Back from Russia

Hello loves,

I just got back from my trip to Russia and I am so jet lagged.   I came home and slept for 14 hours with the intention of just taking a one hour nap. Oops.

I couldn't eat anything in Russia, it was ridiculous.  I mean, I haven't been eating much at all recently because I'm in such an emotional turmoil that I tipped back over the edge, but I would usually have an apple for breakfast and a salad for dinner.  No lunch.  I had learned to work my routine to my advantage.  But in Russia, I had absolutely no control.  None.  Our group leader would take us to restaurants where they would just keep bringing out random food, fried with potatoes and meat and cream and fatfatfat, and I'm not going to lie, I freaked out.  I had to get up and leave the table more than once on this trip.  My roommate got a little worried, but she is such a bitch and I really didn't feel like talking to her about my issues.  She's one of those people who is super fake and tries to be nice to your face, but you know that as soon as you leave the room she'll be trash talking you.  I hate people like that.  My one friend on the trip did try to walk me through eating while I was there, but there were just too many options that I refused to even look at, so she eventually gave up.  I apologized later to her, because I know she was just trying to help.  But I had absolutely no control over the situation, so I was feeling defensive.  I definitely lost weight on the trip, on the plus side.....

Oh, more news about E.  I told him that I like him (it was a much more articulate way of saying that, but that was the gist of it), and he told me he was flattered.  And that he thought I was wonderful.  And he wants to spend time with me this summer, and hopefully next year too.  He doesn't care that we're going to different schools.

Yeah, cue me falling just a little farther for this guy.

I will probably get to post more, now that I'll just be living with my mom and not my whole family.  We'll see.  I always forget how much I love talking to you guys, it's so wonderful to know that I have support no matter what.  I love you all, you are my stability right now.

Contradictions

Okay, for the first time I am going to have a post that has nothing to do with my ED.  Absolutely nothing.

So I went to my Senior Farewell tonight, and E played in a lot of the sets.  He was...breathtaking.  I actually couldn't take my eyes off of him whenever he was on stage.  Fuck. And, dammit, I'm falling for him.  Hard.  And I can't afford to do that right now, not since after next Thursday I probably won't see him ever again.

This is so hard, guys.  I have so many emotions pent up right now that I feel like I'm going to explode.  I have tears streaming down my face because I'm sad and crazed and fucking bursting with about a million different emotions because I can never let anyone see how passionate I am about everything.  You know how there are people who have absolutely no filter between what they think and what they say?  I think mine's defective.....it's too thick.  I can't even respond to a simple question about school without frantically weighing my words and their effects on everyone around me, and how I'll look if I mess up.  That filter isn't letting me out, and whenever I manage to squeak past and put something out there, I have a backlash and I close in on myself again.

The way I'm phrasing this isn't exactly how I mean it; I'm not accusing some force outside of my control of not letting myself show.  I'm the one that's doing that, and I take full responsibility.  I'm just so scared.

Tonight, I had such conflicting emotions I swear I was about to rip apart.  I wanted to grab the front of E's shirt, pull him towards me, and never let go.  I've never wanted to do that so badly.  But that level of feeling scared me, so I wanted to push him and everything else as far away as possible, turn around, and run away.  Just keep running, and maybe I'll leave these crazed emotions and thoughts behind with E and the rest of my classmates.

Thanks for putting up with me, guys, I love you all so much.

Down, down, down I go

falling falling falling.......relapse.

Work in Progress.

Having troubles eating.  It's really scary to sit down and eat a "healthy" meal.  I'm really trying, I truly want to get better.  Right now I feel like I'm scaling the side of a cliff, my hands are barely holding the rocks with scrapes and cuts all over.  It would be so much easier to just push off the side and fall down......but I won't.  I can't.  I've come this far.  I can see the sharp rocks below growing ever distant, and I think I see a hint of a grassy top up above me.  I will not stop.  I can do this.  I can, I can, I can.  No one said it would be easy.......

Thank you for the beautiful comments a couple of you left.  I love you girls so much.

This post is more of a pep-talk for me than anything else, sorry 'bout that.

<3

I'm here...and I'm going to be alright.

At least, that's what I have to keep telling myself.

I know that I haven't posted in awhile.  I'm sorry about that.  Master Cleanse was a bust.

But that's not what I want to post about.  I would just like to tell you that I am actively seeking recovery.  I want to get away from this horrific monster that has controlled my life for years and years.  I am beautiful.  I am worth it.  I love my family, and I am re-learning to love myself.  Today, I had a raspberry smoothie and avocado toast for breakfast.  That was a little scary, so I only had an apple for lunch....but I'm working on it.  I'm talking to my parents and my sister, and they are being amazingly supportive, especially my mom.

For those of you who are still struggling, I just have this to say: I love you guys.  You understood me when I was going through my darkest of times, and for that all I can do is thank you.  I hope that one day you all can learn to love yourselves, and recognize how beautiful and amazing you are.  I stopped listening to that voice that kept telling me you can't and you're fat fat fat fat....and it has made all the difference.  I'm not saying that I'm miraculously better; I know that probably will never be true.  But I've finally discovered that I deserve to live the life that I want to live, and I don't want those shadows steering me around for the rest of my life.

I may not post again for awhile.  I'll occasionally check in, respond to comments or messages.  But I want to go live my life, as cliche as that sounds.  Just one small step at a time.

Much love <3

GUESS WHAT???

MASTER CLEANSE!!!!!!!! :D

Starting tomorrow :) I finally convinced my parents.

Love you guys.

Sparkling....

I got up at 5:00 this morning for a run, and decided to go to the pond near my house.  Since it was so early, I got to see the sunrise, which was beautiful.  The light reflecting off of the water resembled gold and silver scattering into little beads.  It was so peaceful....I think I'm going to make a habit of doing that every morning from now on.

I ate breakfast and dinner yesterday.  Breakfast was 1/2 cup of Kashi GO LEAN cereal (70 cals), and dinner was fish and asparagus with spinach pasta.  I had to eat it because we had a family meal, although my mom noticed me cutting my food to pieces, and then proceeding to eat clockwise around my plate.  She raised her eyebrows at me, but didn't comment.  Thank goodness.

I finally read Wasted.  It was incredible.  And intense.  I loved it, she is such an amazing writer.  My favorite english teacher noticed that I was reading it, and she knows about my "past", so she was a little bit worried, but I just told her a friend wanted me to read it, not to worry.  I hate lying to her.

I have my senior meeting at school to go to, so I better get offline.  Oh, and by the way, I have a goal to lose 13 lbs by May 16th.  Wish me luck!

Love you guys <3