Just Kidding, It Works

Hello lovelies.

I’m sorry that I haven’t been commenting on your posts.  I tried to several times, but either blogger or my internet wont let me for the time being.

First, I want to let you guys know that I started watching the TV show Skins yesterday, and by the second episode, I was absolutely in love with the character of Cassie.  For those of you who haven’t seen the show, Cassie is a girl of about 16 or 17 who struggles with anorexia.  She is one of the first accurate portrayals of someone with ED and other disorders that I have seen on television or in movies.  The steel determination behind the whimsical and happy facade, the little bit of crazy coming to the surface....She's a character I can relate to.


So if you follow my tumblr, that's why there have been many GIFs and pictures of her showing up on my page.


Today's damage....
Breakfast: Banana (105), Tea (0)
Lunch: Salad with spinach, kidney beans, and fat free cottage cheese (253)
Dinner: Lean Turkey Patty (100)
Snack: Seaweed Snacks (60)
Supplements: Cod Liver Oil and Vitamin C (52)
Total for the Day: 570 calories


All in all a pretty good day.  I'm going to try to do something similar tomorrow, but without the cottage cheese on the salad and green tea instead of the turkey patty.  That will bring my total around 400 calories (acceptable).  It kills me that my supplements have calories in them.  Maybe I'll avoid the seaweed snacks as well tomorrow and the calories from my supplements can count as the "snack".  I'm getting good at redistributing my calories again.  Ah, it feels good.


Part of me wants to get rid of those seemingly unnecessary calories in the supplements for good, but I know that they are helping me right now so they'll stay.


I love you all dearly.  As soon as I can comment again, you'll here from me <3

I'm sorry I can't comment or post anything right now, my internet is being stupid :(

Don't Do It.......too late.

Didn't binge, but I ate a normal amount at dinner tonight.  Even got dessert.  I don't know what I was thinking, it was more than I've eaten in over a week.

So when I got back to my dorm I went to the bathroom and purged.  Oops.

Going to the drugstore to buy razor blades tomorrow.

I gave my friend Wintergirls to read, and I just realized that I have highlighted that book and written comments in the margin, things like "I know exactly how this is," and "Lia is my thinspiration."  I hope she doesn't read the comments, I didn't remember them until after I gave them to her.

I hope you all are doing well.  I love you dearly.

I have become comfortably numb

Down. Down. Down.....

Was doing so well today.

Breakfast: Egg white (17), Tea (0)
Lunch: Steamed broccoli (30), water

Then came dinner.  I had chicken, even though I've been trying to go vegetarian.  Meat just has so many calories.  But it wasn't even just that I ate chicken, because if it had just been chicken I would have still come in way under 500 for the day.  No, it was chicken with a fattening sauce and mac'n'cheese.  Why.

It's not the end of the world, I know.  I have had way worse days, but that food is just sitting in my stomach like a lead weight.  I have been doing so well with the restriction and the liquid fast yesterday, I was feeling so light!!! And now I feel like I have just been pulled back to the ground.  With a great thud. I just feel like I haven't been able to catch a break these past few days, in general, and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

That's the other thing.  I have been having crazy mood swings.  One moment I feel as high as a kite, lighter than air, giggling and joyous.  And then the next I am silent, despondent, depressed, despairing.  I'm out of control.  My mom says that I should see someone, that I should get medication.  That's why I was so glad to go to college though, to get away from that.  I don't want to take pills.  I don't know what they'll do to me.  I'm scared.  My world is going topsy turvey and I don't know which way is the right way anymore.

My usual knife is dull, no matter how much I press I can't cut.  No relief.  No relief.  I'm hugging my knees, rocking back and forth.  Maybe I'll go by razors.  I promised W I wouldn't, but..............

I feel myself spiraling down again.

Thank you

I can always count on you guys to leave the sweetest comments.  I was really in bad shape last night, in general, and then getting stranded pushed me over the edge and I had a bit of a meltdown.

But not to worry, my parents wired me some money and I got to stay at a nice hotel last night, read my book, take a long shower, and then sleep somewhere other than the airport terminal.  I'm back here this morning, and getting on a flight in about half an hour.

I have so much to do when I get back to school.  I start classes right away on Monday, and I'm feeling a little crazed and unprepared.  I have so much reading I feel like I should have done, so much organizing in my room to do....I have to go shopping because I am completely out of everything.  I'm not even going to be able to take a shower until I get the shopping done because I need to buy shampoo and conditioner.

These are all household-y things though, which I enjoy doing.  They distract me from other things (like eating).

On a different note....I hope my bags are still at my final destination.  They had almost all of my worldly possessions in them.  I guess we'll see.

Had a bottle of water and some aloe juice (60 calories) for breakfast.  I figure a liquid fast is just what I need to get my semester kicked off.

I hope you all are doing well.  I meant to leave comments yesterday while I was stuck in the terminal, but the internet wasn't working.  I'm going back and leaving them today.  Love you all! Thanks again for the words of comfort.  Oh! And since I don't ever receive an insane amount of comments, I think I'm going to start having a comments response section of my posts occasionally, at the end.  So here goes:

Responses:
Depressed Skinny Mess- You're wonderful, dear, when I read that I just took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and began to calm down xoxo
stillimagining- Thank you, after an evening of having airport officials tell me it was my fault that me and 15 other passengers had missed our flight, I needed to hear that <3
Just Me- What happened was the gate agent didn't call boarding, so the only people who made it on the plane were pre-boarders.  There were about 15 of us just waiting at the gate, and the plane left without us.  So I was going to have to sleep at the airport.  But I got booked on another flight this morning, so hopefully the rest of my trip runs smoothly.  I'm tired, but feeling better this morning than I did in the sheer panicked state I was in last night <3

Stranded

I'm stranded at an airport.  I don't know how I'm going to get to school by Monday, I'm freaking out.  I have tears streaming down my face, I just want to be home in my dorm room.  I hate flying, I hate airports. This is just a horrible day.

By the way, I made a twitter account, it's listed on the side over there -->
Follow if you want.

I feel so defeated right now, I just have had such a bad day.