I. WANT. NOW.

I need to be skinny. Right now. I hate myself for being so fatfatfat, MAKE IT STOP. I'm constantly rubbing the scars on my arms as if somehow I could just rub away the fat and muscle and finally see the bones.  I need that.

Pulling out my hair.  Trying not to cry. No one here knows, I'm a master of deceit and putting on a happy facade.  But I'm exhausted, cracking slowly....

Well....hmm.

I broke up with E.

It was just getting to hard to make time for him given that we're both at different schools and trying to find our own new lives. I still care for him immensely, but we agreed that it'd be better if we just try to stay friends for now. He is too much of a reminder of what I moved to the other side of the country to get away from.  I just want a fresh palette.  I hope he understands that. He was upset (hell, so was I), but it was a very necessary thing to do. I think we both knew it was coming, given we didn't have the same history as some of our friends who are trying to stay together in college.

I'm finally making friends here, and it's starting to feel like home.  I've lost weight.  Not like 10 pounds or anything, but I'm getting there. I go to the gym every day, and on Mondays and Wednesdays I have my ballet class.  It's wonderful to be dancing again, I can't even begin to describe it.

I hope you are all doing well....there is some other stuff going on here that I'll fill you guys in on once I'm less confused about it in congruence with breaking up with E.  It pretty much has me in a complete emotional roller-coaster, so brace yourselves for my next post.

I love you all with my whole heart.  You little angels are my anchors.

Hello lovlies.

As you know, I am now at University, and it's....not what I expected. I'm thousands of miles from home and the culture shock is almost unbearable. I am slowly making friends, but I'm not a naturally outgoing person so it's tough. I miss E. I miss my sister.

But it is so easy to not eat here. No one knows about my problems here, so on that front it's a fresh start.

Love you guys <3

Goal

You know the Freshman 15 that girls supposedly gain in college? I'm going to lose it. Maybe I'll make it the Freshman 20 or 30.

That's all.

Freedom

I'm moving in to my dorm tomorrow. I can almost taste freedom. It tastes like... Rice cakes and chai lattes. I'm so ready for this.

E and I have decided to try to stay together, even though we're at different universities. The thought fucking terrifies me, but we'll see how it goes...

Love you all. I'll post more, I promise.

List of Reasons Why This Has Been The Worst Summer Ever

1. I walked in on my mom kissing a guy that wasn't my father. My parents are not divorced.
2. I have been away from E all summer because of this stupid job that I hate.
3. I'm living in the middle of nowhere at a shit-hole of a research station, studying beetles that I care absolutely nothing about.
4. I don't have my computer, which isn't a big deal, but it means that I can't blog. Or write my stories. Both of which are the only things keeping me sane.
5. I have been away from my twin sister all summer, and she is going through a really tough time. And this is only the beginning; I'm abandoning her to go to college in a few weeks too.
6. I can't fucking drop my current weight.
7. I cut my thumb open and got 6 stitches, because I'm a klutz.
8. I have been very, very ill multiple times this summer. Like vomiting and blacking out and fevers and shit.  MORE THAN ONCE.
9. I'm having a complete identity crisis because I don't like science anymore (see #3), but my mom won't let me study english or viniculture like I want to.  My dream is to be a world-renowned author who owns a vineyard on the side; my mom's dream is for me to be a replica of her. Therefore, a biology major I shall be.
10. I CAN'T DROP MY CURRENT WEIGHT. I hate plateaus.  It's adding to my current insanity. I've been hiking and restricting and hiking and not eating. Nothing.

So, this list is very random and rather incoherent, but basically I have had a really crappy summer.

Story of my life.