But starting this morning I did cardio, so....hopefully the weight will start falling off again.  I think I'll alternate days, one day cardio, next day strength.  And on days that I do strength I warm up for 15 minutes on the elliptical, so I'm still getting my heart rate up.

Blah blah blah, this stuff is probably kind of boring for you guys.  I hope you all are staying strong <3

GO ESPRESSO

I did half hour of cardio this morning, and then a shit-ton of abs work.  I wish I could have done more, but I needed to get to work.  Maybe when I get home I'll go for that 6 mile walk down to the beach or something when I get home....it's raining today, and I love walking in the rain.

Didn't eat breakfast.  As soon as I got to work I had three shots of espresso, and now I'm working on a nonfat Chai.  I'm hoping to have just Diet Coke at lunch, but I might have a little bit of the chicken noodle soup that I brought....I'll just strain it and only have the broth and veggies, no chicken or noodles.  Genius.

I'm feeling powerful today, like I can actually make it through the day and lose some weight in the process.  I don't know if it's my meds or what that's making me feel good, but I hope it lasts.  Probably won't, so I'll enjoy it while I can.

Stay strong my dears <3

In the Mourning

You escaped like a runaway train

off the tracks and down again

my heart's beating like a steamboat tuggin'

all your burdens on my shoulders

But in the mourning, I'll rise

In the mourning, I'll let you die

In the mourning, all my worry

Now there's nothing but time that's wasted

and words that have no backbone

now it seems like the whole world's waiting

can you hear me, echoes fading

And in the mourning, I'll rise

In the mourning, I'll let you die

In the mourning, all my worry

And it takes all my strength

not to dig you up from the ground in which you lay

the biggest part of me

You were the greatest thing

but now you're just a memory to let go of

But in the mourning, I'll rise

In the mourning, I'll let you die

In the morning, all my worry

Anyone else a Paramore fan?  I've had this song stuck in my head all day, its such a beautiful song.  Very mellow.  Anyways, today has been alright, intake-wise.  I woke up at 5:00 am and went to the gym, did my usual routine of cardio and aerobic stuff, then I ate a banana on my way into work.  Other than some water, diet coke, and my SlimQuick, that's all I've had today.  I'm a little shaky and dizzy, but that's most likely from all of the caffeine in those SlimQuick pills.  Not because I haven't had enough calories...let's face it, I'm too fat to get dizzy from not eating.....