Red Hair Was A Bad Choice

Hello beautifuls!

I'm sorry I haven't posted in such a long time, my life has been absolute chaos, with someone looking over my shoulder at every turn.  I haven't had a moment alone to just sit down and write to you guys in awhile.

I have had so much going on in my life, it's crazy.  First of all, I've been seeing a councillor AND a psychiatrist.  My councillor is nice, she's about 65 and kind of adorable in that old lady sort of way, but I don't feel like she's being effective at all.  But my school provides 10 free sessions, so I've been going once a week to keep my friends happy.  That's an hour every wednesday that I don't have to be studying, so I'm not complaining.  But I think my friends are disappointed that it's not being more effective.  I have still been cutting and last night I had a suicide scare, so.....

The psychiatrist has me on Lexapro.  So far it hasn't been at all helpful.  Are any of you guys on it?  Let me know, I'd love to hear your guys' experiences with it if you have any....

So yeah, basically "recovery" has been taking over my life.  This is because by "recovery" I mean putting on a front for my friends so that they think I'm okay so they'll leave me alone and I can continue to do what I want (cut and starve....it's that simple).  It turns out that, while I am a good actress and no one is suspecting me so far, this is completely exhausting as the web of lies gets more and more complex.  I feel awful for lying to my friends, even if it's only by omission, because I know that they love me and just want me to get better.

But I can't.  I need to be skinny like I need oxygen.  I see the cuts on my arms and legs and it is the only thing that truly calms me down.

I'm going to do a 3 day liquid fast, does anyone want to join me?  Lots of green tea, diet coke, and water. I might even drink some senna tea and do a real cleanse so that I'll have an accurate number at the end of everything....

On a completely random note, I dyed my hair again.  I made the mistake of 1) doing it myself and 2) dyeing it red.  It looks horrible, I'm going back to the pharmacy tomorrow to buy a box of dye in my natural color so I can just forget I ever committed this monstrosity to my hair.  My poor hair, first I chop off 10 inches, and then I go dye it a horrible color.....Bleh, sorry, ranting again.

I miss you all dearly, and I am going to try to post on a more regular basis now.  I have other things to tell you guys, but I think I'll save some of it for my next post so I don't bombard you all with my craziness.

Stay strong, darlings <3

Constantly Nauseous

My friends don't know what it feels like to be so sad that you want to die. That the thought of your continued existence makes you constantly sick to your stomach. I miss you, loves. I'll update when I have the chance.

Shock

I came back to check up on you guys, because I hadn't in a few days, and I came back to a horrible shock.  It's not my place to talk about it, but if you all could send little Rose as much love and support as you can, I have a feeling that it would help.  Honey, if you're reading this, just know that you're in my thoughts.

New York as been pretty good. Not fasting, but I have been restricting, splitting a non-fat muffin with my sister for breakfast every morning, and then not eating until dinner when all I eat is some lettuce and cucumbers.  And I'm walking everywhere, which has actually meant walking all day, so that's good :) Burning lots of calories.  I'll fast tomorrow because I hate eating at the airport/when I'm traveling, so when I weigh myself at home, it should be a fairly accurate number!

My friend is trying so hard to heal everything that is wrong with me.  I haven't really talked much about him, I just call him "my friend', but really he is like my brother.  I swear, if he could, I bet he would do anything it took so that I could be happy with myself.  The thing is, I don't even know what that is anymore.  What is life without that bitch hissing in your ear that you're stupid/ugly/fat/disgusting/horrible? I don't know.

I like where I'm at.  Correction: I like how where I'm at is going to get me to where I want to be.  Skinny. Beautiful.  Untouchable.  Fearless.

I'll be able to fly.

Updateeee

Hello lovelies <3

So I have finally reached 50 followers.  I know that some of you have a LOT more than that, which is wonderful, but it means so much to me that all of you guys read what I have to say.  You are all so lovely and wonderful and thank you so so so so much for putting up with my crazy.

I have some news from this weekend.  Long story short, I shouldn't drink when I am an emotional wreck. Which is all the time.  So on Friday night, I got very drunk on a bottle of wine that my friend got for me and him to split, which I ended up drinking by myself.  I was a very large bottle, bigger than your average 5 glasses....Anyways, I ended the night crying, scratching at the scabs on my arms, and trying to go to the bathroom to purge all of the wine I drank.  I was out of control, and my friend had to basically hold my hands behind my back to keep me from doing anything.  He tried to stay with me all night, but he had to go to the bathroom for a moment, and while he was gone I purged into my garbage can.

I went to the councillor thing on Wednesday.  Turns out that my psych evaluation isn't for another two weeks.  This evaluation was just to make sure I needed one.  Conclusion? Yes, yes I do.  Crap.

I'm staying at a friend's house for the night, but then tomorrow morning I'm getting on a train to the Big Apple to spend a few days with my sister :) I'm so excited, I've never been there! And with her on her crazy audition/ballet diet, I can surely get away with eating quite minimally.  Maybe even fast for the weekend!

It's been a dreary past few weeks, so I'm glad that I finally have a chance to get off campus and do something fun.  I'll try to post a little more often, I miss you guys when I don't!

<3

Decision

Thank you Astra, for your advice.  I think I am going to go to the appointment tomorrow.  I think it will be best for everyone...if I stay on my friends' good side, and they think I'm going to see someone about this....stuff, then I think I am going to have a little bit more freedom.

I don't even want to talk about my intake today.  It was horrible.  And I'm so sick so I haven't been able to do anything except lay in bed.  My nightstand has three empty boxes of tissues, and almost two empty bottles of NyQuil.  Although the part of my illness where I have no appetite hit me this evening, so all I had for dinner was some water.  What a relief, after the crap I've been eating these past couple of days....I've been trying to talk to my friend about it, because I have been going absolutely crazy with no outlet (because they took my razor blades), so I just needed to VENT to someone, but I'm horrible at bringing this stuff up and so I've just been stuffing it and I haven't been posting here as much as I should and I feel like I'm about to explode!!!!

I'm depressed and angry and scared and anxious and I just want it to stop.  Just STOP.

But what would I do without the madness?


Just something to think about.... Stay strong loves.

Fluxuations

I hate when my weight goes all crazy.  So what happened after my last post was that I gained back three pounds, although I'm pretty sure it was all muscle weight, because then I proceeded to lose 5 pounds. That was just in one week!  So it was a net loss of 2 pounds, which is good because as soon as I discovered I had gained back 3 pounds, I freaked.

I'm getting leaner again, from working out.  My roommate and I do this workout thing every day now, and it absolutely kills. It's kind of a combination of ballet, yoga, and orthopedic exercises.  I love it! So I do that every day and then I do cardio on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  I don't remember if I've told you guys this already, so bear with me if I have.  I've been a little scatterbrained as of late.

So my friends have said that they want me to start seeing someone, for treatment and stuff.  I don't know why they are doing this, I have made it pretty clear (or as clear as I could without being a bitch to them), that I do not want treatment, that I am just fine with how things are right now, thank you very much.  But they have somehow got me an appointment for an evaluation on Friday... I don't know how I'm going to get out of it.  I guess I could just disappear after my classes on Friday... that's what I did the morning after my incident a couple of weeks ago.  I have a bad habit of running away from problems rather than confronting them, but in this situation I don't know what else to do... I have already seen people for my eating disorder and depression (not helpful at all), and while I haven't officially been diagnosed for some of my other neuroses, I'm pretty sure that I have symptoms of a manic depressive with some OCD tossed in there.  Yippie.  I don't need some evaluation to tell me that I am indeed quite fucked up.

Any ideas on what I should do?  If I don't go, I'm pretty sure my friends will feel a bit betrayed, but I'm sure they'll understand, even if I did want treatment I wouldn't rush into things like that.

Having lunch with my bestie in about an hour.  Probably just going to drink some water. I've been pretty sick, so I'll just use that as an excuse for not eating.

Stay strong, lovelies <3