My food today started off horrible, but I got everything under control by the end of the day.....

Intake:
Bagel (340 cals)
Lentil soup (100)
Apple (80)


I skipped dinner, and W noticed, but I honestly to not give a fuck right now.  I don't want to talk to anyone, I'm in such a bad mood and all I want to do is sleep for days and days and days and maybe when I wake up again I'll be skinny and in a better mood and all of the work that is piling up will have done itself.

Good News and Bad News

Hello loves.

So, the good news is that I have managed to hydrate enough and rest enough that the effects of overdosing on those pills seems to be wearing off.  I have a bit of a headache and a fever, but my heart has settled down and I've stopped shaking.

Tonight I threw a party in my dorm room in the spirit of halloween, and Almond Boy finally came to my party.  He was putting his arm around me and definitely seemed interested, but since I was freaking out about the whole pills thing, and I wasn't drinking so I was generally a little bit subdued, I think I screwed things up.  I couldn't make conversation to save my life, and he left with his friend after about half an hour. I think he thought that I wasn't interested, and so he just gave up.  So that's the bad news.  I wish he had come on a night when I wasn't feeling quite so crappy and confused about life.  I don't think I'll get another chance, and I'm really upset.

Tonight did not turn out the way that it was supposed to.  This sucks.

I didn't mean to, it just happened....

I took too many diet pills again.  Was supposed to take only two today, but I took 10.  My heart's feeling a bit funny..... I hope it'll pass soon.  This is scary.

Not doing that again....

Ouch.

My throat hurts.  Like, my muscles on the inside of my throat hurt.  I've never felt that before...I think that I'm going to stick to what I'm good at, which is restricting.  My little run in with purging was not very good for me.

I talked to W last night.  I told him everything.  I just broke down and told him.  Well, I didn't cry, but my resolve broke.  He was telling me that he had never known anyone with problems like me.  He never had a friend with depression, or who cut, or who had a raging eating disorder.  He told me that he had been doing research to see what he could do to help me.  What a sweetheart.  Too bad I'm probably going to try to avoid that help.....that's how fucked up I am.  When the guy that I sort of like decides that he's going to take it upon himself to make me better, I'm just going to throw it back in his face.

I'm going to feel horrible about it.  But that doesn't make it okay.

I told him that I would start blogging only every other day instead of every day, but we see how well that turned out....

<3

I did it.

I have a confession to make.....

I purged for the first time.  Ever.  I was having such a good day, just an apple for breakfast and no lunch (I even hung out with Almond Boy today!), but then dinner came around....and I wouldn't say I binged, because that scares me so fucking badly, but I ate more than I was intending to.  And so I came back to my dorm and I forced myself to throw it up.  I've never done that before.  I've always been so good at the restricting, I never felt like I needed to purge, and when I did, I could never actually get myself to throw up.  But I did tonight and...well, it felt shitty, but it also felt good.  I'm all empty now, and I think I did it soon enough that I didn't absorb too many calories from dinner.

I want to talk to W.  But I shouldn't.  I can't.  But I need to talk to someone, not so they can convince me to stop, but so that I can....talk! I just need to vocalize what's going on right now, and maybe that will make me feel less out of control.  I don't know.

That reminded me....

Skinny, Late' s post today reminded me of one of the toughest things about being depressed and having an eating disorder.  I was just thinking about this earlier, when I was sitting in my dorm. When I have a tough time, all of the people that know about my "situation" say that I should come talk to them, but how do I do that? How can I say, "Hey, can I talk to you about the fact that when I walk, the rubbing of my thighs against each other drives me to want to sprint back to my dorm room and cut my arm into ribbons? Or about the fact that sometimes I fantasize about just slipping off of the roof of my science building, by "accident" just so that I don't have to deal with this fucked up world anymore?  Can I just sit and tell you about how high I feel when all I have consumed in 3 days is black coffee?"  You can't do that.  Those conversations just don't happen.  People just say "I think you need to talk to someone about this..." (idiot, what do you think I was doing talking to you?), or they just don't even know what to say.  They pat you on the arm (not the one covered in scars and cuts) and lie, saying that you're beautiful and everything is going to be alright.  I have been having people tell me that everything was going to be alright for seven straight years now, and I don't see that panning out.

I can talk to my sister about everything, but I can't call her and tell her "Sometimes when I'm alone in my room, I just cry because I'm so sad all the time and I can't control it." She would freak out.

I can't tell J that when I got over one hundred percent on my midterm, I was more proud of the fact that my intake for that day had been under 500 calories.

I can't just waltz down the hallway to W's room and ask for a much needed hug, because that always leads to the questions of "why" that I can't handle.

Sometimes I just feel so fucking lonely.  Hell, not sometimes.  Almost all the time.  I've been getting reminded so often recently of how much you little loves mean to me, in this little network of blogs.  It is the one place where I can express how hopeless I feel and all I get is support, no judgement.

I sometimes don't know how much longer I'll last, I'm slowly driving myself insane.

Love you all <3